Monday, January 23, 2006

The Peach has a Polygamous Platonic Marriage

Shit, I forgot my second husband. I AM my mother (zing!)!

I received this email today, from my other platonic husband:

"I love your blog...I want to marry it. I was ... up at 130 in the morning, and spent the next hour reading it and laughing. I think the lady that lives upstairs thought she was being robbed by a manic depressive burglar who'd skipped his ritalin. One question tho...who the hell is your other platonic husband?! Because I sure as hell don't remember a platonic divorce...and I'm sure as hell not paying platonic alimony!"

Some background:

This email is from my good friend, ThePilot, who I married platonically in high school when we realized our shared love of TNG (geeks unite!) and making fun of everything that breathed. We decided that we were far too bitter and cynical to ever procreate with one another, for fear of creating demon-children who could kill you with sarcasm, yet we also realized that there was a good chance that no one else would ever put up with our shit, and thus decided on a platonic marriage. After high school, we each moved to our respective university-towns but maintained a long-distance platonic marriage that consisted mainly of bitter emails and msn conversations about people we hated. This would continue for years.

And then, in my 3rd year of University, another bitter, sarcastic soul found me. You may remember me mentioning TheHubby. We also married platonically and bonded over our plot to steal babies and sell them for blow in Mexico.

I love both my husbands - platonically, of course.

But I have to apologize to ThePilot. You are my first and oldest marriage, and no other platonic husband can replace you. Ever! How can I make it up to you?

I know. Tonight on msn I'll show you my rack. Platonically, of course.

The Peach


Peaches' fuzz licker said...

My dearest and most enlightened little flower, how quickly you forget the union of our sets of petals. Our platonic lesbian love affair...I am crushed that you do not recognize me as your platonic lesbian husband...after all the nights of staring at you while you sleep through your prison barred windows...rubbing your soiled washcloths against my skin...I just want to play a game called just the plastic tip...just for a second.

theHubby said...

Is it wrong that somehow I like you more now that I know you're cheating on me?!?!

The Peach said...

It's not wrong. What we love about each other is that we're bad people. You love my bad-ass.

Now, let's go laugh at old people.

thehippie said...

youre a busy lady when you tack on me, your same-sex hetero-life partner. i once tried to for-real marry my fake-husband at a drive-by wedding chapel, but my mom said she would only ever let me marry for love. who is she kidding? she's dying to get me married off so i can start popping out babies. i think she was just worried about the size of the litter (or lack thereof) if i married a gay guy. she may have a valid point there. hurrah for polygamy!

thehippie said...

on a side note, a guy i used to make out with is now in a band thats opening for hilary duff. thats pretty cool. i hope he doesnt make out with that skinny bitch, i'll go all lindsay lohan on her.

The Peach said...

Be careful, she could bite your face off with those horse teeth of hers.