Thursday, May 18, 2006

Happy Birthday, TheNurse!!!

So it was TheNurse’s birthday yesterday and, in typical fashion, we all got shit-bombed. It’s 6pm and I’m still hungover. I love you, TheNurse.

Our night began with some pre-dinner cake Chez LePeach. I have to say, I bake a mean fucker of a cake. It was damn good. Unfortunately, the fact that I baked means that I now have half a can of frosting in my fridge once again. And we all know what that means: anytime I experience any sort of “feeling” in the next 2 weeks, be it sadness, annoyance, anger, happiness, boredom, or hunger – I’m going to eat frosting. My back fat is already screaming in anger:

ThePeach’s Back Fat: YOU BITCH! WHY DO YOU EVEN GO THE GYM IF YOU’RE GOING TO EAT LIKE A FAT-KID AT A PIZZA HUT BUFFET LUNCH??!! WHY EVEN TRY TO TONE ME ON THE TREADMILL?? WHY DON’T YOU JUST ROLL IN ICING AND SAVE YOUR BODY THE TROUBLE OF DIGESTING AND DISTRIBUTING FATTY CELLS?? I HATE YOU. I AM SO HANGING OVER YOUR JEANS FOR THE NEXT 2 MONTHS. SLUT.

Hurrah!

After we ate a sick amount of pre-dinner cake (as we should, on TheNurse’s birthday!), we walked the 12 blocks to her friend’s house for a BBQ. Because I have skipped the gym for the past 2 weeks, I wheezed like an annoying asthmatic kid the entire way and, despite the chilly weather, got a good case of the sweats. I’m so sexy. I stripped off my coat and displayed my slooty tube top to the world about halfway there, conveniently as we were walking past the fire station. I like firemen.

As we were walking, TheNurse, in a rare display of foreshadowing, told me that I couldn’t let her get too drunk because she didn’t want to be as ridiculous as I had been on my birthday several months ago. Specifically, she didn’t want to be as ridiculous as I had been in the cab on the way home from the club.

*time warp to ThePeach’s Birthday*

ThePeach: I WANTS to get LAID!
TheNurse: Here we go…
FauxHawk: *shakes head in shame*
Cabbie: *laughs*
ThePeach: YOU HEARS ME, FAUXHAWK??? LAID!
TheNurse: Peach, shhhhh…we’re in public still.
Cabbie: Hey, my name is FauxHawk, too! Weird!
ThePeach: Well, your names mightsh be FauxHawk but I’m probablys not gonna lays you!
FauxHawk: That’s sweet.
Cabbie: *awkward silence*
TheNurse: Hey, what do you know? My stop is here! *jumps out of cab*
ThePeach: IIIIIT’S MY BIIIIIIRRRRTHDAAAAYYYY!!!

*time warp back to present*

So, basically, TheNurse didn’t want to talk about getting laid in the cab and kept reminding me how ridiculous I was. Remember this conversation for later. God I love poetic justice.

We arrived at the BBQ, where I stuffed my face full of meats. Then I ate some dinner. Ha, I’m so clever.

TheNurse then started sucking on her sweet teat of life: Rum. TheNurse can drink rum like no one’s business. Seriously, I am in awe of her. She’s such a rummy. At some point, someone attached a sparkly birthday crown to her head that remained there for the rest of the night. It was hawt. At another point, we moved the part-ay to a nearby house full of mens. Hurrah! Except that the mens only socialized among themselves and had their own little cock-ranch of a dance party going on in the kitchen that involved a lot of stamping of feet and grunting. I was confused until someone informed me that they were all in the military. Then their behaviour made a lot more sense. I guess military men are afraid of cleave. Excepting, of course, ass cleave.

We finally made it to the bar and continued buying TheNurse more drinks then she could hold and dancing like the sluts we used to be when we were 20. Or was that just me? Come on, you all know that you went on the trampage, too. Don’t lie to me. Don’t.

The highlights of the bar included the bartender accidentally spraying me in the teat with a stream of water, TheNurse grabbing my rack, TheNurse dancing on stage, and the fat awkward girl who knew all of the words to “I’m sorry, Miss Jackson” (ooooh! I am for real!).

Something that put a real downer on the night was the appearance of TheTool – TheNurse’s ex-bf whom I have mentioned before. He is what we call a real mind-fuck. I don’t want to get into the details, but he broke up with the nurse about 8 months ago (what was he thinking???), broke her heart, was a raging dick, and now bothers her because “they don’t talk anymore” and because “they haven’t fooled around since”. Mind-fuck. Anyway, he showed up, took a look at TheNurse’s hawt self, and bought her a drink. TheNurse took one sip, realized that he bought her a vodka-water, and gave it back to him:

TheNurse: I’m not going to drink this. It’s a vodka-water. Only anorexic girls drink this. What are you thinking??

So, TheTool came back with two Nurse-approved drinks and gave them to her. I, being the good friend that I am, hovered over the nurse like a back-pack to supervise her behaviour. She knows that she doesn’t want to lay him. I know that she doesn’t want to lay him. But does rummy know that she doesn’t want to lay him? I had to make sure.

No, Rummy didn’t want to lay TheTool. But she did want to yell at him, deservedly, on the dance floor. That’s my girl!! Give’em hell!

We left around 2:30 and got in a cab. On the ride home:

TheNurse: OH MY GOD, THETOOL WANTS TO LAY ME SO BAD BUT I WILL NEVER LET HIM LAY ME AGAIN!
ThePeach: heh. Poetic.
TheNurse: Huh?
ThePeach: Nothing, continue.
TheCabbie: *awkward silence*
TheNurse: SERIOUSLY!! WHY DOES HE THINK I’LL LAY HIM??? I’M NOT GONNA LAY HIM!! I might vomit, though. Yep…soon.
ThePeach: Want to come to my place and eat more cake?
TheNurse: YES!!

So, TheNurse and I ate more cake, followed by gravol and advil. Just after 3, she left.

FauxHawk (ya, he was there the whole time. I didn’t mention him because he didn’t do anything significant. Except be hawt.) had to wake up at 8:30 to help a friend move, and I woke up at 10 to tell TheBoss that I wouldn’t be coming in that day because I was sick. Which is only a half lie. Then I slept until mid-afternoon and stumbled around in a hangover daze. I had to go to the dentist at 2. Let me tell you, the only thing worse than going to the dentist with a hangover is finding out that the person cleaning your teeth was at the bar with you and stayed even later than you did. Fucking UniversityTown!!!

She flossed me up real nice, though.

ThePeach

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, THENURSE!!!

5 comments:

TheNurse said...

I would just like to say that although I do not remember the cab ride home, and I barely remember even being at the peach's house I did not puke and managed to not be hungover for my night shift. But it's true thetool probably does want to lay me and it's never going to happen

thenurse said...

oh I forgot, If there's any cake left and you need someone to eat it i'm your girl

kim* said...

upon my return from newzealandsville, aka the most beautiful place of life, im happily settling back into the comforts of canada, namely the endless supply of diet pepsi to feed my sad, sad addiction, sporadic tv nights with thehippie, and the return of the most comically complicated blog in the universe. im baking a cake and eating the whole thing in your honour tomorrow. ill send you the leftover icing in the mail.

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