Monday, December 04, 2006

It’s Raining Inappropriate and Sexually Suggestive Mens (Halleluiah?)

You know the expression “when it rains it pours”? Well, in ThePeach’s life, when it rains it fucking hail-storms/floods cities/causes Katrina-esque damage (is it too soon to allude to Katrina? Fuck it – I’m starting the trend, bitches).

It had been a relatively dry couple of weeks, mens-wise. School had shit all over me and I spent the next little while trying to desperately keep afloat of the feces. I’m still barely keeping my head above the poo, but I’ve accomplished enough that I can finally update my fucking blog. This means that all of you can stop fucking harassing me now. TheCrip/TigerCat/TheNurse: you especially. TheCrip: you most especially. No, I will not get chicken wings with you just because you miss having the sex with TheHippie!! I have work to do so BACK OFF!!! (I still love you and I promise I’ll send you those tapes of TheHippie and I making tender love to each other someday soon).

Right. So, my point is that my trampage was put on hiatus. Also, I have a lot of personal shit going down and I’ve been hiding in my apartment to avoid dealing with my life. Don’t worry, I’ve been having a lot of fun eating zoodles out of the can and talking to the cat. It’s been awesome.

Anyway, today – within a 1 hour span – I received 2 suggestive emails/messages from mens. Not just any mens, either: mens that are unfortunately extremely inappropriate for me to date/bang.

Let’s start with Mens1:

Pros: Cute, funny, nice, seems to think I’m cool (which implies that he’s fucked in the head. Which turns me on.)

Inappropriate: Works in my lab. Office banging = no-no. I am his superior. He is 3 years younger than me. I am his elder. Also, he is a fire-crotch and we all know my rules about that (CoorsLight was a fire-crotch. He was also an alcoholic, but apparently I let that rule slip!).

We are kind of buddy-buddy, and then today he sent me this message on facebook (copied word for word, I shit you not):

Subject: The Best Date of Your Life
Hey Peach,

I called Chuckey Cheese, and they said that they don't have the resources on hand to give you the meal that I asked them to provide for our date until between Christmas and New Years, so we'll have to wait for Caviar chez Chuckey.The whole thing got me to thinking though, i mean, sure, we could wait for the date, but what if a police officer met you, then i'm screwed right? I mean, i only have the construction worker and the Native American costumes, so i'd be at a severe disadvantage here. I came to the conclusion in the end that i need to snap you up before a cop does though.

So then i thought, hey, why not have Peach come over to residence. I've got a super firm single bed, and that's what all women really want, so i could have you over, show off my digs, maybe get someone in trouble with my don power to make you a bit weak in the knees. Of course the key to the whole plan is that you'll be far from home, so when it gets dark and cold you won't want to go home cause it's so far, so i'll graciously offer to cuddle with you, and that'll be the end of it once you see me in my sleeping shorts (they're shiny).

The best added perk about the residence date though, is that there's a TV room to watch movies that no one uses, so you end up with a projection TV, the worlds best couch, and sometimes a chocolate bar. And of course me. Sometimes i even wear whipped cream for desert. It might be a stretch for the first date, but i could be convinced. I guess it all depends what you wear when you come over and how much you're flashing the twins around and trying to aggressively make out during the slow scenes in the movie.

give it some thought, let me mom says i'm special and unique, so if you pass this up you'll never get a chance like it again.


Ya…Ya. Not too sure how to handle this one. I laughed a lot (good laughing, not evil bitch laughing) when I received this message – so much so that I believe the janitors in my building now think I do meth in the afternoons. Which means they’re going to start knocking on my door and asking to borrow my pipe because their parole officers confiscated theirs.

I’m quite tempted to say ‘yes’ to his night of whipped cream body-suits and twin-flashing, but it would be wrong. Dirty wrong…

ThePeach’sBeast: I like dirty-wrong.
ThePeach’sMorales: …*crickets chirping*
ThePeach’sBeast: I like dirty-wrong.
ThePeach: Shit.

No, definitely wrong. I work with him and I usually like to kick mens out in the morning, not discuss statistics and photocopy surveys together (yes, these are some of the things I do at work when I actually work. Although usually I just spin in my chair and eat timbits. But I don’t like to do that with my man-meats either).

Conclusions: Inappropriate and wrong. Dirty wrong…. No, just wrong.

(dear Mens1: if you read my blog, I apologize for posting your message. I’m a whore that way. But I only posted it because I find you so hilarious. Good Hilarious. Dirty hilarious…shit, no. Fucking beast.)


As I was reading the message from Mens1 and urinating myself in laughter, I received an email from Mens2.

Pros: Cute, funny, smart, nice, bang-able.

Inappropriate: Goes to my gym. He’s a secret gym-admirer. I don’t want to bang someone who has watched me limp my way through a painfully slow 4 km run and then pass out afterwards in a pool of my own sweat. It’s not hot. Equally important: do not want to run into someone I made dirty with post-coitally at the gym. I don’t need another reason to avoid going, for fuck’s sakes! I already have: FauxHawk, school, rain, tv, my uterus…just to name a few.

Anyway, he has my e-mail address (what can I say? I’m fucking adorable and mens ask for my contact info) and here is the e-mail he sent me today (para-phrased):


Nice seeing you at the gym. Sorry if I couldn’t stop staring at your jugs while you were on the treadmill; green is your colour!



Well, I can’t fault the guy for staring at my hypnotizing wrack as I bounce along on the treadmill. Why do you think I run in front of the mirrors? To stare at my beautiful wrack, that’s why! And green really is my colour.

But no, banging someone who I am guaranteed to see on a regular basis afterwards would be awkward and messy. Bad messy.

ThePeach’sBeast: He likes your jugs.
ThePeach’sPracticality: …*wind whistling*…
ThePeach’sBeast: He likes your jugs.
ThePeach: Shit.

Conclusion: Too awkward!! Too messy!! Hot messy…NO. Messy messy.

So, that was my day. When it rains it pours inappropriate sexually suggestive men. The beast needs to be fed. I am thinking with my brain instead of my good-girl. For now.

Fucking beast.



weeone said...

i heart updates :)

Anonymous said...

I say BANG THEM ALLL!!!!! Mens#1 sounds funny, mens#2 sounds hot in an agressive way....bang'em! I even suggest you bang thecrip while his girlfriend is out of town! The more the merrier

Anonymous said...

Mens#1 is a whore... I know from experience.... stay away from the disease.... seriously... I'm not even joking here...

ARGHHH!!!! Be careful with your Poon... he's been know to have gonorrhea.

I need to stay anonymous... sorry!

Anonymous said...


No. while theHippie is a free-love-wear-birks-tree-hugging-annoying-hippie, she frowns upon thaqt sort of thing.

As for ghonnoreah, you get a shot that shit clears right up. MamaCrip is an STD Nurse, she knows these things.


The Peach said...

Sweet. I love quick fixes.

For the record, I won't try to bang TheCrip. I don't roll like that. Plus I believe I stated my rule about FireCrotches.

I might try to bang TheHippie, but only because I haven't seen her in like a month and miss her and am lonely.

Anonymous said...

I havent seen theHippie either in a while. Its going on three and a half days now.

How bout we share her together? Does that fall within your rules?


thehippie said...

here i am! hugs and love to all! i have been sans internet for a while and i appologize.

dear 1st anon:
are you really just my bf trying to get into my gf's pants? and if you aren't, thepeach and thecrip are only allowed to make out if i'm there.

dear anon 2:
damn, why do all the funny guys have theghon?

dear thecrip:
you do realize that if you choose other instead of anon for your identity, you can just type your name in, right?

dear thepeach:
find complete strangers to bang. start roaming the streets of unitown and ask hotmens you'll never see again. that wont get you arrested for soliciting.