Thursday, April 27, 2006

I've officially named him Milo. Although I might have to change it to 'spawn of satan' or 'old japanese man' . This cat is so going to scratch my eyes out in my sleep. And he smells like sour ass. And I still love him. Why do I do this to myself?? Posted by Picasa

My Cat Smells Like Feces

I’m not sure why, but Milo smells like rotten ass. It started out as something that I could ignore, but now the smell has become so pungent that I’m starting to get worried about him. Why does he smell like sour feces? He doesn’t seem sick. In fact, he is tearing through my apartment like a bat out of hell as I type this. I am perplexed. And a little nauseous, frankly.

I’m also drunk at 10pm. This isn’t unusual, except that my night is over instead of starting. Allow me to explain. I went to our local bar to watch the hockey game with FauxHawk, T.O.P, TheCrazy, El Fart (TheCrazy’s bf) and TheDiva. The game started at 7pm and I was drunk soon after. But unfortunately, I am lame and had no plans afterwards and came home to hang out with my rancid-smelling kitten. Drunk.

Oh my god this is sad. I will post something entertaining tomorrow, I promise.

There are some things I’m better at when I’m drunk. Like dancing, the sex, and threatening to beat up thugs.

I’ll stick to writing sober.


Monday, April 24, 2006

My future little hellion. I picked him because he looks like he has an attitude and will run around my apartment like he's bat-shit crazy. In other words, I think we'll get along. Please help me name him. So far I've come up with "puppy", to fuck with him. Kidding. Kind of. Posted by Picasa

ThePeach is Back

I’m back, in high spirits, and having guilt pangs about not updating for over 2 weeks! Please still read my blog.

Because too many things happened to me in the last 2 weeks to explain them all in detail, I will simply provide you with a list.

The following things happened to the me in the last 2 weeks:

1. FauxHawk and I got back together about 3 days ago. Huzzah. And yes, I am aware that only I and old British men use the word ‘huzzah’. 2 weeks of being apart = mad jungle sex? I’ll let you know. Oh wait, I won’t. Because then FauxHawk’s friends will probably stop reading my blog and my readership will go down, and I’m a whore for readership. And Money. Seriously.

2. I am getting a cat!! Insert crazy cat lady jokes here, you bitches. Some people might think it backward to get a cat after getting back together with your bf, but since when did I ever do anything the right way? Besides, I need to channel my love into more places than just FauxHawk and canned icing. This boy cat is going to be so loved and spoiled that no girl cat will ever be good enough for it! But this is a moot point since I will be neutering it as soon as possible. Also, please leave any name suggestions that you can come up with. No, TheHubby, we cannot call it Flipper. But we can mate it with your bunny!

3. I only went to the gym once. It was beautiful. The being lazy, not the one time I went to the gym. The one time I went to the gym was actually very sad and pathetic because I went to the all-women’s gym and worked out with the other single people hiding from their exes, divorcees hiding from men in general, and eager lesbians that flock there. Not. Fun.

4. My grandpa got stopped at airport security when we were flying together to my mom’s for Easter because he was carrying a mickey of Brandy. On the same trip, we got picked up in one of those little airport golf-cart thingies and driven to our gate because my grandpa is so old and slow. The cart had a flashing light and a horn. It was hard to hide my face. Also, my grandpa spent the entire flight explaining the mechanics of the airplane to me. I tried to fake sleeping, but it didn’t work.

5. My dad, in an effort to cheer me up about FauxHawk, told me about how on the weekends he (my dad) likes to smoke pot and fix things at his buddy’s cottage. He told me about how he gets all paranoid when he’s climbing the 60 foot ladder onto the roof to check the roof tiles when he’s so high. He said if I ever wanted any pot he could get me some. This conversation warped my mind and scarred me for life. I wish I could say it turned me off pot, but that’s a bold-face lie.

6. I didn’t eat for a week and lost 5 pounds. Then I didn’t stop eating for a week and gained 10. Then I saw FauxHawk for the first time since the breakup. Typical. But I’m not going to stop eating pie for dinner any time soon, that’s for damned sure!

7. TheBoss took a picture of my cleavage at our office party and showed it to everyone at the table, including his 11 year old daughter. I swear that this is true, although I badly, badly wish it weren’t. I also wish that he had been drunk, just to make it seem somehow more appropriate, but he was stone cold sober. Afterwards he whispered something to his daughter that I couldn’t hear, but I bet it was “don’t tell mom”.

8. I had my last driving lesson with Frank, *tear*. He showed up wearing a safari shirt and wide-brim sunhat, and never explained why. He asked me if my “lazy boyfriend had finally let me practice” and I told him that we had broken up and then almost ran a red . Once we recovered from that, Frank informed me that I would have no problem finding someone new since I was such an “attractive lady”, and that he would “go for me” if he were younger. In fact, he would “go for me regardless” if he weren’t “happily involved with a partner” because I was “very pretty” and had a “nice figure”. By the way, he was telling me these things as he was evaluating me on a driving test. So it was interspersed with directions such as “turn left here”, “change lanes now” and “watch out for those pedestrians!”. Needless to say, I did not do well.

9. My grandpa bought me a gerbera daisy plant and the directions said it was the easiest plant ever to care for because it hardly ever needed to be watered. 5 days later, it looked like it crawled out of Auschwitz and then was set on fire. I kill all things beautiful. Animal Services is going to be at my place within a week of when I bring the cat home.

10. TigerCat and I rented “The Corpse Bride” and “Fun with Dick and Jane” on a Saturday night during Easter. As we were paying, I smelled my shirt (it smelled like something funky we had eaten for dinner), made a confused face and said “god, what the fuck do I reek like?? Seriously, *sniff* what is this smell? Meat??”. The 20-something semi-attractive man working at the movie store laughed out loud at me without making any effort to conceal his judgment. I decided to further embarrass TigerCat by adding “Why am I single?? I’m so sexy! Oh wait, it’s because I’m renting The Fucking Corpse Bride on a Saturday night”. We laughed our asses off. Then we went home and I cried into a slice of pie and 2 muffins. My mom baked to fatten me up. Clever wench.

11. On the train ride back to Universitytown (6 hour train ride, by the way. So fun!) I was stuck next to some Neanderthal of a man the entire time. He was completely hairless, probably weighed close to 300 pounds, smelled mildly of feces, and kept grunting and violently throwing himself around in the seat to try to get comfortable. I hated him and wished him a violent death for 5 hours and 45 minutes. 15 minutes away from Universitytown he pulls out a chocolate bar, turns towards me, and in the most polite and poised possible voice asks me if I would like some chocolate, and then offers to leave the candy within my reach if I should change my mind. Next time, maybe he should lead with that. I still ate the candy.

12. I got tres tres drunk with TheHippie, TheHubby, WeeOne, and TheHippie’s boyfriend. There was no occasion. We just sat on couches in their living room and got shit-bombed. I more than anyone else. Then we watched porn. Because why the fuck not? At one point, I found a teeny little sombrero and TheHubby put it on a plastic pig (jesus christ we live like hobos) and created a new House Mascot: Senor Pigglesworth. It seemed hilarious at the time. Fuck that, it’s still hilarious.

13. Speaking of Hobos, FauxHawk grew a beard while we were apart.

14. TheNurse made me the best grilled cheese sandwich ever, and she cut it in triangles. She’s the best babysitter ever! Later, when we went to Dairy Queen for a sugar fix, I started discussing the topic of Anal Sex with her really, really, loudly and embarrassed the hell out of both of us when I remembered that a) other people exist in the universe, b) they can hear me, c) they don’t necessarily want to hear about that when they’re eating a frosty treat. Or ever.

15. An old friend took me out for dinner, which seemed a very nice gesture. Then he told me that he was thinking of leaving his wife – who is 7 months pregnant – and wondered if I would hook up with him if they ever took a break. I hate mens. I still let him pay for dinner, though. See 1. re: I'm a whore for money.

16. Rrroll up the rim ended. It was a devastating loss and I took it hard. Worse still, the TimHo’s across the street from me is closing in a week for the entire summer. Apparently they don’t think they’ll get enough service when the students leave. Fucking, fucking Universitytown!!!

17. Despite the loss of TimHo's, I’m excited for the summer. My little chat arrives tomorrow (seriously – suggest names. I’ll post a pic to inspire you), my next article is going to be published in the communist newspaper and I didn’t even have to muff dive, my raise takes effect in a few months and all it cost me was a picture of my cleavage and my dignity, I am starting an English degree while I work because the University pays for it and because I am THAT bored that I’m willing to go back to school for no good reason, and I have lots of fun crap planned with my friends that may or may not result in my either getting arrested in Toronto, soliciting male strippers for sex in Montreal, or stealing pot and passing out in a canoe in Peterborough.

And now you are completely updated on the happenings of my life. Was it good for you?


Tuesday, April 11, 2006

ThePeach is on Hiatus

My eye has been twitching for a month straight. My left eye. I went to see my doctor and she asked if I had increased my caffeine intake at all in the last month, and then it hit me: roll up the rim started a month ago.

MOTHERFUCKING roll up the rim!!! You’re ruining my life AND my vision!

The day after I went to the doctor, I rrrolled up the rim and won a free donut.

Life is funny.

So, content with my winnings, I stopped going to TimHos to play roll up the rim twice a day and hoped the twitch would go away.

But my eye was still twitching.

My office-buddy told me that, according to Chinese superstition, a twitching eye – esp. the left eye – means that bad things are coming your way. Whatever, loser! I already gagned my free donut! Only good things were coming my way!

And then FauxHawk and I broke up the next day.

My eye twitch is gone.

Life is funny, The Chinese are a very wise people, rrroll up the rim still can rrrape my ass, and I am on hiatus from blogging until my life becomes hilarious again. Because no one wants to read sad-girl blog.

Oh, and yesterday a cat followed me for 4 blocks. 1 cat down, 49 to go!

Tres Sad ThePeach

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

ThePeach's Life Continues to Become More Bizarre

It’s been an interesting week so far. TheBoss offered me a raise, first of all. Yes, I am well aware that it is totally undeserved. Apparently I am to be rewarded for my 3 hour work days, in which I talk on msn and continue to rrroll up the rim to no result (MOTHERFUCKERS!!).

Anyway, to be more specific, TheBoss’s boss offered me a raise, and TheBoss is grudgingly going along with it. Huzzah! I like monies. They let me eat and buy pretty things.

But it’s not all sweet. No. TheBoss told me that I now have to ‘raise the bar’ and work ‘a full day’. I guess he wants me to be in my office from 9-5 every day. I have no problem with this, really, except that he often gives me the lone task of “mail this letter for me” to get done in a week. It takes me about 5 minutes to mail a letter. What the fuck does he want me to do for the other 4 days, 7 hours, and 55 minutes in a week? That’s a lot of rrroll up the rim. If I don’t gagne myself a donut soon, I’m going to throw feces, angry-monkey style, at the next TimHo’s employee I see. Seriously.

On a side note, have you all heard about that suicide arsonist who blew himself up in a TimHo’s in Toronto? I bet he lost one too many rrroll up the rim and declared Jihad on it. I made FauxHawk promise to break into my blog and let my loyal readers know the truth if I ever end up doing the same.

In other bizarre news, I started volunteering as a writer for a communist newspaper because they were the only newspaper that wrote back to me. Man, they are desperate. It seemed safe at the beginning, though. They started me out on a theatre review. Ok, that’s not too controversial, I can handle this – I thought. Wrong. That’s how they rope you in. Fucking commies. Now I’m working on some whistle-blower about the humane society (ummm ya…I have no idea what the issue even is), the “international director” (ie. Some smelly guy who lives in his mom’s basement in NY state, most likely) has contacted me to ask me to write some conspiracy article about revolutions in Eastern European countries that are a direct result of the US trying to take power away from Russia (or, as they coined it “deprive Russia of its sphere of influence”), and the next thing you know I’m going to be standing, un-showered and adorned with hemp, on street corners telling people to read “The Catcher in the Rye” because that’s where the “answers lie”. Oh, and I’ll probably also become a lesbian. Sorry FauxHawk. Not that you would have kept me around too long after I stopped shaving.

Power to the meat curtains!

Seriously though, I just wanted to write. Now there’s a good chance that I’m either going to made to “disappear” by the CIA or become some brainwashed hippie who publishes conspiracy flyers on 100% recycled paper in my basement and then makes passionate love to some dreadlocked chick named “Freedom”.

TheHippie would get over me, eventually.


Ps – Oh, TheHippie, you know I’d never actually leave you.