Monday, October 02, 2006

ThePeach Dabbles in Depression

I hope you’re not looking to feel all warm and cuddly on the inside today. This post isn’t going to evoke images of puppies giving kisses to robust elderly people in wheelchairs set against a backdrop of blue sky splattered with sunshine and rainbows. If that’s what you want, I recommend you go away. Now. Run along, Sunshine-Joe!

I have not been in the best of spirits lately. Yesterday I cuddled up on my (still) plastic-wrapped futon with my purring kitten and a can of icing and watched tv for 3 hours and it did nothing to help. Icing and forced-kitten-love is scraping the barrel of attempted-cheer for me and it did nothing! The goggles, they do nothing! I am in a shit-tacular mood and nothing, it seems, is going to alleviate the moodiness.

Here are some reasons why I hate the world right now:

1. Plague of Death

I am sick. I have been sick for like 2 weeks. I haven’t been to the gym, so I haven’t been able to sweat away calories and justify the shit I normally eat on a regular basis. Like pooter with extra gravy. And deep fried cheeses. There was one glorious week where I couldn’t eat anything without hurling, but the plague of death migrated from my stomach to my throat and now I want to eat nothing but pastries and then lie around and possibly eat more pastries and then maybe sleep a little.

I think I lost 3 pounds from all the barfing and not eating. It’s like god gave me anorexia and bulima all at once, but then took it away and gave it someone who really needed it – like a UniversityTown frosh who just bought her first set of stretch-pants. I got my appetite back last Wednesday in a big, bad way. One minute the thought of food made me want to curl up and die, and the next minute I was giving pizza-pizza my credit card number over the phone and pacing the hallway in front of my door waiting for the doorbell. God giveth control over food and he taketh away. Luckily, I now worship Hawaiian pizza and jalapeno dipping sauce as my new saviour and have rejected organized religion altogether, so I say God Shmod.

So, anyway, now I am in the “sick and starving” phase of my illness. My days consist of salivating over the thought of pastries and popping Tylenol Cold and then hallucinating because daytime cold meds fuck up my brain-stem. Just like Vim Oxy-Gel – something TheBitches bought in bulk and forced me to use to clean the shower. I would emerge from the shower sans nasal-hairs, drooling, talking in tongues, and walking in circles because my brain refused to recognize the right side of my body. That’s pretty much how I feel now, but with nose-hairs. And more hallucinations.

I am fully aware that I am annoying the living shit out of anyone who talks to me by complaining constantly about the plague that has over-taken my wee body – but I don’t care. It’s my right as an invalid. And as a raging bitch.

2. Becoming Elderly

It is my birthday on Thursday. I turn 24. This is elderly and unacceptable. The next person who tells me “24 is young! You’re being a crazy whore!” is going to get slapped in the mouth BECAUSE YOU ARE WRONG. 24 is old. OLD. Yes, I am aware that many to most of my blog readers are older than me. Many to most of my friends are older than me. My boyfriend is 8 years older than me. This does not comfort me. Y’all might die first, but I’m still fucking old.

For the love of Hawaiian pizza with jalapeno dipping sauce, I am going to get drunk on my birthday this year. Unless of course I have succumbed to the plague by then, in which case you should probably just send flowers to my mom and make sure someone finds my body before the kitten eats my face. Little fucker.

I know there are more reasons why I hate the world, but I think I’m done here. You get the idea. I am sick and old. It is a bad combo. I better watch that I don’t crack a hip and die of water on the lung.

Yours in day-time cold med induced hallucinations,



weeone said...

hi peachy,
im sorry to hear that you are feeling down... its never a good feeling... (as i am one to know)

hope you feel better soon.

PS: i hope there is a 'what i did on my bday' blog...

Anonymous said...

24 is young! You’re being a crazy whore!

The Peach said...

*slap to the mouth*

Anonymous said...

Don't worry, ThePeach, you still look as hawt as you did when I first met you in first year (think you were in 2nd year). Yep, you and theHippie are both hawt.

Anonymous said...

Have you not blogged since because you are still depressed? Tsk, tsk... don't worry, you'll regain the hotness of youth soon enough.

thehippie said...

god bless the first anonymous.