Monday, May 01, 2006

ThePeach is Confused by Mens

I’ve noticed a pattern in the people that I know, and, much like the days of attempting to understand the patterns pointed out to me by my grade 3 math teacher, I can’t make sense of it. Circle, square, circle, triangle? Fuck you, Mrs. McGowan – your “math” is dead to me.

I have many friends in relationships at the moment, and those that aren’t currently committed to the one-gina or the penI have been in the past, and can relate. I’ve bitched about this strange pattern of behaviour in the past, my friends have bitched about it, and now I am going to bitch about it again. Why, you might ask? First I must ask a question. Have we met? I didn’t think so. My name is ThePeach and I bitch about everything. If you don’t know that by now then I probably don’t like you. Don’t ask anymore questions.

Here is my query:

When did men stop wanting to have the sex?

Those men currently reading my blog are probably laughing their asses off right now at the ridiculousness of my question – but I ask you, chicks who read my blog: don’t you think it’s true? I can probably rattle off at least 10 female friends right now who have told at me, at one time or another, how they almost have to force their boyfriends into bed. I had a conversation on msn the other day with a good friend who was bitching about how she never got laid by her boyfriend, and how she had to repeatedly force him to do the sex with her when she got desperate enough. Just the other night, under the influence of way too many drinks, another friend confessed that she was humiliated by how her libido was so much higher than her bf’s, and how she had to force him to do it with her. One of my friends actually had to chase down her fuck-buddy – in a cab - when he left the bar without her because he would rather go to sleep than lay her hot, hot self. She literally hunted him down to make him do her.

Another piece of alarming evidence comes from a conversation with someone I work with:

Workchick: I’ve tried everything. Sexy underwear, no underwear, candles, brazilian waxes…after a while, it just becomes humiliating.
ThePeach: I hear ya.
Workchick: What does a woman have to do to get laid?? By her boyfriend??
ThePeach: I find that 20-25 minutes of watching Dave Letterman silently in bed often does the trick, but it’s not foolproof by any means.
Workchick: Fuck!! I hate the Letterman foreplay!!
ThePeach: But you have to admit that he’s witty.
Workchick: I just want some throw-down, you know? I just want my boyfriend to THROW ME DOWN.

And my friends are hot. HOT. Lots of people want to fuck them. Shit, I want to fuck them. Apparently the only people who don’t want to fuck them are the mens who actually get to do it.

This is not ok with me. Dear mens who read my blog: please tell me what is going on with your gender. When va-j-j is literally being served to you on a platter, why do you send it back to the kitchen? Because you only want it when you have to hunt for it, like some kind of cheetah taking down a gazelle?

Most of the gazelles around here have lice and a meth problem.

I will conclude with the lyrics from the vocal stylings of an artist by the name of Tenacious D:

Fuck Her Gently by Tenacious D:

This is a song for the ladies
But fellas listen closely
You don't always have to fuck her hard
In fact sometimes that's not right to do
Sometimes you've got to make some love
And fuckin give her some smoochies too
Sometimes ya got to squeeze
Sometimes you've got to say please
Sometime you've got to say hey
I'm gonna Fuck you softly
I'm gonna screw you gently
I'm gonna hump you sweetly
I'm gonna ball you discreetly
And then you say hey I bought you flowers
And then you say wait a minute sally
I think I got somethin in my teeth
Could you get it out for me
That's fuckin teamwork
Whats your favorite posish?
That's cool with me
Its not my favorite
But I'll do it for you
Whats your favorite dish?
I'm not gonna cook it
But i'll order it from Zanzibar
And then I'm gonna love you completely
And then I'll fuckin fuck you discreetly
And then I'll fucking bone you completely
But then I'm gonna fuck you hard

I bet Tenacious D’s girlfriend has a skip in her step every morning.



asian cymbals said...

Dear ThePeach,

100% AGREED. You are wise in your bitching. The mens are confusing, they make no sense. You are hot and deserve a harem of the manliest mans to give you orgasms.

In the past, I have resorted to begging for the boyfriend sex, which was humiliating and unsatisfying. I have accused said boyfriend of being past his sexual prime, and therefore unable to perform his duties. But to no avail.

When the boyfriend became the fiance, I discovered that I could do without any "throwing down", and would wait until the man was asleep before beginning negotiations with the Boss. The Boss was usually willing to give me what I wanted, and would in turn wake up the man and make him do my bidding. In essence, I was stealing the sex.

But! When the fiance became the hubby, I lost interest in sex with him altogether, and spent my days verbally planning out sexcapades with other people I wanted to nail me. And he panicked.

So now, he worships and oozes with gratitude anytime I come close to touching his cocka, and all is right with the world.

Treat 'em like slaves and they'll behave like slaves.

thepeach said...

Thanks for your wise words, Asian Cymbals. Someone as hot as you should never have to steal the sex. I'm glad you're currently worshipped as you deserve to be.

As an aside, I'd just like to point out that FauxHawk is excellent at the sex (so much for not talking about my sex life on the internet - sorry MedFriends), and that his talents are what drive me to crave it all the time. You can't let someone have a taste of the world's tastiest ice-cream and then serve it to them spoon by spoon. I want a fucking litre of ice-cream every day.

Too much information?


Ready to step in said...

As a card carrying member of the male gender, I wish to revoke the cards of these supposed "men" who are not willing to do The Sex.

Like, really...

For the record, I am familiar with many of our narrator's friends, and am stunned by the indifference of anyone who has their hand stamped for re-entry. That is borderline criminal.

Please forward names and addresses. I will be by to pick up many cards and the twig 'n berries that were supposed to have been issued with them on behalf of the Man Council.

asian cymbals said...

Dear ThePeach and Ready To Step In,

1) I have no doubt that FauxHawk would be a luscious sexual beast. A man needs skillz to be worthy of relationship status with a goddess such as yourself. However, I am confident that you possess similar if not superior sexual skillz (based on the size of your breasts and your smoking hot person), so he should still be made to roll over and beg.

2) Men get cards? How come we don't have cards? We should make cards as well.

3) There is no such thing as too much information, not ever.


move over, fauxhawk said...


If he won't do it, I'll show you what a hottie like yourself deserves to get.

Several (dozen?) times, every day. You won't be able to walk right most mornings, afternoons... hell, you might not even be able to leave the house.

Consider this a standing offer.

thepeach said...

whoa. thanks for the offer, creepy internet man (kidding - please still read my blog), but I'm going to stick with my man. I loves his good sex. I am, however, touched by your generous offer to screw me crippled.

thepilot said...

This is beginning to get a little disturbing.

The Diva said...

TheDiva is shy ....
and right now she's blushing..and a little disturbed...umm..hope your problems rectify themselves?

theHubby said...

Oh wifey, I've been at home in Shitby for 5 days, and reading your blog has made me laugh, and has reminded me that being at home eats my soul. I miss you. Only a few more weeks til CottageDrunk Volume 3. ps...if men had cards I would have lost mine years about the time I started getting invited to girl's weekends :)