Monday, September 18, 2006

ThePeach’s Homecoming: Deep-Fry and Molestations All-Around

Once a year, Universitytown alights with drunkards more so than usual. Once a year, it is deemed acceptable to be wrecked by 11am – in fact it is unacceptable to be sober at noon. Once a year, poutine is sold on the street.

I’m talking about Universitytown Homecoming, the legendary weekend where livers are killed, cars are flipped, bank accounts are emptied for beer money, and loose Universitytown gash becomes even looser with the aid of booze, booze, booze.

Welcome Home, Motherfuckers!

It’s the one weekend I truly love living in Universitytown. Debauch…it feels so right. My mind is a little pickled still, but I’ll do my best to recount some highlights of my weekend.

Highlight: Cheese.

I consumed beautifully disgusting amounts of cheese this weekend. I may never poop again. And I’m ok with that, because the cheese was amazing and salty and totally worth the bowel decay. It started on Friday, when AsianCymbals and her hubby took me out for pizza. That was just a cheese primer. The main event was a few hours later, when TheHubby and I got smashed and he took out a fucking wheel of brie. Wheel of brie!! I swore I wouldn’t gorge on it, but then Cleavage showed up with drugs and that was the end of that. More cheese highlights included the stringy white cheese floating in the 2 large poutines I ate on Saturday. Cheese in gravy is the culmination of everything beautiful.

Highlight: Deep-Fry.

Anything rolled in batter and cooked in grease is alright with me. I’d probably eat a strip of my own flesh if it was deep-fried. I’m tender and delicious. My deep-fry consumption this weekend consisted of onion rings aaaaand…

Highlight: Deep-Fried Cheese!!!

OHHH KELLY CLARKSON!! TheHippie and I needed dinner at the bar we had been drinking in since 2pm. We knew dinner would have to consist of deep-fry, but what kind of deep-fry? I left it in TheHippie’s capable hands as I went to hump TheLegend from behind. Yaaaa…feels good, doesn’t it TheLegend? I came back to TheHippie when I was all frotteur-ed out and, god bless my soul-mate’s heart, she had ordered us deep-fried cheese-balls!! I’m salivating thinking about them right now. Also, it’s almost lunch time. And all I have is a stupid sammich. It’s neither deep-fried nor cheesy, and I am sad.

Highlight: Drugs.

I just can’t lay off the beautiful drugs no matter how hard I try. And I really don’t try at all. In fact, I called Cleavage and yelled at her to bring drugs and then peer-pressured everyone to smoke with me. Highlights of the marijuana episodes included:
- TheHubby trying to be a fountain, and just spitting water all over himself.
- blackout???
- discussing with TheHubby how, if I were to punch someone in the vag, I would call it “the vulva 1-2”
- watching the saddest movie ever – it had Michael Keaton dying of a brain tumor, and Nicole Kidman as his hot wife who births his beautiful child. There were tears all around. In hindsight it was a poor choice of a movie.
- I lost my bra. I was panicked over it. I couldn’t go outside and party with my girls all exposed.
- I found my bra 20 minutes later. It was in my hand. I lifted my left hand to reach for some poutine and there it was! It was a beautiful discovery!
- I met TheHippie’s new man. I swore I wouldn’t embarrass her in front of him. I introduced myself as “Yo’ BITCH!” and told him to shoot TheHippie in the eye with semen later on for me.
- I wished that I could shoot things out of my vag. I decided I would train my vag to spit. Then I could have a defense mechanism for when people piss me off – like a porcupine shooting his quills.
- Ordering in Poutine. Dropping a lot of it in TheHippie’s bed. Rolling around in gravy and TheHippie’s blankets, just like my dream.

Highlight: Molestations.

It’s just not homecoming if I don’t see some nether-regions. This year I almost saw too many. I probably began when I made us watch porn on the first night. It continued when I encouraged people to show me their peepees. I like drinking. Some molestation highlights:
- FireCrotch, an old friend, wrestled off TheHippie’s pants. Then I saw her peepee. I didn’t want to see it, but I did.
- I saw FireCrotch’s peepee. I didn’t want to see it, but I did.
- Cleavage and FireCrotch took off my bra. Then they tried to molest me. I didn’t want to be molested, but I was.
- TheHippie took off TheLegend’s belt and wore it around her neck for a good portion of one night. She tried valiantly to take out his peepee. I can’t remember if she succeeded.
- TheLegend gave me a back massage that made my spine writhe in pleasure. His hands grazed my side-boob. I wanted to be molested, in this case. I’m a whore for back-massages. Then he took off my bra. It was a recurring theme. Everyone wants to see ThePeach’s knockers!
- FireCrotch passed out in my lap. It felt maternal and wrong. He briefly awoke to tell me “I would eat you out if I weren’t so tired. I bet you taste amazing.” That felt slightly less maternal, but slightly more wrong. Now I don’t feel like having sex anymore, and I don’t know when the feelings will ever come back! But he’s right.
- AsianCymbals backed me up against an arcade golf-game and humped me aggressively yet gently. There are pictures.
- TheHippie and I kissed aggressively yet gently. There are pictures. (This happened before I saw her peepee, not after).

Highlight: AsianCymbals and her hot Hubby

My friends AsianCymbals and her hot hubby came to town for homecoming. They are hot and hilarious. Some highlights:
- I was napping on Friday when they got drunk and came to my apartment, told me to get dressed, and then slept in my bed (without pants!) while I showered. Milo attacked them both in their sleep. AsianCymbals’ wrist was covered in tooth-marks. Milo goes for the veins.
- Hot Hubby told me I looked super-cute. I felt super-good!
- AsianCymbals was hungover by 8pm and let me wear her wedding rings while she puked. They are shiny and delicious. Um, I mean just shiny. They also gave me power over Hot Hubby.
Ok…I can’t remember anything else. To quote (my) TheHubby: “all the real memories were flushed down the toilet…the cheeses, the alcohol, the bong water…”.

Happy Happy Homecoming!



weeone said...

Thanks for the update on your homecoming weekend. Sad i couldn't be there... sounded like you had good times!
I must go back to my sad sad life out here in bc now....
-tear, weeone

Billy said...

So sorry I couldn't be there for the fun... but your post makes me feel like I was. It also makes me more determined to have my own homecoming next month.

Yes, I agree. That DOES sound like a terrible idea.

The Peach said...

I miss WeeOne! You would have slapped me when I made us watch the Michael Keaton movie and put in some Family Guy, stat. It's all my fault...

weeone said...

you are right peach.. i would have slapped you very silly... there are much better movies out there for high-ness... as such.. i have officially decided what you are getting for your bday :)

i miss you peach, hubby, cleavage and hippie... come visit!!

TheLegend said...

She fully saw my crotch....
Infact, a little more hand-eye cordination...she would have done something else to my crotch.

asian cymbals said...

Peach, TheLegend's peepee was all out and about. There was also much groping of said peepee by you and TheHippie. You rockin' whores!

You also love giving the head.

HotHubby and I had such a blast with you this weekend!! We must do it more often. And by it, I mean lie in your bed with no pants. Your sweet sweet bed!

Also, Michael Keaton movie was wicked and totally tear-worthy. I wasn't high maybe I'm just easily enthralled by lame movies. Yeah, that's probably it.

The Peach said...

I don't recall actually putting my hands on TheLegend's penis...tricksy, very tricksy...

And hell ya, I love it!

Cleavage said...

I don't think you actually *did* put your hands on the peepee...someone (NOT ME, I WAS WATCHING, HORRIFIED, FROM THE BED) opened his pants, and the peepee sort of...'popped' out.

theHubby said...

Where the hell was I when all this happened?!? I don't remember being anywhere without the Hippie/Peach, except when I was with the Legend. so where the hell was I passed out when all this happened?