Wednesday, July 26, 2006

The Shower-Head Chronicles



To all the like-minded pervos out there, I am referring to this kind of shower-head:

Get your minds of the gutter, bitches! Or don’t, like I’ll judge you. I live in the gutter. I drink the gutter water and roll around in the slime. Sensually.

So anyway, some of you might remember the shower-head that I mentioned in a post a few months ago. When I moved into my new apartment, it took a while to get used to my new shower-head, which I believe I described as “nipple-chaffingly sharp”. The water that shot out of that fucker could shear the skin off a rhino. But I guess I got used to it and didn’t give it any thought…until a few weeks ago.

When TigerCat came to visit me for Canada Day (and I use the term “visit me” in the loosest sense, since she spent every night getting it on with CockDoc. Except for the night where we stayed in to eat chips and play Sex and the City charades…wait, I don’t think I was supposed to tell people about that), she started dropping subtle hints that my showerhead might function more as a medieval torture device than an instrument of cleanliness:

TigerCat: get a new shower-head, you lazy whore.

Whatever. During that same weekend, FauxHawk’s water got turned off for a day, and he panicked at the thought of not being able to carefully sculpt a fresh ‘hawk for his night out, so I let him use my shower. Which was…special.

FauxHawk: Do you have a loofah I can use?
ThePeach: No, I am not a homosexual male.
FauxHawk: But how do you work up a soapy lather??
ThePeach: With my hands, like the pioneers used to.
FauxHawk: That’s not going to work for me.
ThePeach:…I might have a face-cloth you can use.
FauxHawk: *sigh*…I suppose that will do.

And then, after he worked up his mediocre lather with my face-cloth:

FauxHawk: get a new shower-head, you lazy whore.

Whatever. Later that weekend, FauxHawk and TigerCat ganged up on me over beer and the mature and orderly sharing of deep-fried delights at the local pub:

FauxHawk: You should really buy a new shower-head.
ThePeach: It’s fine. DON’T TOUCH THAT QUESADILLA, IT”S MINE!!!
TigerCat: It’s not fine…it hurts. How do you shower every day?
ThePeach: You guys are just wimps. That, and I got used to covering my nipples with my hands and letting the water lather the soap for me. STOP HOGGING THE SALSA!!!
FauxHawk: You can’t go on like that. You need a new shower-head. THAT CARROT IS MINE, BITCH!
ThePeach: No one wants your fucking carrot, manorexia.
TigerCat: Please just buy a new shower-head.
ThePeach: Fine…I’ll do it eventually. *slaps the hand of the person trying to pick up the last nacho*
FauxHawk: Oh god, is this going to be another one of those situations where I have to force you to do it because you never will? Like getting your driver’s license or taking your calcium supplements? Um, can you try not to mix any of the sour cream in with the salsa?
ThePeach: Probably. *slops sour cream into the salsa; 50% out of spite, 50% out of being useless*
TigerCat: Just get a new shower-head, you whore.
FauxHawk: *looks pitifully at the soupy sour-cream/salsa mix, which he will now refuse to touch*
ThePeach: LAY OFF THE WINGS, BITCHES!!

I did not buy a new shower-head. Mine still worked, and I had gotten quite adept at showering without letting the streams of water anywhere near my nipples or eyeballs. But, a few weeks later, FauxHawk ambushed me.

ThePeach: YAY! I’m so excited that you decided to take me to the mall!
FauxHawk: Yes, as am I.
ThePeach: Let’s go to the pet store and hold the kittens!!
FauxHawk: Sure.
ThePeach: And let’s go to the ice cream shop!!
FauxHawk: Sure. Oh, and we’re going to Zellers so you can buy a new shower-head.
ThePeach: Bitch.

Well, I let FauxHawk carefully choose a new shower-head for me and I dutifully purchased it, took it home, attempted to read the instructions, then left the new showerhead sitting on my microwave for a week and eventually threw out the instructions.

TigerCat messaged me on MSN one night that week:

TigerCat: I got you a house-warming present!
ThePeach: YAY!!!
TigerCat: It’s a new shower-head!
ThePeach:…You’re too late, FauxHawk already made me buy one.
TigerCat: Shit. Oh well, how is it?
ThePeach: I don’t know, I haven’t installed it.
TigerCat: Did you just buy it?
ThePeach: Ya, a week ago.
TigerCat:…what is wrong with you?
ThePeach: Bitch.

Well, TigerCat came to visit me that weekend, and I let her install the shower-head for me. She’s my Mr. Fix-It. With boobs. Of course, the kitten was so excited by the action that he decided to help, too.

TigerCat: And now we just need to turn on the water to test it out.
Milo: I HEAR NOISE!!! *dive bombs into bath-tub*

Milo got shot with a stream of cold water, slid around in the tub trying to claw his way back out, and then shot out of the bathroom and ran around the apartment like a demon in hell, leaving little muddy paw-prints in his trail.

ThePeach: Well…that was unfortunate.
TigerCat: Hilariously unfortunate!
ThePeach: Yes.

Well, the new shower-head was…PURE ASS. Every shower was like standing under a trickle of luke-warm urine. I couldn’t even get all of my hair wet. Shaving became out of the question, and it became obvious that I would never know the sensation of being fully saturated again. TigerCat hated the shower-head too. I decided to call in the big guns, and asked FauxHawk to take a look at it.

FauxHawk: Ok, where are the instructions?
ThePeach: I threw them out.
FauxHawk: Well, maybe it’s a problem with the water pressure and not the shower-head. Where’s your old shower-head?
ThePeach: I threw it out.
FauxHawk: Ok, well maybe you should just return this shower-head and buy a new one. Where’s the packaging and the receipt?
ThePeach: I threw them out.
FauxHawk: You suck so much.
ThePeach: YOU RUINED MY SHOWER AND MY LIFE!!!

I spent the next week blaming FauxHawk for making me buy a new shower-head and taking horribly unsatisfying showers.

After 7 more warm-urine showers, I finally stopped having a temper-tantrum and asked him to drive me to Canadian Tire to purchase a new shower-head. He installed it for me, despite the fact that I accidentally cut the instructions into shreds when I ripped open the packaging. I do suck.

FauxHawk: and now we just need to turn on the water to test it out.
Milo: I HEAR NOISE!!! *dive bombs into bath-tub*

Poor little mentally challenged kitty.

But people, the new shower-head is BEAUTIFUL! Every shower is like a hug from jesus. If jesus didn’t hate me for dating a Jew and being a general sinner. I have finally found the perfect balance between darting between the razor-spikes of water that threaten to make me lose an eye, and walking around all day with conditioner still in my hair and a layer of soap-film sitting on my barely-saturated skin.

FauxHawk: You should probably keep that last shower-head just in case you ever need it.
ThePeach: I threw it out.

I refuse to learn from my mistakes. Just like Milo.

ThePeach

2 comments:

Tigercat said...

You weren't suppose to tell anyone about our charades night! How embarassing ... oh well at least I didn't suck like you did "fist face! FIST FACE!"
I am excited to try out the new shower. Huzzah for no longer having to dry shave! And huzzah to slower than average kittens!

Tigercat

thepilot said...

This post was bloggy perfection.