Saturday, March 18, 2006

ThePeach Isn't Irish, but you can Fuck Her Anyway

First of all, apologies again for neglecting my blog. I suck. And not just in the good way that keeps me from being single. But also in the bad, neglectful way that makes me a poor blogger. It’s been a weird couple of weeks, but I promise to be better!

So, yesterday was St. Patty’s Day. I love any excuse to get liquored and act like an ass, so I went out to celebrate despite the fact that there’s not a single Irish bone in my body. I will not make the obvious joke.

I wanted to wear green and be festive, but alas, I hadn’t done laundry in a good month and was forced to wear the least smelly shirt I own. It was not green. I was sad. I would just have to pretend to be Irish by getting violently drunk, popping out a few Catholic bastards, and punching Protestants. It seemed appropriate.

The first order of business was to go to a small party with FauxHawk, TheCrazy, and other assorted MedFriends to get our drink on. Despite the fact that the apartment we were in reeked of armpit, it was a good time. I quickly got peachy drunk and tried to join the MedFriends in a conversation about financial planning by saying “Ish don’t even knows what an RRSP is but I thinksh I’m shupposed to have one.” I then noticed a guy who seemed familiar and told FauxHawk and his friends “It’sh very poshible that I fucked him once.” Ah yes, I am a classy girlfriend.

As the liquor and dishes started to run out, I made myself some kind of swampy mixture of juices and gin that ended up resembling cloudy urine in an empty mason jar and drank that. When some blonde cleavage-vessel who was so drunk that she could only open one eye at a time asked me if there were any more drinks I told her “I’ms drinking fucking urine out of a mashon jar – what the fucks do you think?”. Then I helped her pour one of her own. I like it when drunk hoes fall down.

I spent quite a while sitting on the couch watching a guy Pediatrician drink, dance like a stripper, drink, simulate ramming his girlfriend in the ass, drink, put an amateur porn video on, drink, pelvic thrust the air, drink, and show us how fast he could flick his tongue (“the ladies looove it!”). When it was time to leave, he offered to give us a lift to the club. I declined. I didn’t want to die.

And this guy works with sick children. This is why I no longer have faith in medicine.

At the club, we met up with TheNurse, TheHussy, and some of their friends. That’s when things got…sloppy. I quickly became adorned with green garlands and shamrock-sticker paste-ons. Sweet, I no longer needed to get knocked up to get in the Irish spirit of things. It was probably for the best. Any fetus that managed to survive in my womb would be so pickled with alcohol and drugs that it would have flippers for arms and legs and, most likely, Smirnoff instead of blood. Actually, that would be funny.

Next, I started handing strangers wallet-sized pictures of the guy whose apartment we had been at. I found them on his desk. I wrote his phone number and "call me for big dick" on the back, which is funny because the guy is the size of a medium-built midget. I hope someone calls him.

TheCrazy, who is a much sloppier drunk than I, started molesting me. There’s a few pictures circulating around somewhere of TheCrazy unbuttoning my pants, tugging on the front of my underwear, and licking my stomach. Look for them on your favourite amateur porn site. I got into it, though, and the 2 of us started dancing like greased-up strippers on E. I took my face out of her tits long enough to notice that we had attracted a crowd, and that the bouncers were circling us. Not to stop us. Not to kick us out. To watch us. It was time to go. Also, it was 2:45am and the music had stopped 15 minutes ago.

FauxHawk and TheCrazy went to get some Poutine and I went with TheNurse to get some pizza. On the way, I started randomly talking to people and asking them to join our “orgy”. Most people looked at me like I was a leper, mainly the girls (stuck-up universitytown whores!), but one guy said “hell yeah!” and followed us to PizzaPizza.

ThePeach: So you want to be in our orgy?
TheNurse: Ohhhh god, Peach!
Guy: Ya I do!!
ThePeach: What can you offer us? You think we’ll take anybody?
Guy: I have a tongue ring!
TheNurse: And it’s orange…
ThePeach: You know, I dated a guy with a tongue ring and it didn’t do anything for me. All I gained was the loss of tooth enamel.
Guy: Well, he didn’t know what he was doing.
TheNurse: And you do?
Guy: Hell ya!
ThePeach: Ok fine, you can be in our orgy but you can’t fuck me because I have a boyfriend.
Guy: YOU have a boyfriend???
ThePeach: Don’t worry, TheNurse doesn’t. You can fuck her.
TheNurse: Jesus, Peach!
ThePeach: Ok, fine. You can fuck her friend *Friend of TheNurse that I met that night*
Friend: Great, thanks.
ThePeach: I want a fucking Pita.
Guy: But we’re at PizzaPizza.
ThePeach: This is true. I must now leave. To Pita Pit!

And that’s the last time TheNurse saw me that night.

I found FauxHawk and TheCrazy in the Poutine Place and we spent the next half hour trying to get a fucking cab. Fucking, fucking universitytown!! Finally, TheCrazy (who was, by the way, dressed up as a leprechaun) threw her poutine at a bush and took off running down the middle of the street at full leprechaun speed. FauxHawk and I looked at each other.

ThePeach: Should we go after her?
FauxHawk: Well…she’s pretty far ahead. In fact she may be gone forever.
ThePeach: *wipes a tear* I’ll miss her.

But lo and behold, moments later a cab came zooming up to us with TheCrazy in the passenger seat. She had done the impossible: snagged us a coveted cab on the busiest night of the year. God bless her precious soul. When she got out (“Guys, I have no money”), she thanked the cabbie by wistfully and tenderly caressing his face in both of her hands.

When we got back to FauxHawk’s, I somehow managed to knock over his 3-storey, painstakingly organized metrosexual shoe rack. He spent the next 20 minutes in an OCD frenzy while I was banished to the couch and ordered not to touch anything else.

He still did me, though.

ThePeach.

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