Monday, January 30, 2006

A Typical Peachy Weekend

Well, here I am, back at work bright and early on Monday morning (really, I snuck into the office at 11am because I hit snooze for an extra hour and a half), and ready to share my typical weekend’s happenings with you. Here are the most interesting things that happened to me this weekend, in order of occurrence – not preference:

1. On my way to the gym on Saturday morning (re: 2pm, but to me that is morning), I noticed a man sitting in his car, right outside my house, reading a paper. I didn’t think much of it. There are all kinds of crazies on my street. 2 hours later (I’m going on vacation in a week and need to work off the can of icing) on my way back, I noticed that the man was still in his car and still reading the paper. Please remember this in case I ever go missing or am found dead and one of you needs to generate a list of suspects.

2. On Saturday night I went to see Brokeback Mountain with TheHippie. I know that it is a deep and meaningful movie and all, but all I could think the entire time was: “Jake Gyllenhall, you’re so hot that I want to bite your face have your babies” and “is Heath Ledger playing a character named Anus?” (note: I later discovered that his name was Ennis). I was never really turned-on at the thought of guy-on-guy in the same way that guys will shit their pants over watching 2 chicks make out…until this movie. What can I say? For the better part of the movie they’re either topless or riding horses…or each other. Yeehaw!

3. On Sunday TheHippie and I went bikini shopping at old navy. As if this isn’t disturbing enough, I needed a second opinion on one of them and roped poor TheHippie into coming into the change-room to decide whether or not the suit accentuated my ass and tits in a good way. TheHippie and I may be hetero same-sex life partners, but I think that made us both a little uncomfortable. After that, I stuck to asking her opinion on sunglasses only. If we were to ever become a lesbian couple, we’d be one of those who respect each other too much to have chick sex. And we'd probably wear matching sailor suits. For the hell of it.

4. On Sunday night my mother came to Universitytown to take me out for dinner. When she got to my house I made a terrifying, soul-shaking, throw-up in your mouth a little discovery: we were wearing the exact same outfit. The exact same printed sweater from Mexx and dark jeans. I don’t know if my mom is getting cooler or I am getting lamer, but I don’t fucking care. I need to go shopping. Now!

5. My mom and I went out to a sushi restaurant for dinner. Thanks to FauxHawk, who is not Japanese but is very cool (and possibly a little metro), I have good sushi etiquette. I know how to use chopsticks without taking out someone’s eye, I know cool stuff to order, and I know how to fold my chopstick cover into a clever little boat to hold said chopsticks. My mother…is not cool. First, she talked to the waiters as if today was their first day in Canada: loudly, slowly, and possibly with the hint of some sort of asian accent. I tried to explain to her that the waiters were probably from Toronto and not some fishing village in the orient, but she just doesn’t get it. Also, she tried to order a knife to “cut the sushi”. No, mom. No.

6. After my mother left, I went over to TheNurse’s apartment to watch some Sunday night tv and drink wine. Because I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t fall asleep at least a little drunk each night. We watched Grey’s Anatomy, which stars my tv-boyfriend George, whose face I would also like to bite. We also discussed how drunken FauxHawk and I plan to be while on vacation, and how I’m a little concerned that I’m going to black-out and wake up in the morning with a sore anus…and questions (just kidding. FauxHawk is a gentleman. He knows he can shake me awake and do whatever he wants).


And that was my weekend. It was pretty standard.

The Peach

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