Tuesday, August 29, 2006

ThePeach Bids Farewell to TheNurse; Tap-Dances Awkwardly in the Street

I’m feeling very sad today. My oldest Universitytown friend, who you all know as TheNurse, has moved away from Universitytown forever. She’s moving on to greener, less-pretentious and less ugg-filled pastures. Greener pastures filled with sheep and the robust sheep-herders who make tender love to them on the rolling hills. Yes, TheNurse has moved to New Zealand to try out her nursing skills and bring out the rummy on a new continent. She couldn’t have moved any further away unless she decided to go live for a year in the seventh circle of hell. And I’d still check for seat sales.

(I just got the teary eyes again…man I am one lame motherfucker).

I have never lived in Universitytown without TheNurse, and I have to say that I’m not sure how to go about it. Who will stop my impulsive shopping habits?

ThePeach: I shall now purchase $300 worth of cosmetics because the advertisement told me to.
TheNurse: *slap*

Who will control my relationship crazies?

ThePeach: Do you think FauxHawk actually loves me, or do you think he just pretends and he actually thinks I’m fat and slovenly?
TheNurse: *slap*

Who will control my fat crazies?

ThePeach: Did I gain 25 pounds in the last week? Because these jeans feel a little tight.
TheNurse: *slap*

Who will control my general crazies?

ThePeach: I’m feeling glum…I think I’m going to go on a liquid diet, get 1 or 2 more kittens so Milo can have some buddies, max out my MasterCard on designer lip glosses, quit my job, and tell FauxHawk that I’m not good enough for him.
TheNurse: *slap-slap*…*slap*
ThePeach: Thank-you. Let’s get drunk, Rummy!!

TheNurse keeps me in line. She also keeps me in booze, which is of equal, if not greater importance. Every Wednesday she convinces me to get liqued up and go tramping at the local dance-club. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing the next day, we have to go ho it up every Wednesday night.

ThePeach: I don’t know if I wanna go tonight…I have to be at work the next morning.
TheNurse: Please, you won’t go to work.
ThePeach: I might.
TheNurse: But you won’t.
ThePeach: But I like to pretend I might. It makes me feel industrious.
TheNurse: Have a shot of schnapps and put on your tube-top, bitch!
ThePeach: It’s already on and I’m already drunk!!
TheNurse: Do we really have to go through this every Wednesday?

It’s the end of an era now. 5 years of living with or directly beside TheNurse have come to an end. We didn’t know what to do with ourselves last night, so we watched a dvd. We chose “Elizabethtown”. It might be the worst movie ever made, which is surprising considering it had a fairly stacked cast. But it was contrived, full of cliches, and hit rock bottom when Susan Sarandon broke into a slow tap-dance to “Moon River” at her husband’s memorial service.

The TheNurse dropped me off for the last time and we said our awkward good-byes. She cried, I cried. She laughed, I laughed. She cried more, I cried more. We’re not so good at the good-byes:

ThePeach: *sob* I guess we should hug or something?
TheNurse: *sob* At this point we should probably just make out.
ThePeach: *sob* I’m good with a hug. But I’m going to smell your hair a little.
TheNurse: *sob* I’m going to rub your back a little.
ThePeach: *sob* It’s ok to like it.

Then there was some more crying and hugging. Then, because we’re awkward, awkward people – we decided to pull a Sarandon and tap-dance in the street. Slowly. Mournfully. At night.

I’m not joking.

ThePeach: *tap-dance, cry* I’m expressing my sadness through dance.
TheNurse: *tap-dance, cry* I feel like it should be raining and we should be doing this in front of the headlights of the car.
ThePeach: *tap-dance, cry* Now watch my twirl.
TheNurse: *tap-dance, cry* Now watch my time-step.
ThePeach: *tap-dance, cry* *sings* Moon river….
TheNurse: *tap-dance, cry* Is anyone watching us, do you think?
ThePeach: *tap-dance, cry* Probably. We’re not exactly being inconspicuous.
TheNurse: *tap-dance, cry* *sings* Two drifters…

And that’s how you say goodbye to your oldest Universitytown friend, fake boyfriend, actual lover (no…wait...that was supposed to be a “in my mind” thought), and replacement mother.

In honour of TheNurse, I would now like to express my feelings through the vocal stylings of Sir Mix-A-Lot:

I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get wit'cha
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But with that butt you got makes me feel so horny
Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin
You say you wanna get in my Benz?
Well, use me, use me'
Cause you ain't that average groupy
I've seen them dancin'
The hell with romancin'
She's sweat, wet,
Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette
I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' flat butts are the thing
Take the average black man and ask him that
She gotta pack much back
So, fellas! (Yeah!)
Fellas! (Yeah!)
Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)
Shake that healthy butt!
Baby got back!

I won’t be the same ho without you, Rummy!!!

Bitch better write…



Tigercat said...

Bye bye Nurse! University town will not be the same without you! I guess I have to step up and keep my sister in order now. Will you teach me your slap technique? haha


TheNurse said...

Tigercat, I wish I could teach you the slap technique but in my experience it really doesn't work anyway. I could slap the peach silly but she would still go buy that eye shadow the next day and just not show me for 3 months then claim she got it on sale. I miss that whore already! Love you peach!

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