Thursday, August 17, 2006

ThePeach and TheBoss Go For A Drive

TheBoss has been on vacation for the past 3 weeks or so, which has been fantastic for me and my work ethics. I could leave early if it was sunny out, I could not come in at all if I was hungover or tired, I could dick around all day…so, basically I could do what I always do, but without that pestering sense of guilt.

Also, I could eat whatever the hells I wanted without TheBoss calling me fatty-fat-fat or poking me in the hips. It was beautiful.

But all good things must end, especially when your name is ThePeach.

TheBoss came back to work this week but, except for a few manic meetings which consisted of him pacing my office and throwing around curses like they were going out of style, I haven’t had any memorable Boss encounters. Until today, that is. I’ll try to remember as much as I can as vividly as I can muster, but this whole day was such a whirlwind of mania and fat-comments that I might not be able to do it justice. But, just like taking that first sip of vodka in the morning, it needs to be done.

We had a presentation to go to this afternoon, and TheBoss decided that we should buy some refreshments for it. He sprinted into my office 10 minutes before the presentation was scheduled to start…

TheBoss: PEACH!!! WANNA COME BUY DONUTS WITH ME???!!!
ThePeach: Sure.
TheBoss: Ok, let’s go Fatty!!
ThePeach: Excuse me??
TheBoss: MOVE THOSE LEGS!!!

It had begun.

He sprinted to his car and I scurried along behind him, visualizing how easy it would be to kick him in the back of the knees (CHICKEN LEGS!) and watch him sprawl onto the street. I restrained myself. We got into his car…

ThePeach: *mustering all her courage* I’m not fat, you know.
TheBoss: Sure, Fatty!! I saw you jump in excitement when I said the word “donut”!
ThePeach: Actually, I was just excited at the prospect of leaving the dank, non-circulated, window-less office before I hung myself from the flickering fluorescent lights with a computer cord.
TheBoss: What?
ThePeach: I said “Yay, Donuts!”
TheBoss: FATTY!!!

We pulled out of the parking lot and almost hit a Chinese girl who was crossing the street, and as we passed her TheBoss stuck his head out of the window and shouted “MOVE IT!! YOU’RE NOT IN THE HOMELAND ANYMORE!!”.

1 Human Rights Violation.

We whizzed past the main street and passed a bunch of trendy restaurants and bars.

TheBoss: Isn’t this the area where all those little hotties stand outside the restaurants holding menus to entice the men to go in?
ThePeach: I guess so.
TheBoss: Oh man, one time my buddy and I were so drunk that we started hitting on those girls and heckling them, and they didn’t know what hit them!!!!
ThePeach: Was it your batman-underwear?
TheBoss: *looks out window* Whores!

2 Human Rights Violations.

We pulled into the TimHos drive-through and TheBoss proceeded to heckle the poor toothless crack-whore (I’m just assuming) on the other side of the intercom. After he finally ordered a dozen donuts and a bran muffin for himself, (“I’M GOING TO SHIT LIKE CRAZY LATER!!) we pulled up to pay.

TheBoss: Oh man, what are they going to think when they see me with a young girl like you?
ThePeach: I’m not too sure.
TheBoss: I’M DA PIMP AND YOU DA HO!!

3 Human Rights Violations

As he was waiting for his change…

TheBoss: I think I need a new signature in my emails.
ThePeach: “Best wishes” was pretty good.
TheBoss: What do you think of “Peace Out”?
ThePeach: Oh god, no.
TheBoss: PEEAAACCCCCEEEE OOOOOUUUUUTTTTT *waves fingers in a west-side symbol*
ThePeach: *cradles head in hands*
TheBoss: Did I do the finger-symbol right?
ThePeach: I’m not sure.
TheBoss: Ya, I guess you’d need to be Black.

4 Human Rights Violations.

As we were driving back, TheBoss told me to open up the box of donuts and get us each one. Just as I bit into my double-chocolate…

TheBoss: So, are you, like, trying to fight genetics or something?
ThePeach: *mouth-full of chocolately goodness* Huh?
TheBoss: Are your parents fat? Are you trying to fight the fat gene?
ThePeach: What, do I look like I could explode into fattiness any minute or something???!!
TheBoss:…no…I’m just asking.
ThePeach: *fills the void in her soul with fat-on-fat double-chocolate love*

After we parked, we sprinted back to the doors of the building, me holding the box of donuts and the 6 drinks TheBoss purchased, TheBoss holding the receipt. Bastard.

ThePeach: *final muster of courage* Seriously, I am not fat.
TheBoss: Whatevah!!
ThePeach: YOU ARE GIVING ME A COMPLEX!
TheBoss: I’m kidding!!! You’re not fat!! YOU’RE HOT!!!!
ThePeach: Oh…god…no.
TheBoss: YOU ARE!!!
ThePeach: *shudder*

5 Human Rights Violations.

And all this happened in under 10 minutes. There should be a world record for the most human rights violations in the shortest amount of time, and TheBoss would come in second. Because my blog would come in first, and then Amnesty International would have me executed. If they ever found me, bitches!!!

I ate 2 more donuts at the meeting. Fuck y’all.

ThePeach

3 comments:

batman said...

mmmmm donuts.

why can't a girl eat three donuts or an entire mccain deep and delicious cake without being called fat? mmmmmm cake.

but seriously, there will always be someone who is fatter than you and someone who is skinnier, that's just the way it works... unless you hold the guiness record for fatness or skinniness i suppose.

Tigercat said...

A girl's got a right to pastry! I am lucky to work in catering where it is encouraged to eat. I mean how am I to know if the guests are going to enjoy it without a little taste first? Peach, you really need to rethink your choice of industry.
And as for those girls who stand outside of restaurants holding menus .. that was me 2 summers ago! Well it was me for the 2 days I worked a week, if that. haha I don't remember ever having an encounter with the boss, but had I am sure I would have put it out of my mind. He is wrong. And gross.

Tigercat

Billy said...

first sip of vodka in the morning is always the best one...