Thursday, July 06, 2006

I Ain't Saying She a Gold-Digger (a.ka. ThePeach has the Rambles)

This is just going to be a quick one, as I am

a) trying to read "Much Ado About Nothing" for my english class, and the play is the most long-winded and verbose literary soap-opera I have ever forced into my brain. My brain is currently screaming "YOU WHORE!!! I HATE YOU!!! YOU PICKLED ME IN ALCOHOL FOR THE ENTIRE LONG WEEKEND AND NOW YOU EXPECT ME TO DECIPHER THIS BULLSHIT?! FUCK YOU, LADY!! I'M SO GOING TO PICTURE YOUR MOM NAKED RIGHT NOW JUST TO FUCK YOU UP!! HA! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT!?? TRY HAVING SEX NOW, BITCH!

b) exhausted from the intense Yoga class I went to tonight with TheHippie. We've expanded our repetoire of lesbian activities from singing, canoeing, and theatre-going to include sweating in a room full of hippies as we contort ourselves and listen to cds of monks ringing bells.

c) scared from the last Lost episode I just downloaded and watched. That shit is fucked up. I'm on season 2 episode 19, and anyone who attempts to spoil this for me will be severely beaten in the mouth and anus.

d) worried about the kitten. I left him alone overnight for the very first time last night to go sleep at FauxHawk's. The Hawk has been sleeping at my place since I adopted the little terror, but he started his residency (a.k.a. same shit, new ID tag) this week and needs to be up nice and early so he can go poke around in gyna all day. So, making the difficult decision that Milo was big enough to be left alone overnight, I spent the night at chez Hawk to perform my girlfriend duties. I arrived home this morning to the pleasant sight of Milo attempting to eat one of two piles of his own vomit. The vet said that Milo is probably fine and that sometime kittens just get sick, but in my guilt-stricken state I am positive that the kitten is slowly dying from the shock and loneliness of being left alone. I am a bad kitten-mommy. FauxHawk might break up with me for saying the word "mommy".

e) feeling guilty about skipping work today and should probably go to sleep soon so that I make it in before 11am tomorrow. TheBoss is at a conference. I am a whore.

f) feeling guilty about skipping work today and using my found time to watch Lost and sleep instead of reading "Much Ado About Nothing" like I had planned. Lost is taking over my fucking life. I want to bite Sawyer in his pretty little face. And let him do me. While Jack watches, crying. I hate Jack. I find him condescending and cocky. It's probably not a coincidence that he's a doctor. It's probably also not a coincidence that Jack is FauxHawk's favourite character. Fecking doctors.

g) pretty tired from my night of lying next to Parky McTwitch and his jimmy-legs.

So I guess I'll get right to my point.

I am a master pimp. Move over, Yentyl - there's a new match-maker in town and, due to a lack of shame or soul, she's not afraid to p-i-m-p her own baby sister's booty. That's right, I got TigerCat laid this weekend. And I also got my friend laid(you may recall me mentioning the medium-sized midget, which in hindsight was a slight exaggeration...we shall call him CockDoc from now on). I got 2 great people laid and all it took was a day of drinking, smoking the pot, a gentle shove on my part ("dude, my sister totally wants to bang you") and an awkward 2 hours where FauxHawk and I sat in CockDoc's living room - high as kites - trying to formulate a stealth plan for exiting the apartment without interrupting their sex. I think we finally decided on leaving a note and running like hell.

Now TigerCat can know the joy of banging a doctor, which she already got a taste of when she had to leave his apartment first thing in the morning so he could get to the hospital. To look at cocks.

Our mom would be so proud! If there's anything she taught us, it's find the men with money and rope 'em in and eat their souls!!

I mean...I love you, FauxHawk.


ps - that last comment about our mom may have also been a slight exaggeration. Our mother certainly does eat her ex-husband's souls like fruitloops in the morning(point in case: it has been 20 years since she divorced my dad, and he still avoids women for fear of fire shooting out of their eyes), but she is not a gold-digger. CoorsLight actually stole money from us. And our grandparents.

pps - this was not the short blog I had hoped it would be.


Tigercat said...

aww how sentimental haha. and for the record he didn't kick me out of bed in the morning, he let me stay. so in your face peach, in your face! hahaha

but yes, thanks for letting the world (or your readers) know about my sex life. i am sure everyone is thrilled to hear of your pimping skills haha. but thanks for doing it, thats what sister are for ... i guess?


thehippie said...

my ass and thigh muscles are in extreme pain. i can no longer bend over, walk up stairs, or sit down. this is sadly from yogahell rather than being pimped out.

The Diva said...

way to go tigercat dig his gold..and i'll have to kick your ass (sorry...fiercely protective of the cock doc)
but i still want to go drinking with you
the diva

Tigercat said...

no worries ... his money is safe. I am not now and have never been a gold digger, haha. No ass kicking neccessary.
Next time I am in university town I will take you up on that drinking offer.


The Diva said...

oh tigercat...hasn't the peach told you?

i have since moved to lala land (aka the home of your mommy)
so whenever you're in town...
we's goin' out!!
the diva