Tuesday, November 28, 2006

ThePeach Fucking Hates Morning

I am a crank-skank bitch this morning. I fucking hate morning.

It was an early day today, which began hours before my alarm went off with the kitten jumping spastically on my stomach. Remembering the mouse incident, I immediately shot out of bed and hit the lights to see what in the name of holy Christ the kitten had killed now.

He was attacking a small piece of white plastic. Curious. I threw the plastic in the garbage to prevent the kitten from choking to death (fucker will eat anything), and the kitten responded to this by latching onto my wrist-veins with his pointy devil-teeth. I shook him off and crawled back into bed. The pissed-off kitten arched through the air and landed on my forehead/temple/brain. I cocooned myself beneath 2 layers of blankets to protect my flesh and managed to fall back asleep with the kitten grunting and pacing my bed, looking for any exposed skin to destroy.

When I got into the shower a few hours later, I realized where the piece of white-plastic had come from as I noticed yet another shredded hole in my shower curtain the size of a small kitten-mouth.

I had an 8:30 class today, but prior to that I had to meet some work-men who were coming to my apartment to patch up the hole in my bathroom wall. The hole had been there when I moved in and was always gnarly and rank, but it had been covered by layers of tape and I had thus been able to ignore it. Until the kitten started eating his way through the tape and crawling around inside the bathroom wall, that is. Knowing that some day he would forget his way back to the outside world and end up pacing and grunting inside the walls until he starved to death, I pressured my landlord to fix the fucking hole. It finally happened at 7:45am this morning. I fucking hate morning.

After letting the work-men into my bathroom, I headed for my motherfucking class. Exhausted and cranky, I was greeted by my bright-eyed, blouse-wearing, stringy-haired English-geek classmate. He asked me if I had started the essay that is due on Friday. I grunted and squinted my eyes in a definitive “fuck no”. He chirped that he had already finished but was having problems working the Freudian symbolism into his conclusion. I looked at him warily through one slitted eye and rubbed my nose in a warm “go to hell, smegma”. He then reminded me that we had another project due next Tuesday in the same class. I sipped my caffeine and then spit the scalding liquid INTO HIS CORNEA. I wish. Fuck.

Once again, my professor incorporated use of the word “Cunt” into our lecture. Cunt at 8:30 am. I’m not a fan. Give me cunt any other time of day and I’m cool. But 8:30am…no. I should mention that the class is “English Literary Criticism”, not “Old British Woman is Fascinated with The Gash”.

After class, I was dazed and exhausted. I immediately craved an egg-unit and my bowels immediately recoiled in horror. WHY?? Why do I crave the egg-unit any time I’m fatigued and disoriented??! I don’t even like the egg-unit!! I definitely don’t like intestinal rot!! I shared my craving with AsianCymbals over msn, and she made me promise that I wouldn’t get one. She keeps me strong, that one. But now I am sitting here and all I can think about is how great it would feel to have a slimy luke-warm egg-unit sliding down my throat, the processed cheese coating my molars with an orange film and the sausage-puck clogging my bowels…

I am sick and I need help.

On the bright side, it is now 11:21 am and in 9 minutes it will become socially acceptable for me to eat lunch. Maybe that will get my mind off egg-units.

I need a nap.

ThePeach

4 comments:

The Legend said...

I believe that at noon, it's socially acceptable for you to also have a beer to relax after such a morning.

Billy said...

Actually, first call is at 11am.

But if you're really hard up, the beer store opens at 9.

I mean...um.. I don't drink.

The Peach said...

Lucky for me, I got high off envelope glue around 2pm. That took the edge off for the next 3 hours.

Work is fun.

TheNurse said...

Peach you should really come visit me in NZ, the gratuitous use of cunt is unbelievable, i'm used to it now. people are refered to as cunts in a nice way, like oh he's a good cunt, or the cunt down the street. it's not meant in a bad way but it still catches me sometimes