Tuesday, February 21, 2006

ThePeach goes to a Strip Club

I’ve been told by some unhappy friends that I’ve been neglecting my blog. This is true; I have become negligent in the past few weeks. I apologize. And it’s not like I have any excuses like my job is keeping me busy (HA!), my social schedule is so packed (HA!), or I’ve been having personal issues (HA! HA!). It’s more like I’ve been sitting around, watching bad tv, napping, and eating my weight in cheese and cheese-related food products.

So, here’s a little something to make up for it. I promise you that nothing in this story is false or exaggerated.

Knowing the way that thing happen to me, I don’t know why I ever thought it would be a good idea to go to a strip club. Have I met me?? How could this end well? But alas, I was drunk as a skunk and wanted to see some titties.

Let me back up. This was last summer, a typical boring night in Universitytown, and FauxHawk decided to throw a little shindig at his apartment. About 4 of his med-friends showed (by the way, all boys), and TheNurse managed to drag out her boring now-ex-bf, TheTool. I’m pretty sure I was loaded by the time we hit the town, and I’m pretty sure of this because FauxHawk mixed my drinks and he liked to get me liquored. This was in the days before I hit my current charming phase of drunken alcoholic rage, by the way. Nowadays FauxHawk just forces me to drink water and prays that I don’t try to beat up any thugs. He’s a lover, not a fighter.

Anyway, we went to a skeezy bar and continued to drink. TheTool started whining, so TheNurse had to take him home (god, she is so much better without. But don’t get me wrong, I liked him when he treated her well…in the days before he became TheTool), and then it was just me, FauxHawk, and his 4 male med-friends. I was drunk. I was full of ideas of how to keep the night entertaining. I suggested the strip club. It was well received.

There are 2 things you need to know now.
1) I am not a lesbian. I am not bisexual. I heart boys and will never turn to the meat curtains, not that I judge those who do. But I’m not opposed to naked chicks. Let’s face it ladies, we lucked out as far as physical attractiveness of the body goes. So, I don’t mind looking. Especially when I’m drunk.
2) The strip club in Universitytown is the skankiest scrag-hole anyone has ever stepped foot in. The strippers are usually a) ugly, b) crack-whores, c) smelling like salty garbage. Yet the universitytown’ers go there, because it’s all we have.

We walked in and I got us seats in perv row (the seats closest to the stage). FauxHawk got me 2 more drinks. I cat-called and yelled dirty things to the strippers. It was well received. Then one of the medfriends said that I should go on stage to give one of the strippers a 5’er (that’s a 5 dollar bill, by the way – Not a fisting technique). I looked at the other guys who were on stage to give the strippers tips. It seemed simple – they lay on their backs with the 5 in their mouth, and then the stripper would (through the magic of cleave) lift the 5 out with her tits. Yes, it seemed simple, but even a very drunk ThePeach has her limits. I would not let myself be degraded!

The medfriend bought me a drink. 5 minutes later I was lying on my back with a 5 in my mouth, thinking it was the best idea I ever came up with. I noticed that the cat-calling in the bar got a little louder and that the other guys had gotten off the stage. It was just me and the stripper and her nicotine patch.

I closed my eyes. It seemed wise. I remember thinking “why is she putting the 5 dollar bill on my face?”.

I heard the medfriends cheering, so I opened my eyes. A poor choice.


I remember thinking 3 things: “don’t inhale. Whatever you do, don’t inhale.”, and “god, I hope her vagina doesn’t shoot any diseases at me, ninja-style” and “that’s a good wax job, I wonder where she got it done?”.

The graceful stripper then (through the magic of…labia?) lifted the 5 off of my face with her crotch and continued to dance over me. Thank you jesus, it’s over!

Not quite.

The clever stripper noticed that the crowd was getting even louder and decided to take advantage of the moment – and pull my shirt off. And bite me. It was well received.

Now I had stripper rabies. If I didn’t immediately get several needles to my stomach, I would start frothing at the mouth and spreading stripper everywhere I went. It was time to get off the fucking stage.

I jumped up, dodged a pole, and made it back to my seat. The medfriends kept telling me “holy shit, that was so awesome”, and FauxHawk couldn’t stop yelling “MY girlfriend! That was MY girlfriend!” in a mixture of awe and shock.

The MC offered me a job. It’s nice to know I have options.

I felt like I had stripper-grime all over me and needed one of those scalding hot, rocking on your heels kind of showers. So I stumbled (remember how drunk I still was) to the ladies washroom.

Oh, I’m sorry. Did I say Ladies Washroom? I meant scary naked smoking and vulvar cleaning room that terrified me to my very core. I guess not too many women go to the strip joint. Because that is exactly what was going on in the bathroom. About 5 naked strippers were lounging around, smoking, and washing themselves. I couldn’t get to a sink because one of them had a leg up. Literally.

I guess the strippers feel dirty, too.

So, I decided to enjoy the moment, got another drink, and watched a stripper covered in bruises splash around in a giant champage glass on stage.

At least she got a bath.


p.s. You'll be happy to know I caught neither stripper-rabies nor some scary projectile-vagina disease to my face.


Friend of "TheNurse" said...

Hey Peach,
I'm sorry to hear about your misfortune of having a labia in your face...i know how it feels as i am a nurse & at least it wasn't the other end

But Yay for no stripper diseases!!
-Friend of "TheNurse"

kim* said...

hey peach,
i thought youd be happy to know that your blog posts have become something of a storytime in our apartment... keep up the comically complicated existence!

love, kim and morgan (thehippie's friends)

ThePeach said...

That does make me happy! Oddly happy. Does that make me sad? Shit.