Wednesday, March 08, 2006

I have no sister

It is with great sadness that I report the death of my sister, TigerCat. I shall miss her wily ways, and I feel as though a part of me is now missing. But she’s dead now, and I don’t know if anything will bring her back.

Dead to me, that is.

Allow me to explain. There’s a reason she was my soul-twin. TigerCat and I were alike in many, many strange ways. We both hate most people. We both drive away most men. We finish each other’s sentences. We have the same bra size. And, up until yesterday, we were both retards when it came to math.

No more.

Around 4pm, TigerCat excitedly informed me that she, my supposed sister, had gotten an 85 on her stats midterm. Here is an excerpt from our msn conversation:

TigerCat: Guess what?
ThePeach: Mom got married again?
TigerCat: Come to think of it, I haven’t talked to her in a few days…it’s possible. But that’s not my news!
ThePeach: Ok, tell me.
TigerCat: I got an 85 on my stats midterm!
ThePeach: hmmm, well that’s too bad, but there’s always the final to bring your mark up. Maybe get another tutor.
TigerCat: What the fuck are you talking about?
ThePeach: I’m just saying, a 35 isn’t the end of the world.
TigerCat: I said 85. I got an 85.
TigerCat: I got an 85.
TigerCat: 85. In stats.
ThePeach: …how? Wha? How?
TigerCat: I don’t know…I studied and I understood it.
ThePeach: I have no sister.
TigerCat: Haha come on.

I have no sister.

How I long for the days when she would call me and, in a hysterical combination of crying and screaming with laughter that I know all too well, tell me that she got 13% in accounting. And then I would commiserate by, in the same voice, telling her how I studied for a week straight for my stats final and got a 36. Both of us crying and screaming with laughter. Or that time that she checked her stats mark and said "shit, I got 6 out of 18...well, at least I passed". A tear rolls down my cheek just remembering those precious times.

Up until yesterday, we were convinced that we were genetically retarded in math and all things math related. We were both intelligent in all other areas. I’m not one to toot my own horn (heh), but I am at least reasonably intelligent. Perhaps the best example of this is my GRE scores. GREs are graduate entrance exams similar to LSATs and MCATs. I scored top marks in my verbal and analytical sections. My math section? 11th percentile. 11th PERCENTILE!! A trained monkey (ya, I went there) could score better than 11th percentile!! And I studied for the math section. Just ask TheNurse, who helped me. And now thinks I might be missing a section of my brain. The section that knows the multiplication tables.

So basically, I have actual proof that I am math retarded (by the way, TheHippie is shitting her pants over the number of times I have used the word retarded in this entry). And I was comforted by the fact that TigerCat had the same deformity.

I don’t even know her anymore, man.

I have no sister.



thehippie said...

i AM shocked and dismayed at your use of the term 'retarded'. i will no longer read your blog. now it is you who are dead to me.

thepeach said...

The dictionary definition of 'retarded' (and yes, I looked it up!) is 'underdeveloped, especially mentally'.

I think I can safely, without insulting the actual 'disabled people' out there, call myself math retarded.

But I apologize for causing an ache in your tender, politically-correct, hippie heart. Please accept my apologies and offer of eternal life-partner love.

Never leave me!!! If you did I'd be crazy. Crazy for feeling so lonely.

InRainCity said...

Well, I may be good at math, but man, I'm also the guy who failed hooked on phonics as a kid. Yes, that's right, those shirts that made fun of hooked on phonics clearly should belong to me. As for those tests, I was going to take one, but when I saw there was only ONE math section, there' was no statistical way that I wouldn't be screwed.