Tuesday, November 21, 2006

ThePilot Disses ThePeach; ThePeach Forgives But Doesn’t Forget

You all remember my good friend ThePilot. We’ve been friends/jaded soulmates since high school. We’re going to get married some day. Our friendship is based on eternal love for each other and eternal hatred of most other members of the populace. And also on Kraft Dinner and TNG. He lives far away, but we bitch to each other daily via msn. We share everything, no matter how horrifying the details:

ThePeach: Last night I had the kinkiest sex. It was awesome. I’m such a trampy whore.
ThePilot: You are a whore. I had awesome sex last night, too!
ThePeach: Was it administered yourself?
ThePilot: What the fuck do you think?
ThePeach: That’s hot.

OR:

ThePeach: ThePilot, I hate my shitty life. I want to curl up in a ball and die in a ditch somewhere. And nobody gets me. *sob*
ThePilot: Are you sad because LOST was put on hiatus until February?
ThePeach: *sob* You always understand.
ThePilot: Here’s a picture of a kitten.
ThePeach: I love you.
ThePilot: What?
ThePeach: Nothing.

My main role in ThePilot’s life is to be his woman-coach. You see, ThePilot has problems with the ladies. For as long as I’ve known him, he falls into the same trap: he meets a sexy lady, falls in love with her, doesn’t tell her, becomes her best friend, and he becomes the person she tells the details of her sex life to while he dies on the inside. This is how we became friends, actually.

It's not that ThePilot isn’t hawt – he is. But he’s the friend. He’s always been the friend. And the friend doesn’t get vagina.

The devastating result of this is a 24-year old virgin. And I have done my fucking best to change this throughout the years, trust me. I have given him step-by-step sexual instructions:

ThePeach: ..and then, you move your tongue in a counter-clockwise motion. She’ll be your sex-slave if you do it right.
ThePilot: Um, I haven’t even talked to this girl yet.
ThePeach: That is not my problem.

I have detailed the behaviours he should present on a date:

ThePeach: Pick up the bill. Hold her hand on the way home. Walk her to her door and kiss her lightly on the lips.
ThePilot: Ok…I can try that.
ThePeach: THEN TAKE HER FUCKING PANTS OFF AND BANG HER!!!
ThePilot: *sweats*

I have coached him through handfuls of blonde bitches that he falls in love with:

ThePeach: You need to just tell her that you like her.
ThePilot: Before or after I go shopping with her to help her pick out lingerie for her date tonight?
ThePeach: …Jesus Christ we lost her.
ThePilot: *sob*

Basically, I have been privy to every non-sordid detail of ThePilot’s love-life for the past 6 years. And then, yesterday he shattered my world:

ThePilot: So, are you less sad about getting dumped?
ThePeach: Sensitive, ThePilot. Thanks.
ThePilot: No seriously, are you less of a cry-hole?
ThePeach: Fuck you. And yes, yes I am.
ThePilot: Ok good, because I have to tell you something. And you’re going to be mad.
ThePeach: Bring it.
ThePilot: I’m seeing someone.
ThePeach: WHAT??!
ThePilot: I have been for the past month.
ThePeach: WHHHHAAAAAT???!!!
ThePilot: And we have sex. Real sex. Intercourse.
ThePeach: *brain explodes*

THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!! I am his fucking vagina-coach and he was getting laid for an entire month and didn’t tell me!!! There were so many conflicting feelings…anger, sadness, pride, joy…how do I sort through these?

To be fair, ThePilot was trying (in the special way that only ThePilot can) to protect me. He hooked up with this chick the same day that FauxHawk shattered my heart, and wanted to wait to tell me about her until I was less upset. In his special reetee way, ThePilot’s LIES TO ME were very sweet and loving.

HOWEVER

I am PISSED that he withheld this information for an entire month!! I always thought that, when ThePilot lost his virginity, I would be waiting for him at home in a room full of balloons, holding a video-camera and cutting into a cake topped with a giant vag made out of icing. It only seems right to blame FauxHawk for my anger. If he hadn’t have dumped me, ThePilot wouldn’t have LIED for an entire month to protect my shredded heart. It’s actually really convenient to have a scapegoat like FauxHawk. I also blame him for that time I burnt my dinner and last week when the kitten ate his way through the bathroom wall and got his head stuck between some pipes (I live in a fucking shanty).

I would hope that the next time ThePilot reaches a sexual milestone that I will be the first to know. If he ever does anal/a 3-some/S&M I expect him to pick up his cell phone and call me before he’s even fully withdrawn.

I think he owes me that much.

ThePeach

2 comments:

thehippie said...

congrats on achieving that sexual milestone thepilot!!! goodluck reaching further milestones!!

thepilot said...

Thanks!