Thursday, February 16, 2006

Sunned and Cirrhotic: Part 4

Days 4-7: Drunk

I’ve decided to clump the latter half of my vacation into one entry because a) there was a lot of drinking, and I can’t really differentiate between the days anymore, b) I’m tired of writing about my vacation and don’t want to do it for 4 more days, c) It’s my frigging blog and I can do whatever the shit I want.

So, let’s see…

MedFriends and I did a city tour of Puerto Plata. We went to a cigar factory, where I learned to roll a cigar. I’m sure this skill will come in handy when I’m sold to slavery. We also went to a rum factory, which may be better known as TheNurse’s mother ship. I was given strict instructions to buy her some sauce while I was in the DR, and I did. For 7 bucks. God bless slave labour! When I handed over the bottle a few days after I got back, I swear I have never seen her so happy. For a fleeting moment, I thought that I had finally been promoted to having a bitch instead of being a bitch. A bitch can dream.

It rained for 2 days while we were there. I spent the first day playing connect 4 with FauxHawk under an umbrella. Yes, the game for children aged 6-10. Shut up. He beat me every time, I yelled at him for being so ‘fucking smug and jewish!’, and we are now never allowed to play any competitive game with each other again for fear of breaking up. I don’t like to lose. Especially at connect 4. Mofo’ing lines of 4!!

FauxHawk and I went for a long walk down the beach on the 2nd rainy day to take in the scenery. We saw 2 wild dogs, a shanty-town of souvenir shops, and a man surrounded by stuffed parrots with a sign (ie. piece of drift wood) propped up on a palm that stated ‘information centre’. When he saw me taking a picture of him, he started flailing his arms and grinding his pelvis in a dance that can only be described as poetic. The scenery sure is exotic in the DR.

FauxHawk went to bed early that night because I beat him at Poker and he ‘didn’t feel like playing anymore’. Looks like someone else doesn’t like to lose!! I stayed at the table, got shmammered, and eventually wobbled my way back to my room to tell FauxHawk that “I shwon at ze Poker!”. I’m a sexy girlfriend.

The sun was back on our last full day. I made sure to let my skin get nice and cancerous. That night was my drunkest of all the nights. TheCrazy and I climbed down a dirty linen chute because it might make a sexy picture. Now I think I have a sexy case of scabies and, possibly, the herps.

The midget (that’s right, I said midget. What are you going to do – bite my knees?) was back at the dance club – this time, in drag. FauxHawk got over-excited in his dancing and started pelvic-thrusting my ass with gusto. He thrusted me face-first into someone’s jabby elbow. Fuck, I hate skinny bitches with jabby elbows!!!! The last thing I remember is hitting FauxHawk in the face and then everything was a blur until our 7:30am wakeup call. I may have blacked out, but my anus felt fine in the morning.

FauxHawk must have passed out.


Ps – I’m on my way out the door for another driving lesson with Frank. Look for another ‘driving follies’ in the near future.

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