Friday, February 24, 2006

ThePeach Has an Existential Crisis

It’s been a rough week full of decision-making, doubt, and watching too much Olympic figure skating (last night I made FauxHawk watch the women’s final from 9pm to midnight…do I know how to repel men, or what?). My contract for working for TheBoss is almost up, and I need to make a decision about whether or not to work for him for another excruciating year. Also, FauxHawk got matched to do his 5-year va-j-j residency here, in Universitytown, so now I have a reason to stay – other than to mingle with the gloriously pretentious, bleach-blonde, fake’n’bake, louis vuitton toting scrags who live here on daddy’s money (not to over generalize or anything).

So, do I stay at a job that makes me want to hang myself from the flickering fluorescent lights, or do I whore myself out to the corporate world and hope to find something better? Speaking of whore, do I go to the strip club and ask for that job they offered me? I think being a crack-whore is a perfectly respectable career option. I could make tons of money on tips and from selling poon/my crack-babies to work farms, where they can sort nuts and bolts for the rest of their lives and eat the shiny ones. Shiny means delicious. Oh god, I need a job.

Here’s the deal. I stay at this job for one more year and I have the security of a (small) pay-check, a health plan, and a work-day in which I put in about 2 hours of dedicated work between breaks, naps, coming in late, and leaving early. This leaves me plenty of flexible time to pursue other goal-oriented interests, like watching Oprah and getting drunk.

But then there’s the soul-sucking work itself: Babysitting TheBoss’ kid, writing papers that TheBoss publishes under his own name, and entering survey data until I no longer am able to communicate in words, but only the numbers 0, 1 and 2. And not to mention daily meetings like the one I had yesterday:

TheBoss: *enters office* Have you seen the movie Sin City yet?
ThePeach: No, can’t say that I have.
TheBoss: It reminded me of you.
ThePeach: …how?
TheBoss: *35 minute description of gory, disturbing violence involving sadistic gangsters and hookers while he steals, toasts, and eats a bagel out of someone’s lunch in the lab fridge*
ThePeach: Um…ok, but I’m not seeing how this reminds you of me. Also, I think that bottle of water belongs to someone in the lab.
TheBoss: *drinking*. Whateva! They’ll never notice!
ThePeach: So when exactly did the movie remind you of me?
TheBoss: Oh, right. Well, at one point there’s this weird little guy with razor-nails who likes to eat hookers. Like eat them while they are alive and makes them watch.
ThePeach: Jesus Christ.
TheBoss: And at one point he ties this hooker up, deep-fries her hand in oil, and sucks the meat right off her bones while she watches!
ThePeach: *tries not to vomit a little in mouth*…I’m still not seeing it, Boss.
TheBoss: Well, later on she had a stump! She was an amputee!! *furious giggling*
ThePeach: Ahhhh, I see. Because of the stump.
TheBoss: *teeheeteeheeteehee!!!* Amputees!!!
ThePeach: I really need to finish working on this data.
TheBoss: Shit dude, you’re not done yet??? What have you been doing all morning??
ThePeach: You’ve been down here telling me about sin city for 45 minutes.
TheBoss: *teeheeteeheeteehee* amputees!! You’re going to have to work through your lunch hour today to make up for it.

** if you don’t understand the amputee jokes, read the archives about TheBoss**

So, what would you do? I’ll welcome any advice, no matter how bad. While you're at it, tell me what to do with my life in general. I have no fucking idea.

Keep in mind that I’m as lazy as shit.

ThePeach

3 comments:

thehippie said...

clearly, you should work for the boss AND become a crack whore, thus optimizing your earning potential. and yes you can live in my closet in my yet-to-be-found ghetto house. you and the boss should also look into setting up your own drug dealing buisness in the lab, i'm sure he'd be very interested. i recommend selling low grade speed to pretentious university kids who wont know the difference. remember when we were going to distill our own liquor? i'd still be up for that. i'll go start planting the potatoes.

thepeach said...

this is why you're my soulmate. I'll get the hoe.

wee-one said...

clearly we are going through the existential crisies at the same time... silly fauxhawk and 'yet to be named' and their lives coming to a crucial point

here's to drinking and figuring out our lives over wine and cookie dough

can i come help distill liquor with you and thehippie???