Tuesday, April 04, 2006

ThePeach's Life Continues to Become More Bizarre

It’s been an interesting week so far. TheBoss offered me a raise, first of all. Yes, I am well aware that it is totally undeserved. Apparently I am to be rewarded for my 3 hour work days, in which I talk on msn and continue to rrroll up the rim to no result (MOTHERFUCKERS!!).

Anyway, to be more specific, TheBoss’s boss offered me a raise, and TheBoss is grudgingly going along with it. Huzzah! I like monies. They let me eat and buy pretty things.

But it’s not all sweet. No. TheBoss told me that I now have to ‘raise the bar’ and work ‘a full day’. I guess he wants me to be in my office from 9-5 every day. I have no problem with this, really, except that he often gives me the lone task of “mail this letter for me” to get done in a week. It takes me about 5 minutes to mail a letter. What the fuck does he want me to do for the other 4 days, 7 hours, and 55 minutes in a week? That’s a lot of rrroll up the rim. If I don’t gagne myself a donut soon, I’m going to throw feces, angry-monkey style, at the next TimHo’s employee I see. Seriously.

On a side note, have you all heard about that suicide arsonist who blew himself up in a TimHo’s in Toronto? I bet he lost one too many rrroll up the rim and declared Jihad on it. I made FauxHawk promise to break into my blog and let my loyal readers know the truth if I ever end up doing the same.

In other bizarre news, I started volunteering as a writer for a communist newspaper because they were the only newspaper that wrote back to me. Man, they are desperate. It seemed safe at the beginning, though. They started me out on a theatre review. Ok, that’s not too controversial, I can handle this – I thought. Wrong. That’s how they rope you in. Fucking commies. Now I’m working on some whistle-blower about the humane society (ummm ya…I have no idea what the issue even is), the “international director” (ie. Some smelly guy who lives in his mom’s basement in NY state, most likely) has contacted me to ask me to write some conspiracy article about revolutions in Eastern European countries that are a direct result of the US trying to take power away from Russia (or, as they coined it “deprive Russia of its sphere of influence”), and the next thing you know I’m going to be standing, un-showered and adorned with hemp, on street corners telling people to read “The Catcher in the Rye” because that’s where the “answers lie”. Oh, and I’ll probably also become a lesbian. Sorry FauxHawk. Not that you would have kept me around too long after I stopped shaving.

Power to the meat curtains!

Seriously though, I just wanted to write. Now there’s a good chance that I’m either going to made to “disappear” by the CIA or become some brainwashed hippie who publishes conspiracy flyers on 100% recycled paper in my basement and then makes passionate love to some dreadlocked chick named “Freedom”.

TheHippie would get over me, eventually.


Ps – Oh, TheHippie, you know I’d never actually leave you.


thepilot said...

If you're being paid more to talk to me on MSN, I expect the bar there to be raised as well.

thehippie said...

you should write an expose on scientology, that shits fucked. and by write, i mean cut and paste from rollingstone. the commies will never know, they're against "commercial magazines that oppress the people". and i'd fucking stab "freedom" and her dirty/hippie/dyke ways if she ever got between us.

theHubby said...

I would sell tickets to watch the Hippie get into a hippie/hobo fight with Freedom. That would be hot....and a REALLY good money making opportunity. I have $15 on the Hippie...have you seen her pipes?!?!?

thehippie said...

pipes of steal motherfuckas. i'm a biter too