Wednesday, August 02, 2006

ThePeach Has a Relatively Normal Week

Ola, bitches. Yes, I am aware that it has been 7 days since my last update. Shut your whine-traps. We are having a mother-fucking heat wave. HEAT WAVE. It’s hard to be witty and creative when you’re sweating like a whore in church. And your pants stick to your sweaty, sweaty thighs. So you don’t wear pants. Which seems like a brilliant plan until it’s time to leave the house. Short-shorts? Out of the question for anyone whose daily food intake consists of more than a shot of caffeine and a nostril full of blow: I am hot. Society has deemed my size 6 frame too fatty-fat for slut-wear. I am miserable and sweaty and HOT. And concerned that global warming means the end of the world and that we’re all going to die. And I don’t want the last thing I do on earth to be entering motherfucking data for TheBoss so that he can get a raise. But on the other hand, I don’t want to be one of the people that happens to be underground or something when the world explodes and by some freak of coincidence happens to survive and has to start the world from scratch. I don’t want to have to live in some tent made out of dog-hide and tell my army of mutants to find a way to re-invent the internet so that I can have something to fucking do. It’s too much responsibility. So, ya – I’ve had a lot on my mind.

Here’s your update anyway, you sexy whores. One humorous tidbit from my week for every day that I didn’t update:

1. I went to a traditional Vietnamese wedding this past weekend. FauxHawk’s friend is Vietnamese and I was invited to the wedding. Actually, my name was on the invitation, which I am sure caused FauxHawk to shit his pants and run outside to wink at anything with tits just to prove to himself that he still has it. Don’t worry, FauxHawk – you still have it. Anyway, the wedding was obviously full of Vietnamese people, and I was the tallest and fattest woman there. In fact, I think that, if it weren’t a human rights violation to do this, I could tie 5 Vietnamese women together and then they would be the same size as me. 1 woman for each leg, 1 for the torso, and 1 for each arm. I would call her “Pho”, which is the only Vietnamese word I know and also my favourite noodle dish! Pho and I would get along just fine. But, as it stands, I do not like teeny Vietnamese women on their own. Anyone who makes me look bad goes on my black-list. This is also why I hate beautiful people, brilliant people, and successful people. Fuck ‘em all!

2. When I got back from the wedding weekend, I went out for dinner with TheNurse, TheHippie, WeeOne, and TheHubby. TheHubby and I shared a cheese appetizer that made my stomach orgasm in happiness and my thighs scream in anger. I’ll let them work that out on their own. TheHubby had to get back to white-ville that night, so us ladies decided to have a chill girl’s night in to watch tv. This of course led to the smoking of much pot and the drinking of much wine, which of course led to my philosophical contemplation of why clothing exists. Why do we cover ourselves up so elaborately? We’re really just animals, you know. We eat grass and give birth in fields.

3. TheHippie saw Aunt Hettie at the A&P!! Celebrity sighting in Universitytown! Aunt Hettie likes over-priced groceries, too!



4. My kitten is officially a little man. I have this stuffed cat named Fluffer which I have had since I was 4 (TheNurse: “HAHAHA HIS NAME IS FLUFFER??!”). Fluffer stays in my bedroom. Milo likes to fight Fluffer, which I think is fucking adorable/hilarious. He’ll make his little kitty growl, shake his ass in anticipation, pounce on Fluffer, and bat him like crazy with his back legs while he tries to tear his head off. Adorable. Milo will also use his teeth to pick Fluffer up by his head and drag him around the apartment. Adorable. I’ll often get home from work and find Fluffer lying in the middle of my living room with a proud Milo standing beside it, and I’ll congratulate my little guy on having such a good fight. Adorable. The other day, Milo was once again attacking Fluffer…but something was different. He was purring. He was still biting Fluffer’s head, but instead of using his back legs to tear the shit out of it, he was…mounting Fluffer from behind. Then Milo’s tooth-pick of a kitten penis came out. Then there was the realization that OH GOD, my kitten is trying to make rough yet tender kitten love to my stuffed cat. Not adorable, but instead quite scarring. Fluffer is now dead to me. DEAD! If there is a god, he’s hilarious. On a bright note, Milo gets his balls chopped off in a month.

5. Asian Cymbals added me to msn!! I feel 100% cooler and think that my life is about to take a turn for the hilarious. It’s like in grade 6, when the coolest girl in class asks you to join her Beverly Hills 90210 club and you practically piss yourself with excitement. You have to be “Donna”, but it’s still pretty awesome.

6. I had the following e-mail exchange with TheBoss:

From: ThePeach
To: TheBoss
Subject: Data

Hi Boss,

Here is the updated dataset, with 350 surveys entered.

ThePeach

From: TheBoss
To: ThePeach
Subject: re: Data

Peach,

You a robot. Luv that.

Best wishes,

TheBoss.

7. I stayed with my Dad for a night while FauxHawk and I were out of town for the wedding. He still thinks I’m 6, so he served me my dinner on a purple huffalumps tray as usual. He pre-cut my microwave lasagna. He hovered over me while I ate in case I choked. Dessert consisted of pie and ice cream. Then he made me popcorn and gave me a chocolate bar. I like being 6. Then I was shocked back to the present when my dad flipped the tv to “Family Guy” and started giggling like a school-girl in a scene where Stewie and Brian get high.

Peach-Dad: HEHEHEHE Oh man, they’re so stoned! HAHA oh man, I get just like that!!

ThePeach: *whimper*

Alright – 7 days where I didn’t blog, 7 amusing tidbits from my week.

Now I can get back to lying around in no pants.

ThePeach

4 comments:

asian cymbals said...

Jesus, I cannot wait for my friends to read this post, I'm now a total celebrity. Thank you, Peach!

Hey friends! Look how cool I am!!

It's true, I just msned you with this exact same message. But knowing how you lurve the comments, I thought I would post it here as well, e-vag stroking and all that.

Stroke stroke. Moan.

The Peach said...

I love a good stroke.

The Nurse said...

Haha fluffer, the reason it was so funny is the fact that you hid that name from me for 5 years and only told me accidentally.

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