Friday, October 27, 2006

The Breakup Diaries: Day One-fucking-Million

It feels like it's been a million fucking days. My ribs hurt. My face actually burns. I should really buy some fucking brand-name kleenex instead of mopping up my snot with 1-ply food-basics brand toilet paper. I'm ghetto-tastic. I didn't update yesterday because all I could have written would have been: "cried. moped around. ate some shit, probably. weeped gently. whined."

So, to make up for it...

Today's Breakup Diaries are brought to you by the letter "C".

CRIED: Shocker!! On the bright side, at least I finally know that I'm not dead inside?

COOKIE DOUGH: How fucking stereotypical am I? I should be shot. Or I'll just wait for a clump of dough to settle in my heart - whatever is faster.

CAT-PISS: I smell like cat piss as a result of lying on my stinky futon all afternoon. The drycleaners can suck my ASS - my futon still reeks of urine. And now, so do I. That's appealing, right? Wanna lay me now? I smell like a homeless person. Some people like that.

CALLS: I have been getting calls at work all day about this new fucking study that TheBoss is running. The study is about women with broken gashes. These women piss themselves and can't lay their husbands. They call me at work and tell me about their troubles. Which leads me to...

CRAZY BITCHES: The women who call me at work are all crazy bitches. I haven't slept in 9 days. I am grumpy. I do not want to hear about YOUR GREEN URINE/SORE POOTER/ADULT DIAPERS!!!!!!!! All they are supposed to do is give me their mailing addresses. But, of course, they don't.

CUNT-SCAB: That pretty much describes my mood today. I feel like a cunt-scab.

CANNABIS: Thank fucking god. TheHippie, TheHubby and I are going to get fucking ripped off the weed and then go to...

CARAOKE: Fuck off. I know it's spelled "karaoke", but that didn't fit in with my scheme. Willingly suspend your disbelief, cunt-scabs. But anyway, somehow we decided that it would be genius to smoke an assload of pot and then go do some karaoke in a private room in the back of a sketchy sushi bar. Seriously. Pot? Raw fish? Microphones? This can only end well. I'll let you know tomorrow, unless I throw a chair at a Japanese waiter in a heart-wrenching rendition of "You're so Vain" and end up getting

inCARCERATED: It wouldn't be the end of the world. I think I'd fare well in prison. I'm really good at being the subservient bitch to a dominating alpha-cunt: I just had 2 years of practice, after all.

CATTY: You might have noticed that I'm getting bitchier. Less sad, more raging evil whore? I hope so. I really, really hope so.

Just for once, I want to be the dominating alpha-cunt...

ThePeach

3 comments:

Weeone said...

Here's another for you...
CONGRATS: on making the anger phase :)

Have fun tonight!

Tigercat said...

I enjoy the angry peach. She says stuff like "alpha cunt" which makes me laugh and her sound badass.
Enjoy the marijuana, sushi and karaoke. I will post bail if need be.

Tigercat

Cleavage said...

Here's what was missing from your Friday: Cleavage. I thought about calling y'all and meeting you and trying to play catch-up...and then I remembered that catch-up with this crowd would probably end in hospitalization for me.
ps: You forgot 'Cranky'