Wednesday, November 08, 2006

ThePeach Paint-Rages; Gets Kicked in Box by Karma

I need sleep. I am so fucking sleep-deprived. I’m back on the sweet teat of gravol but it’s doing nothing. Nothing! I feel like the night of the living dead. Argh.

Why can’t I sleep? 2 reasons: 1) Rage, 2) Mice.

Let’s start with 1) Rage.

I’ve hit the rage-stage of my breakup. It’s much more fun than being a weepy, whiny shit. Except that, instead of being gently rocked to sleep by my pathetic sobbing, I now toss and turn all night as I rage about FauxHawk. And my tossing and turning seriously excites the kitten, who likes to sleep on my stomach. All in all, it’s fucking chaotic:

ThePeach’s Brain: MotherfuckerselfishbastardmotherfuckerMOTHERFUCKER!
ThePeach: *toss*
Milo: zzzzzWHAT THE FUCK?
ThePeach’s Brain: MotherfuckerneverappreciatedmemotherfuckerMOTHERFUCKER!
ThePeach: *turn*
Milo: A GAME!!! *starts jumping spastically on my face*
ThePeach’s Brain: Motherfuckercan’tbelieveIputupwithhisshitmotherfuckerMOTHERFUCKER!
ThePeach: *toss*
Milo: I WANNA PLAY, TOO!!! *runs to kitchen to grab toy; knocks over lamp on his way. Jumps onto my torso with stuffed mouse in mouth. Starts throwing the mouse in the air and attacking it on my shifting torso* YA, MULLAFUCKAH!!!

So ya, I haven’t been sleeping much. On Sunday, I decided I needed a project in which to channel my rage. I chose painting my apartment. On my way back from Ottawa, I made my family stop at CrappyTire so I could select and purchase paint and painting supplies. I carefully pored over paint chips, weighing the pros and cons of each possible colour. Would this colour make mens want to have sex with me? Would this colour make me look hot when I’m lying naked on my bed seducing mens? Would this colour be cheap?

And then…

TigerCat: Ok…*look of fear in her eyes, as if she’s addressing someone who is minutes away from throwing her own feces in rage*…I don’t want to alarm you, but we need to leave CrappyTire. Now.
ThePeach: Why? I haven’t selected the perfect colour for my bedroom yet.
TigerCat: …ok…FauxHawk is here.
ThePeach: …sorry?
TigerCat: He is here. In CrappyTire. Right now.
ThePeach:…what?
TigerCat: I just talked to him. He’s buying a plunger.
ThePeach: *heh*…but…oh god…no…
TigerCat: Sorry.
ThePeach: I…just…puked…in…my…mouth.
TigerCat: Ok, let’s get you home.
ThePeach: NO!!! I need to paint, damnit!!! It’s all I have!!! ALL I HAVE!!!! *tears in eyes*
TigerCat: But you haven’t even picked a colour yet.
ThePeach: *picks at random from wall of chips* Any colour works. ANY FUCKING COLOUR WORKS!! *turns to crusty sales lady* MIX THIS COLOUR NOW!!!

So ya, I didn’t put the time and effort into selecting a colour that I would have liked. My bedroom is now bright, bright pink. Like vom-inducing pink. I feel like I live on the inside of a stomach. But it’s…different? And when I bring mens home I’ll just keep the lights off. And kick them out before morning.

On a side note, I am a bad painter. I am neither patient nor meticulous. Parts of my carpet are pink. Parts of my ceiling are pink. A pair of jeans that got in the fucking way are pink. There is a set of teeny pink paw-prints on my living room floor. Thank god I rent.

So, I got the paint-rage out of my system. I also crippled myself in the process. Painting hurts my body.

2) Mice…and karma.

The night of the painting, I was up all night tossing and turning in my vom-pink room listening to Milo chase mice. Between the mice and the smell of kitten-urine, I live in a fucking barn.

I wanted Milo to learn to be a good hunter, so I didn’t stop him from his stalking. But this meant I was up all night listening to him knocking shit over while he chased a mouse throughout my house. At one point, I got out of bed to see what the fuck was going on. I found Milo playfully following a mouse across the living-room floor. Just following him. Not attempting to catch or kill him…just following him. Like a ‘tard following a shiny piece of plastic blowing down the street.

The next night, I talked to my mom on the phone about what a useless kitten Milo is. I described in detail how he followed the mouse all night but didn’t attempt to catch or kill it. I used the sentence “he’s a lover, not a killer”. I groaned about how I had the only fucking cat in the world who didn’t catch mice. I called him retarded. The gods were listening.

As I tossed and turned in bed later that night, I could hear Milo knocking shit down in my kitchen. Fucking retarded cat. At some blessed point, I stopped raging long enough to fall into a fitful sleep.

I awoke to Milo jumping on my stomach like a spastic demon. He was purring with gusto. He wouldn’t get off me or shut his purr-hole. I opened my eyes. It was 4:30 am. The morning light was just starting to peek through my window and by the glare of my disgustingly pink walls I saw what was causing my retarded kitten’s excitement:

The dead mouse he had deposited on my chest.

OHHHHHHH MOTHERFUCKER!!!! Oh god oh god oh god. I have never flown out of bed so fast in my life. I did a spastic, girly freak-out dance and threw off my pjs with a speed I didn’t know I had in me. The mouse corpse flew off my body and onto the floor. Milo flew off the bed and onto the corpse, where he batted it around and continued to purr proudly. Swearing and sweating, I grabbed a garbage bag and lifted the mouse corpse by the tail and dropped it into the bag with a wee thud. I tied the bag in a triple knot in case it came back to life or something. Because it was 4:30 am and because I was naked, I placed the garbage bag in my hallway by the door instead of taking it to the curb. I then made a grave, rookie mistake: I gave Milo two treats. As much as I was fucking flipping out from his “gift”, I wanted to encourage him to catch more mice in the future. Plus he was so damned proud! It would have been cute if it weren’t inconceivably horrifying.

I scrubbed my hands with disenfectant soap. I put on new pjs and got back into bed. I fell back asleep. Or I was in shock, whatever.

Milo misinterpreted the point of the treats. As I was sleeping, he ate his way through the garbage bag. He picked up the dead mouse in his retarded little mouth. He carried it back to my bed…

Milo: OH BOY!!! THEPEACH LOVED MY GIFT!!! I’M GONNA GET MORE TREATS NOW!! *opens mouth*

This time, I woke up the second I felt the thud of the tiny mouse-corpse land on me. This time, Milo dropped it on my bare shoulder. My eyes flew open. I looked at Milo jumping proudly and excitedly on my stomach, purring like a maniac. I looked at my shoulder…

ThePeach: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHGGGGGGGG!!!!! OH GOD! OH MOTHERFUCKER!!! FUCKING CAT! FUCKING CAT!!!!

I threw myself out of bed again, this time semi-flipping myself off the back of the bed and hurling the mouse-corpse against the wall with a massive fling of my shoulder. I had my pj top off before I or the corpse hit the ground. Milo dove behind the bed to fetch my gift. I squealed and hopped around my room in panic. I put on new pjs. I grabbed another garbage bag and pried the mouse-corpse out of my retarded kitten’s paws. I dropped it into the garbage bag. I took the garbage bag to the curb outside. It was 6:30am.

When I got back inside, Milo was seriously PISSED. Not only did I not reward him for his hunting skills, but I had thrown his gift to me away. He had the crazy-tail going on. His ears pointed straight back. He was walking in circles by the door, making pissed off grunts (ya, my kitten grunts. He's charming. Possibly possesed). I went to the bathroom and scrubbed my hands, shoulder, and rack with disinfecting soap. When I came back out, I found a puddle of warm urine on my futon.

Fucker really loves to express himself.

So, I think it’s safe to say that Karma kicked me swiftly in the box.

And this is why I have been having trouble sleeping.

ThePeach

4 comments:

Cleavage said...

At least he killed it before he dropped it on your chest!
Also: Are you certain that you are not secretly and subconsciously defecting to the pussy posse with your now vag-coloured room?

The Peach said...

Twat are you saying, Cleavage?? I cunt be a lesbian!!!

asian cymbals said...

Hahahahahaaaa!!!

"wee thud"!!

Hahahahahaaaaa!!!!

Oh my freaking lord, I was hoping you would post something like this when I read your msn name. This is too funny, I am filled with glee this morning. Gleeful, you might say.

Your cat really is kind of retarded. I love it.

cat lover said...

I love your cat! Purring proudly of his accomplishments. SO CUTE! Gross about the mouse though...and the kitty urine. :)