Friday, February 17, 2006

The Driving Follies, continued

I had another driving lesson with Frank, my strange old-man instructor, yesterday afternoon. I was doing pretty well. I drove downtown without causing any pile-ups, and I drove on a highway! I'm almost at a 16 year-old's level of skill! Those skinny bizatches have nothing on me. With Frank, I can conquer the world.

So, Frank made me drive to a remote parking lot in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere to set up a pilon course so that I could practice swerving out of the line of danger. Like if a car is about to rear-end me, or some child is lying dead in the middle of the road (yes, he actually made me visualize this). Everything was going normally, and I feared that I would have nothing bizarre to write about in my blog. Was my life no longer hilarious? Was I living a giant lie??

That is, until he asked me to drive him over to a shack on the edge of the woods so that he could take a leak behind it. That's right. I'm not gonna lie, there was a minute there where I was afraid that gentle Frank was taking me to that shack to molest and kill me. Or show me his speedo (see the last 'driving follies' if you're lost). But then he told me to put on the parking brake, he got out, and disappeared behind the shack for about 2 minutes. I was perplexed. I figured he was either smoking or voiding his bladder of urine. I prayed for the former.

When he got back in the car and smelled nothing like smoke, I knew that he had taken a leak. I made a mental note to disenfect my hands after the lesson, seeing as how regularly took a hold of the wheel to show me how to steer in some of the scenarios. Hot.

About 30 seconds later, he pointed out a black stain on the road. He told me that a car had burnt down in that very spot:

Frank: You see that black spot? A car burned down there.
ThePeach: *eyeing the pee hands warily* Is that so.
Frank: *grabs wheel to steer around it* Yep.
ThePeach: *mental note: cut off hands* interesting.
Frank: They say it was an accident, but I bet it was Jewish lightening.
ThePeach: Jew-WHAT?
Frank: *giggle* Haven't you ever heard the expression? Teehee! Jewish Lightening means arson!

I don't even know how that makes sense, but I know that it crossed some sort of moral boundary. Not mine, mind you. I have no boundaries - or morals! And I regularly make fun of Jews, but that's only because FauxHawk is one of the chosen few and he understands that I'm just making fun of him, not the entire religion. I'm sweet that way. But how did Frank know that I wasn't jewish? My last name is Polish, I have dark hair, a stately nose, and I haven't paid him yet for my extra lessons (heh, sorry FauxHawk). I regularly get mistaken for Jewish.

So, in the matter of 2 minutes, Frank took a leak behind a shack and insulted jews. My life was back to normal.


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