Monday, April 24, 2006

ThePeach is Back

I’m back, in high spirits, and having guilt pangs about not updating for over 2 weeks! Please still read my blog.

Because too many things happened to me in the last 2 weeks to explain them all in detail, I will simply provide you with a list.

The following things happened to the me in the last 2 weeks:

1. FauxHawk and I got back together about 3 days ago. Huzzah. And yes, I am aware that only I and old British men use the word ‘huzzah’. 2 weeks of being apart = mad jungle sex? I’ll let you know. Oh wait, I won’t. Because then FauxHawk’s friends will probably stop reading my blog and my readership will go down, and I’m a whore for readership. And Money. Seriously.

2. I am getting a cat!! Insert crazy cat lady jokes here, you bitches. Some people might think it backward to get a cat after getting back together with your bf, but since when did I ever do anything the right way? Besides, I need to channel my love into more places than just FauxHawk and canned icing. This boy cat is going to be so loved and spoiled that no girl cat will ever be good enough for it! But this is a moot point since I will be neutering it as soon as possible. Also, please leave any name suggestions that you can come up with. No, TheHubby, we cannot call it Flipper. But we can mate it with your bunny!

3. I only went to the gym once. It was beautiful. The being lazy, not the one time I went to the gym. The one time I went to the gym was actually very sad and pathetic because I went to the all-women’s gym and worked out with the other single people hiding from their exes, divorcees hiding from men in general, and eager lesbians that flock there. Not. Fun.

4. My grandpa got stopped at airport security when we were flying together to my mom’s for Easter because he was carrying a mickey of Brandy. On the same trip, we got picked up in one of those little airport golf-cart thingies and driven to our gate because my grandpa is so old and slow. The cart had a flashing light and a horn. It was hard to hide my face. Also, my grandpa spent the entire flight explaining the mechanics of the airplane to me. I tried to fake sleeping, but it didn’t work.

5. My dad, in an effort to cheer me up about FauxHawk, told me about how on the weekends he (my dad) likes to smoke pot and fix things at his buddy’s cottage. He told me about how he gets all paranoid when he’s climbing the 60 foot ladder onto the roof to check the roof tiles when he’s so high. He said if I ever wanted any pot he could get me some. This conversation warped my mind and scarred me for life. I wish I could say it turned me off pot, but that’s a bold-face lie.

6. I didn’t eat for a week and lost 5 pounds. Then I didn’t stop eating for a week and gained 10. Then I saw FauxHawk for the first time since the breakup. Typical. But I’m not going to stop eating pie for dinner any time soon, that’s for damned sure!

7. TheBoss took a picture of my cleavage at our office party and showed it to everyone at the table, including his 11 year old daughter. I swear that this is true, although I badly, badly wish it weren’t. I also wish that he had been drunk, just to make it seem somehow more appropriate, but he was stone cold sober. Afterwards he whispered something to his daughter that I couldn’t hear, but I bet it was “don’t tell mom”.

8. I had my last driving lesson with Frank, *tear*. He showed up wearing a safari shirt and wide-brim sunhat, and never explained why. He asked me if my “lazy boyfriend had finally let me practice” and I told him that we had broken up and then almost ran a red . Once we recovered from that, Frank informed me that I would have no problem finding someone new since I was such an “attractive lady”, and that he would “go for me” if he were younger. In fact, he would “go for me regardless” if he weren’t “happily involved with a partner” because I was “very pretty” and had a “nice figure”. By the way, he was telling me these things as he was evaluating me on a driving test. So it was interspersed with directions such as “turn left here”, “change lanes now” and “watch out for those pedestrians!”. Needless to say, I did not do well.

9. My grandpa bought me a gerbera daisy plant and the directions said it was the easiest plant ever to care for because it hardly ever needed to be watered. 5 days later, it looked like it crawled out of Auschwitz and then was set on fire. I kill all things beautiful. Animal Services is going to be at my place within a week of when I bring the cat home.

10. TigerCat and I rented “The Corpse Bride” and “Fun with Dick and Jane” on a Saturday night during Easter. As we were paying, I smelled my shirt (it smelled like something funky we had eaten for dinner), made a confused face and said “god, what the fuck do I reek like?? Seriously, *sniff* what is this smell? Meat??”. The 20-something semi-attractive man working at the movie store laughed out loud at me without making any effort to conceal his judgment. I decided to further embarrass TigerCat by adding “Why am I single?? I’m so sexy! Oh wait, it’s because I’m renting The Fucking Corpse Bride on a Saturday night”. We laughed our asses off. Then we went home and I cried into a slice of pie and 2 muffins. My mom baked to fatten me up. Clever wench.

11. On the train ride back to Universitytown (6 hour train ride, by the way. So fun!) I was stuck next to some Neanderthal of a man the entire time. He was completely hairless, probably weighed close to 300 pounds, smelled mildly of feces, and kept grunting and violently throwing himself around in the seat to try to get comfortable. I hated him and wished him a violent death for 5 hours and 45 minutes. 15 minutes away from Universitytown he pulls out a chocolate bar, turns towards me, and in the most polite and poised possible voice asks me if I would like some chocolate, and then offers to leave the candy within my reach if I should change my mind. Next time, maybe he should lead with that. I still ate the candy.

12. I got tres tres drunk with TheHippie, TheHubby, WeeOne, and TheHippie’s boyfriend. There was no occasion. We just sat on couches in their living room and got shit-bombed. I more than anyone else. Then we watched porn. Because why the fuck not? At one point, I found a teeny little sombrero and TheHubby put it on a plastic pig (jesus christ we live like hobos) and created a new House Mascot: Senor Pigglesworth. It seemed hilarious at the time. Fuck that, it’s still hilarious.

13. Speaking of Hobos, FauxHawk grew a beard while we were apart.

14. TheNurse made me the best grilled cheese sandwich ever, and she cut it in triangles. She’s the best babysitter ever! Later, when we went to Dairy Queen for a sugar fix, I started discussing the topic of Anal Sex with her really, really, loudly and embarrassed the hell out of both of us when I remembered that a) other people exist in the universe, b) they can hear me, c) they don’t necessarily want to hear about that when they’re eating a frosty treat. Or ever.

15. An old friend took me out for dinner, which seemed a very nice gesture. Then he told me that he was thinking of leaving his wife – who is 7 months pregnant – and wondered if I would hook up with him if they ever took a break. I hate mens. I still let him pay for dinner, though. See 1. re: I'm a whore for money.

16. Rrroll up the rim ended. It was a devastating loss and I took it hard. Worse still, the TimHo’s across the street from me is closing in a week for the entire summer. Apparently they don’t think they’ll get enough service when the students leave. Fucking, fucking Universitytown!!!

17. Despite the loss of TimHo's, I’m excited for the summer. My little chat arrives tomorrow (seriously – suggest names. I’ll post a pic to inspire you), my next article is going to be published in the communist newspaper and I didn’t even have to muff dive, my raise takes effect in a few months and all it cost me was a picture of my cleavage and my dignity, I am starting an English degree while I work because the University pays for it and because I am THAT bored that I’m willing to go back to school for no good reason, and I have lots of fun crap planned with my friends that may or may not result in my either getting arrested in Toronto, soliciting male strippers for sex in Montreal, or stealing pot and passing out in a canoe in Peterborough.

And now you are completely updated on the happenings of my life. Was it good for you?



asian cymbals said...

I'm happy for you!

Did you up your numbers during the hiatus? Did you? Because you should have!! And if you didn't...well, you'll regret it. You'll see.

Well, I'm just pleased for you, and that's what I wanted to say. I sneak in a congratulatory asian lesbian love hug.


virgin post said...

Haha, I like the name puppy. You should get asian cymbals to think of some quality names for you. She named my cat mashed potato. We usually call him Tato for short. But sometimes I like to call him Potato. Cats are so cute! Good luck with yours, he seems like he'll be a trouble maker! :)

thehippie said...

welcome back to blogging my love

Cass/Evil Bird said...

Hoooray!!!! While I'm sure Fauxhawk is a stellar guy, I'm really happier that you guys got back together so that I can return to reading about your amazingly funny life.

This also means that you will be too busy having jungle sex to realize I have not visited yet. Do not for a second think that I don't cry every moment we are apart, but things got ridiculous around here cause I realized I was super unprepared to leave for treeplanting and that a messed up weekend in Kingston would not help the situation. I would have definitely been there in a second (well more like 2 hours) if you were still mourning the loss of your doctor.

I'm sure the summer will bring us together when I return in July.

Mucho love,
Evil Bird