Tuesday, January 17, 2006

The Pros and Cons of Living Alone

This past May, I moved into my own apartment and am now living on my own for the first time. I spent the last 3 years living in a shanty at the ground-zero of the party zone of the "student ghetto" in Universitytown with 3 of the most heinous wenches you've ever met, plus my one awesome friend, TheNurse. I love TheNurse, but living with the other crazy ho's (let's call them TheBitches, for simplicity's sake) put me off living with other people - possibly forever. This might sound extreme to you, but you probably haven't lived in a war-like environment (unless you are reading this in Iraq, in which case I apologize) where 1 dirty dish left on the counter is enough to make TheBitches cry, scream, leave you passive-aggressive notes, put said dish on your bed, break your mirror, write you more notes, turn the heat off in your room, insult your boyfriend, and then go knit away their frustrations on a Friday night. And that's just one example.

Anyway, here are some pros of living alone:

As soon as I get in my door the pants come off.
Naps any time of the day.
Sex any time of the day.
Dishes left everywhere!!
Naked Yoga.
Talking on the phone without one of TheBitches Mom's calling every 30 seconds.
Getting out of bed without putting clothes on.
Basically anything involving nudity, really.

And now, the cons:

Tv has become my friend, mother, secret lover...
Dishes everywhere = mouse infestation, and no tricking TheBitches into emptying the traps.
A floorboard creaks and I'm up all night looking for ghosts.
When I run out of food, I have to go buy more instead of stealing from (rich and wasteful) TheBitches.
A fork falls over and I'm up all night with 9-1-1 on speed dial.
AND FINALLY...
Last night I heard banging sounds outside my window and was up all night, lights on, 9-1-1 on speed dial, waiting for one of the crazies (there's a mental health outpatient clinic on my street) to break in and stab me because he thinks I'm trying to kill him with my mind.

It's worth it for the dishes, though.

The Peach

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