Thursday, June 29, 2006

ThePeach and TigerCat Do Not Enjoy Canada Day

TigerCat is coming to visit me, Universitytown, my new apartment, and my satan-kitty this weekend!! Words cannot describe my excitement.



But I guess they’ll have to.

This weekend also happens to be Canada Day. Unlike most normal Canadians, my sister and I tend not to enjoy July 1st all that much. We usually find it anti-climactic and disappointing - like our birthdays, or Christmas, or sex with strangers.

Maybe it’s because of some of our past Canada Day experiences, or TigerCat’s phobia of fireworks…

July 1st, 1987: Downtown.
Tiger-Peach Mom: Look, girls! Look at the pretty fireworks!
2-year old TigerCat: *blood curdling screams and hysterical sobbing* MY EAWS! DEY HUWT MY EAWS SO BAD! *blood curdling screams*
5-year old Peach: I want a beavertail!!!
Tiger-Peach Mom: You already ate 2. No. You’ll get sick.
5-year old Peach: I HATE YOU!!! WHY DON’T YOU DIE??!!! *hysterical crying*
2-year old TigerCat: *sob* WHYYYYY??? FIWEWORKS SOOOO SCAWWY!! AHHHHH! *pees herself*
5-year old Peach: *throws up on own shirt* I HATE CANADA DAY!!!

July 1st, 1990: Downtown.
Tiger-Peach Mom: Look, girls! Face-painting! Let’s get in line!
Coors-Light (the temporary step-father): I’ll be in the beer tent. I’ll be there all day. Drinking. Don’t look for me until you need me to drive you and your 2 young children home. Drunk.
5-year old TigerCat: It’s hooooot out! I no feel so good! *throws up from heat stroke*
8-year old Peach: I want a beavertail!
*30 minutes of waiting in line later*
Tiger-Peach Mom: Ok, girls! Now you can get your faces painted!
Us: YAYYYY!!!
Face-painter: Sorry girls, we just ran out of face-paint. Would you like a temporary tattoo instead?
8-year old Peach: *sob* YOU RUINED CANADA DAY!!!
5-year old TigerCat: *blood-curdling screams* I WANT MY FACE PAINTED!!!
Tiger-Peach Mom: Come on girls, we can still go watch the fireworks.
5-year old TigerCat: NOOOOOOOOOOO!! GOD NOOOOOOO!!!
8-year old Peach: I HATE CANADA DAY!!!

July 1st, 1994: Downtown.
Tiger-Peach Mom: I’ll be in the beer tent all day with Coors Light. Peach, take care of TigerCat. Hold her hand. TigerCat, hold on to Peach’s hand or I’m making you wear the kiddy-leash.
9-year old TigerCat: Fuck you.
Tiger-Peach Mom: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!!???
9-year old TigerCat: I HATE COORS LIGHT AND I HATE YOU!!!
Tiger-Peach Mom: You’ll feel differently when we get married next month *blissfully unaware of the events that will take place at her wedding: see “I would do anything for love” – January Archives*
CoorsLight: Children, shut-up.
12-year old Peach: Come on Tiger-Cat, let’s go get beavertails.
*in line for beavertails*
12-year old Peach: I hope I have enough baby-sitting money for this.
9-year old TigerCat: *sniffle* There are a lot of bees here. I’m afraid of bees!!!
Beavertail Seller: Sorry little girl, you’re 2 dollars short. I’m afraid I can’t give you this Beavertail.
12-year old Peach: *sob*
9-year old TigerCat: *gets stung by bee*
12-year old Peach: I HATE CANADA DAY!

July 1st, 2001: Home.
Tiger-Peach Mom: *sob* Do you think CoorsLight would take me back?
19-year old Peach: Well, he’s living with the woman he cheated on you with. I’m guessing no. Where’s TigerCat?
Tiger-Peach Mom: *unscrews bottle of anti-depressants* Downstairs, watching tv.
*Peach goes downstairs*
19-year old Peach: Hey man. Where’s your boyfriend? I thought you two were spending Canada Day together?
16-year old TigerCat: We had a fight. Now he’s driving around with his friends shooting pedestrians with paint-guns and I’m stuck down here because if I go upstairs, mom will try to talk to me. Aren’t you supposed to be downtown with that guy you’re sleeping with?
19-year old Peach: He started yelling at me when I told him that I wasn’t going to sleep with him so long as he stayed together with his girlfriend, and I got scared and got out of his car at a red light and took a bus home.
16-year old TigerCat:…Jesus, we suck.
19-year old Peach: *takes remote* I think they’re showing the fireworks on CBC.
16-year old TigerCat: NOOOOOO!! GOD NOOOOOO!!
Tiger-Peach Mom: *sob* Will one of you girls give me a hug? Please?
19-year old Peach: I HATE CANADA DAY!!!

Things started getting better in the last few years, I have to admit that much. Like 2 years ago, when TigerCat spent her summer with me in Universitytown and we got really, really stoned and wandered the downtown:

July 1st, 2004: Universitytown, downtown.
TigerCat: *hysterical laughter*
ThePeach: *hysterical laughter*
TigerCat: I don’t know why I was ever afraid of fireworks. Tonight’s fireworks were so very beautiful and artistic. My eyes, like, gave them a standing ovation. I never felt so good in my life. Fireworks…wow….the beauty of them!!!
ThePeach: Look, I made up a new walk! You have to move to the beat of the music – with your walk!!
TigerCat: What music?
ThePeach: Listen carefully…it’s the music of the night.
TigerCat: I totally hear it now.
ThePeach: Do the walk with me. In unison, we shall walk the walk of music.
*TigerCat and ThePeach move lyrically, gracefully through the downtown park*
TigerCat: Make me a promise now: we never stop doing the walk.
ThePeach: I promise.
TigerCat: Oh my god, look at the wheel-barrow beside that person’s boat!
ThePeach: Get in it! I shall push you through the park to the beat of the music!
*ThePeach pushes TigerCat around in a wheel-barrow*
Boat-owner: HEY! THOSE GIRLS ARE STEALING MY WHEEL-BARROW!
TigerCat/ThePeach: RRRRRUUUUUUNNNN!!!

And we did run. We ran all the way to Tim Hortons, where we ordered a dozen donuts and ate them all. Apparently, TigerCat and I are only able to enjoy Canada Day when we’re drunk or high or both. That shouldn’t be a problem this weekend, as our plans are to sit on a patio drinking margaritas until it’s time to get high and watch the fireworks. Too bad they don’t have beavertails in fucking Universitytown.

I HATE CANADA DAY!!!

ThePeach

5 comments:

Tigercat said...

jesus our lives are depressing. i totally forgot about the canada day when i was 16 and you were 19. thanks for the memories *sob*. this year will be awesome tho ... fajitas, margaritas, and con queso! where can you go wrong? unless it rains or there are bees or i get heat stroke and puke on myself.

tigercat

p.s peach do you have the pots? i can't enjoy those fucking loud fireworks without it?

p.p.s i am not a pot head

The Diva said...

for the record..there are beavertails in university town
email me for directions
the diva

Dani said...

But there ARE beavertails!! At that rinky-dink ice cream shop which is not the popular one but right NEXT to the popular one next to where the person who has custody of Potter used to work. You know, that place.
Is it still even open?

The Peach said...

sweet merciful jesus. It shall be the best canada day ever!

Not that it's hard to top my last few...

But still! Pots + beavertails = ???!!!

It will be a flavour symphony for the mouth.

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