Friday, August 11, 2006

ThePeach is Afraid of Sleep

You might not expect this from me, but I’m afraid of a lot of things. And not just the possibility of turning into my Mom, but stupid child-like things. Like the dark. And burglars. And aliens. And never figuring out what I want to do with my life, working this crap soul-sucking job forever, never going to grad school, being a failure, disappointing my family, turning to the pipe for solace, and becoming a toothless street-scrag who gives hand-jobs for smack.

And sleep. I am afraid of sleep. In fact, that is why I am updating my blog at 2am. Because I am afraid to go to sleep.

You might ask how one might become afraid of sleep. You might think it silly to be afraid. You might think it odd to be scared by something as abstract as sleep. You might want to shut the hell up and try growing up in my house, motherfuckers! Sleep? Beer? Red-heads? Christmas? Meatloaf songs? ALL FUCKED. ALL PHOBIAS.

Let us begin.

My fucked-upedness can be explained, as per usual, by the actions of my mother as I was growing up. My mom was a nervous sleeper who suffered from night terrors and a bad case of the crazies. Not only would she randomly wake up screaming at intermittent points throughout the night, but she would wake up screaming anytime anyone woke her up. This proved to be completely fucking traumatizing for TigerCat and myself.

Mother’s Day Morning: 1989

7 year-old Peach: *holding a tray of breakfast* Mommy is going to love our special mommy’s day pancakes!
4 year-old TigerCat: I can’t wait to give hew this plastew mold of my hands I made in kindewgawden!!
7 year-old Peach: I can’t wait to give her the flowers I made out of pipe-cleaners and tissue paper!
CoorsLight: Children, shut up.
4 year-old TigerCat: This is going to be the best mommy’s day evew!!
7 year-old Peach: Ok, go open Mommy’s door while I hold her pancakes!
*TigerCat opens bedroom door*
7 year-old Peach: *whispers* 1…2…3…
7 year-old Peach: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
4 year-old TigerCat: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!
7 year-old Peach: *drops tray* AHHHHHH!!!!!
4 year-old TigerCat: *wets pants* AHHHHH!!!!
Peach/Tiger Mom: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH*cough*good morning my angels!!
7 year-old Peach: *sob*
4 year-old TigerCat: *sob*
Peach/Tiger Mom: Wow! You made pancakes all by yourself just for me!
7 year-old Peach: They’re on the floor! They’re ruined!
Peach/Tiger Mom: I’ll still eat them!

Any guesses as to why I now hate mother’s day?

Let’s move on to Christmas.

Christmas Morning: 1991

6 year-old TigerCat: Peach, Santa came! Santa came!! CoorsLight was wrong, we WERE good!
9 year-old Peach: I hope he brought me a Polly Pocket!!! And a skip-it!!
6 year-old TigerCat: Let’s go wake up Mommy so we can open our presents!!
9 year-old Peach: This is going to be the best Christmas ever!!
*opens bedroom door*
9 year-old Peach: AHHHHHH!!!!!
6 year-old TigerCat: AHHHHH!!!!
Peach/Tiger Mom: AHHHHHHHHHH*cough*Merry Christmas, my loves!!
9 year-old Peach: *sob*
6 year-old TigerCat: *sob*
CoorsLight: I need a beer.
Peach/Tiger Mom: Let’s go see what Santa brought you for being so good!

As we grew older, we learned to stop attempting to wake our mother up. Yet, we still happened upon many situations in which we had no choice. As we became teenagers and started staying out late to get to 3rd base in the back of our boyfriend’s cars, our Mother had a rule that we had to let her know when we got home no matter what time it was. Even if she was asleep.

The hallway at 1am: 1999

17 year-old Peach: My boyfriend told me he loved me so I let him take my bra off!
14 year-old TigerCat: I just got to 3rd with someone’s boyfriend.
17 year-old Peach: what??
14 year-old TigerCat: If any angry chicks come here looking for me tomorrow, I’m not home.
17 year-old Peach: Jesus.
14 year-old TigerCat: Wow, I am HIGH.
17 year-old Peach: Drugs are bad. Anyway, we better let mom know we’re home…
14 year-old TigerCat: Seriously, I am like totally reading your mind right now. That is CRAZY!!
17 year-old Peach: Let’s go…
*opens bedroom door*
Both: *whisper* Hi Mom.
17 year-old Peach: AHHHHHH!!!
14 year-old TigerCat: AHHHHH!!!
Peach/Tiger Mom: AHHHHHHHH*cough*Hi Girls, did you have a nice night?
17 year-old Peach: *sob*…y-y-yes.
14 year-old TigerCat: AHHHHHHH!!!
Peach/Tiger Mom: That’s nice. Goodnight!
17 year-old Peach: LIKE I CAN SLEEP NOW!!!
14 year-old TigerCat: AHHHHHH!!! I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE SCARED AND ooh I’m going to heat up a burrito.

And this is why I am afraid of sleep. I am afraid of people who are sleeping, I am afraid of going to sleep, I am afraid of the state of sleep itself. I am afraid that sleep turns people into homicidal psychopaths who want to hurt me. I am afraid that my own unconscious mind will concoct various terrifying dream sequences and visions while I slumber. I am afraid that I will wake up and not know where I am. I have nightmares almost every night, and oddly disturbing dreams the rest of the time. My only solace is sharing a bed with someone, and even then I put off going to sleep for as long as possible by babbling about random shit into the wee hours of the morning. Just ask poor FauxHawk, who gets to hear my philosophical mind-rambles each night:

ThePeach: You know, I really think that Alanna on “Canada’s Next Top Model” should have won. Andrea is such an anorexic whore.
FauxHawk: You do realize I have to be in surgery in 4 hours?
ThePeach: I guess I am getting sleepy…
FauxHawk: That gravol I slipped you must be working.
ThePeach: What?
FauxHawk: I love you! Sweet Dreams!

MY ASS. I think that night I dreamt that I was forced to join a roaming gang of criminals and my initiation was to kill a puppy with my bare hands. It was pretty average.




Billy said...

I can't be bothered to look back through your archives to make this comment appropriate, but I thought it was worth noting that I have nothing but sauces in my fridge right now.

Billy said...

PS: And I'm not planning to go shopping any time soon.

The Hubby said...

Hey Wifey!!! If it makes you feel any better I'm home alone this weekend, and although I am 24 and have lived in this house forever, I am afraid to sleep. I slept with every light in the house on. God knows what I'm afraid of...our neighbours have better shit to steal than we do, and there are better looking people for pervs to go after, but still...I miss you and I feel your pain. God I'm pathetic!

the hippie said...

yesterday i had a dream while napping that i was part of the o.c. crew, but there was a mass murder in town, somehow connected to the o.c. gang. he murdered everyone, except myrissa and me, by doing some karate moves and shoving poles in people's stomachs. that was pretty fucked, but not nearly as fucked as your dreams.

weeone said...

The dreams are scary in BC... and there's no end in sight... i haven't slept through one night yet ... i am not sure if its the inner ear infection or the fact that i miss you guys.

as such... i require more updates so i feel closer.

i hate that canada is so large.

thehippie said...

this has nothing to do with this post. this actually has something to do with a post ages ago, but if i comment there, you won't read it, and really there's no way i'd take that much time to find the post. i went to my first spin class and there totally was a girl who did the 'whohoos' every time the chick told us to crank it. really? i now fully understand the silliness of whohoo-ers in spin class. however i am also a silly girl. i wore this tshirt from the club's direct competition without really thinking about it until the spin chick looked at me oddly a few times. silly.

Anonymous said...

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