Thursday, June 01, 2006

A Solitary Day in the Life of ThePeach

The only problem with living alone and working in an isolated lab is that some days I go entire days without seeing another human being. Sometimes I go days without speaking, except of course when I talk to myself (“dinner, dinner, dinner, what should I make for dinner? Grilled cheese? Again? Why yes, I think I will! I like cheese!”). But then it’s only under my breath, and when I do use my actual voice later on I am surprised and pleased at the sound of it: the talking voice means I am with people.

I never said I wasn’t a loser occasionally.

Although I did have some brief periods of human interaction today, it was a typical solitary day. Sad to me, amusing to you! And because I am a whore for readership, I will recount the events of my day in blog format instead of writing my essay. Also, I am starting to feel threatened by the daily remarks I get from my friends about how I don’t update my blog enough. For instance, a while ago I saw TigerCat sign into msn and, excited at the prospect of interacting with a human, I awkwardly typed a greeting:

ThePeach: Werd up, negro.
TigerCat: What?
ThePeach:…nothing…sometimes I forget how to talk to people…how are you doing?
TigerCat: My sub-letter is a cunt-whore. I want to go watch tv but she’s down there.
ThePeach: Shatty. What is she doing this summer?
TigerCat: Fucking everyone but her boyfriend, dirtying the house up, being a general stupitone, leaving her shoes butt-fuck everywhere…I just kick them down the hall now.
ThePeach: You should live alone, like me. Then the only cunt-whore you’ll have to deal with is yourself. Or better yet, come live WITH me! *thinks: oh god, so alone. So very alone*
TigerCat: Ya…I have to go to University…and work…and the last time we lived together all we did was smoke the pot and eat the pie and lose the jobs and gain the fats.
ThePeach: My god, it was beautiful.
TigerCat: It really, really was. So ya…I don’t know if you’ve realized this, but you haven’t updated your blog since Wednesday.
ThePeach: Ya, I know.
TigerCat: Do you know that it’s now Sunday?
ThePeach: I do.
TigerCat: Ok…just making sure that you know that it’s been 5 days now.
ThePeach: I am aware.
TigerCat: Ok…just making sure.
ThePeach: Ok.
TigerCat: Ok.
*5 minutes elapse*
ThePeach: So, I got a package in the mail yesterday, and I was super excited until I realized that it was from Mom and she sent me a braided pink belt that was on clearance at the Gap.

That hag. I loves her, though. Anyway, here are the events of my solitary day:

7:30am: Kitten licks my eyelids. I swear at kitten and put it on the floor.

7:31am: Kitten walks on my face. I swear at kitten and put it on the floor.

7:32am: Kitten curls up on my neck and I lie perfectly still hoping it will go back to sleep. It does. I, however, am now stuck in this position and want to turn over. I can’t. I am momentarily annoyed, but then – the sweet release of sleep.

8:00am: alarm goes off, which scares Kitten. Kitten expresses fear by biting my arm and then running like a bat out of hell to god knows where. Probably the seventh circle of hell.

8:30am: I actually get out of bed.

8:45am: toast and life-fuel: caffeine. I also use this time to check all 3 of my email accounts to see if anyone loves me. Apparently lots of people love me, but they have names like “PP_ENLRGR”, “WIFE_WANTS_COCK” and “TheBoss” (god how I love waking up to porno spam and frantic requests to pick up my boss’ kid from school that day).

9:00am: Shower. I haven’t figured out how to change the settings on my showerhead in my new apartment yet, and the stream of pressured water that jets out of that fucker can only be described as nipple-chaffingly sharp.

10:00am: Arrive at work. No one is in the office. Thus I can delve into the box of cookies the boss left for us at 10am without feeling shamed.

10:05am-10:30am: Check all 3 email addresses again. Check my blog for comments. Hate my readers for not commenting. Hate myself for not updating in so long that people probably forget to read my blog anymore. Forgive my readers. Forgive myself.

10:30am: Read google news to see if FauxHawk has been eaten by sharks/attacked by locals/mugged by smelly hookers in Guatemala, where he is currently backpacking. I feel immense relief that there are no headlines involving backpacking deaths in Central America. I figure that, in the tragic event that any of these are true, google news will be the first to tell me! But yes, FauxHawk is gone for a month to backpack in Central America. He’s traveling with TOP, which – by the way – stands for TitsofPower. Yes, my bf is traveling with hottest chick I know, but she is also awesome so my only worry is that FauxHawk, after spending so much time with someone so naturally hawt, will come back wondering why I don’t wake up in the morning looking like a chick in a beer commercial instead of a surly bag-lady.

But, I’m slightly less concerned after receiving this email from TOP:

“ well, here we are in flores, guatemala sweating our asses off in a tiny little internet cafe and i can´t decide who smells worse, me or fauxhawk or the spanish guy we saw sleeping on the street (sad to say, it might be me...and the streets here ain´t pretty!)”

11:00am-12:30pm: TheBoss runs into the lab, sees me eating a cookie and grabs my side-fat in jest. I tell him to go fuck himself. In my mind. In reality I smile and ask him how he’s doing:

TheBoss: I’m good, I’m good. Tonight I’m going to put the kids to bed early and finally have a date with my wife.
ThePeach: That’s nice.
TheBoss: Maybe we’ll rent a movie!!!
ThePeach: You should!
TheBoss: And maybe we’ll fuck around for a while!!
TheBoss: I have to run. Oh, and you know those 20 boxes of data in the back room?
TheBoss: go through them and find a form that a girl filled out for a study like 2 years ago I think. I forget her name. And the name of the study. I think her last name might be Thompson. Or Smith. Something like that. And stop eating cookies, you’re going to get fat!!
ThePeach:…why do you buy them for me?
TheBoss: See you latah!!!

I spend the next hour sorting through boxes. I find nothing. To console myself, I eat a cookie – with an eye on the door so that I can hurl it across the room if TheBoss comes back.

12:30-1:30: Lunch! a.k.a leftover rice because I haven’t done groceries in weeks. a.k.a sitting at my desk in silence because – really – where the fuck else would I go to eat? The staff lounge where the old ladies can give me the evil eye and judge me for wearing a tank top instead of support hose and pumps? The benches out back where the sketchy janitors can smoke and spit on me? Fuck that shit! I choose solitude and google news.

1:30-2:00: ??? It’s quite possible that I blacked out from boredom.

2:00: Surprise visit from WeeOne!!!! She brings me an iced beverage from Starbucks, where she works. Tears of gratitude fill my eyes; refreshing caffeinated beverage temporarily fills the void in my life. WeeOne is the hero of the hour.

2:10-3:00: Bitch to everyone I know on msn about how much I hate my job. Do very little work. Tell everyone how much I want to go home. They ask why I don’t go home. I can think of no reason.

3:00: Go home. Clean the kitten’s shitter. Kitten thinks bag of its own shit is hilarious toy/possible snack. Bag of shit goes into outdoor garbage-can, where Kitten can’t eat it. But raccoons/squirrels can. And will.

4:00: Chiropractor appointment. Am glad for the touch of another human, even if it’s just the hands of a francophone chiro on my spine knobbies. 23 Days until FauxHawk gets back from his fucking trip.

4:15: Pleasant surprise! Run into TheNurse in the waiting room on my way out! We are both cripped from our jobs; she from turning fatties over to clean their bedsores, and me from hunching over my keyboard refreshing my email. We walk home together. The whole 1 block.

4:20-5:30: Attempt to write essay. Decide Shakespeare was probably a trannie. Decline to use that as my thesis.

5:30: Dinner! (“dinner, dinner, dinner, what should I make for dinner? Grilled cheese? Again? Why yes, I think I will! I like cheese!”).

6:00-9:00: Work on essay. Call mom to get help with essay. Realize I am smarter than my mom. Hang up. Laugh triumphantly. End up using her idea as my thesis after all. Shake my fist at irony.

9:00: Intense hunger. Almost cry when I think I ran out of microwave popcorn, aka crack for women who live alone. Immense joy and relief when I locate popcorn in another cupboard! Almost cry for real at how sad that little crisis was.

9:00-10:00: I watch “So you think you can dance” on Fox. Laugh out loud at the fatties.

10:00: Sit back down at computer to work on essay. I spend an hour and a half updating my blog instead.

And that is what my days are like when I hardly see another human. Now that I have a cat my metamorphis into a hermit is almost complete. All I need is a tattered housecoat and lady side-burns.

It’s still better than living with TheBitches.



thepilot said...

I humbly submit that in 500 years, a female english student will curse your name after having to write an essay on your collected writings after getting home from work each night and updating her holo-blog for all her friends to read.

Cleavage said...

I have a bathrobe I'm happy to donate to the cause.

Arbitrary Creepy Pun said...

I was ecstatic to find that you had updated in the evening, allowing me to play "insomnia" a little bit longer tonight...

Yet I was then saddened to realize that I blew at least 15 minutes of "fucking the dog" time at work on a Friday.

I confuse myself.

The Diva said...

Umm..I thought I Was the hottest chick you knew? Whatever...i've seen top....she's hot...the bitch.

Arrived safely in lalaland in my sweet ass pad...miss you tons though!
send me your msn. and we'll bitch together....
Love ya
The Diva

asian cymbals said...

I cannot believe TheBoss buys you cookies and then grabs at your non-existent side-fat portions. You are hilarious, and his antics make me gape and laugh while shaking my head.

My boss usually just talks about masturbating in a corner of the office. Or in the washroom. With my Fruits & Passion hand lotion. ie: "Can I use your hand lotion? I have a date with the Palm sisters!"

I also cannot believe you will be going that long without the sex. I can send you asian lesbian touching vibes if you need them. You know. Sexually.

thepeach said...

Dear TheDiva: You're so hot, I thought that stating it would be unnecessary. UniversityTown misses you.

Dear AsianCymbals: send those asian vibes my way!

weeone said...

i swear to you... one of the girls i work with has beard... maybe you can ask her if you want to figure out how to get lady sideburns.
(i truly don't suggest it all)

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