Thursday, January 26, 2006

The Driving Follies

So, I've been taking driving lessons in an attempt to get my license. I am aware that I am 23. I am aware that this is sad. Shut up.

Unlike most normal people, I never got my license when I was 16. This might seem bizarre to you until you remember that it is me. Nothing in my life even closely resembles normal. Do you have an ex-step father who got secretly remarried to his drunken girlfriend in Cuba and you only found out when he sent you pictures of his honeymoon over msn but still didn't tell you and you only realized it because they had on wedding rings and before you could confront him he went offline and you haven't heard from him in 10 months? No? Then you can't judge me, bitches!!

Angst issues aside, I am now attempting to get my license, mainly under the pressure of FauxHawk's constant scorn of my lack of license. I managed to get my G1, and am now taking driving lessons with an old man named Frank. I would give him a funny fake name, but really, what name is funnier than Frank?

So, we learned emergency highway maneuvers today. This involved me driving faster than I'm comfortable with (I'm comfortable with 30km/hr. When there's no traffic) and practicing pulling onto the shoulder. Also, how to react when I get distracted and veer into another lane. Here is the scenario Frank gave me to help me visualize this:

Frank: Ok, Peach. Imagine you're driving along and up ahead there's a big billboard with an attractive young fellow on it. That fellow is advertising Jockeys.
Peach: Right.
Frank: So, you stare at the attractive fellow in his jockeys and you veer towards the right.
Peach: Right.
Frank: To simulate this, I will grab the wheel and pull you towards the right when you hit 80km/hr.
Peach: *getting nervous* Right.
Frank: But don't worry, I'll keep my pants on.
Peach: Ri-what??
Frank: I won't strip down to my jockeys to distract you. Maybe if it was 30 years ago and I weren't married, but not now. I used to play sports. I also used to wear speedos, but now that I'm an old man I had to switch to those boxer-type bathing suits with the extra space for the paunch. Yep, I used to play sports. Ok, let's go! Hit the gas! And stay focused!
Peach: Oh sweet mother of all that is holy and good.
Frank: *cranes head* what's that you said?
Peach: I said buckle up.

Why can't anything in my life be non-hilarious? I just want to learn to drive, damnit!

The Peach

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

You just made me laugh out loud when someone's running participants in the next room... damn you and your hilarity!

shavaun said...

oh dear god. frank was my instructor too, if it's the elderly crazy frank from young drivers. he said the same thing to me during my lesson, and when i told him i wouldn't be distracted by a young man advertising "jockeys" (just for argument's sake), he told me to pretend it was a beautiful "babe" in a bikini. i am a heterosexual female...needless to say, frank was disappointed.