Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Sunned and Cirrhotic: Part 2

Day 2: ThePeach is Graceful

We woke up on day 2 to find the sun shining, the birds chirping, and our hangovers raging. Getting drunk after 2 days without sleep may not have been the best idea, but since when have I ever done anything good for my body?

FauxHawk and I slept through breakfast, which would become a recurring theme. We headed for the beach in search of the rest of his med-friends. We found them in lounge chairs placed conveniently in front of the beach bar. God bless all inclusive resorts. I wish my life were all inclusive. I think life would be much simpler if I could just flash a bracelet and then walk out of a restaurant without paying, or flash a bracelet at the grocery store the next time I run out of peanut butter. We have much to learn from the Dominican Republic. Much to learn.

Anyway, FauxHawk and I immediately chased our hangovers with some drinky drinky. ThePeach was back on the sauce.

I then decided that it would be a good idea to try boogie boarding. For those who aren’t familiar with this, boogie boarding is kind of like surfing but on your stomach on a small board. The idea is to catch a wave and ride it to shore. I don’t recommend wearing a bikini when you attempt this unless you like the feeling of exfoliating your nipples with sand and permanent plumber-crack.

So, TheCrazy and I went boogie boarding. The waves were huge that day and the undertow was strong. You could get knocked off your feet in ankle-deep water. We were both wearing string bikinis and buzzed from the “Banana Mama’s” we’d been drinking. Yep, this was a good idea.

We paddled out into waist-deep water and waited for the waves. TheCrazy caught one and flew towards shore, ass-crack smiling, and her man-screams piercing the ears of all in the vicinity. She washed up on shore moments later, boogie board nowhere in sight, salt water gushing out of her nose, and claiming that thanks to all the sand in her ass that she now had the smoothest anus of all man-kind. Bring on the anal! Awesome. My turn!

I looked behind me and noticed that the mother of all waves was heading my way. Perfect. Time to be awesome. I caught that wave like a pro and rode the motherfucker all the way to shore, where the med friends all congratulated me on my skill and grace.

No wait, that’s what I pictured happening.

In reality, the wave crashed down on me, threw me towards shore at terrifying speed, I screamed like a gay man at a shoe sale (to hell I go!), the water pushed the boogie board straight down into the sand, I rammed into it and then flipped over it head over feet, was thrown around in the wave like a sock in a washing machine, and finally washed up on shore with my bathing suit bottoms around my ankles and sand in every orifice of my body.

FauxHawk killed himself laughing as he described to me that all he saw was my feet flying through the air. I coughed up salt water and whimpered. Then one of the med friends grabbed my boogie board and took off with it. I scraped the sand out of corneas and hiked up my bottoms. FauxHawk continued to laugh - the fucktard.

For the rest of the week I sported a sexy swollen, purple bruise the size of a dinner plate on my thigh. I’m sure everyone thought FauxHawk had beaten the shit out of me, but that’s smiled upon in that country. I also sported a lovely sunburn on the right side of my body as a result of laying by the pool for the rest of the day in the recovery position.

That night, I got so drunk that I danced with a midget.

I am so fucking fantastic,



TheNurse said...

midgets scare the shit out of me.

Anonymous said...

I am very sorry to burst your obviously less than politically correct bubble, but we would rather not be referred to as "midgets". We are "people" with "feelings".

But seriously, at a colossal 3' 10" sometimes I even scare the shit outta' myself! ;P


ThePeach said...

I think I've made it pretty clear that I've never been politically correct a day in my life, nor do I attempt to be. In fact, I make a conscious effort to be as insulting as possible to all populations. Regardless, sorry to insult you. I know that you have feelings. When I danced with that 'person', I could feel his 'feeling' jabbing my shin.

Seriously though, I'm sure you're a lovely person. I am not.


thehippie said...

i once got sent some porn involving short people women, and big men with abnormally large dicks. i dont care who you are, no one wants their fucking vagina torn in half. i saw this 3 yrs ago and its still a very scaring mental image.

on a completely different note, more anonymous people should leave comments, it gives me something more to read while i procrastinate

Anonymous said...

midgets are funny beyond words...that is a fact.

And yes, I'm going directly to hell, without passing GO, but I'll be laughing at midgets the whole way.....

Anonymous said...

In the words of Ali G.

"Look...there's a midget eating that girl's muff!"