Saturday, December 09, 2006

Proof That Jesus Hates ThePeach

Oh, for fuck sakes…

Why do these things always happen to me?!

So, last night was fun. TheHippie came to visit and we got drunk and watched Mean Girls with TheCrip. Then TheHubby came home and we all smoked the bong and watched Almost Famous. This, of course, led me into several of my well-known pot-rants:

1. The 70s were awesome. We should have been our age in the 70s so that we could all be on acid and Quaaludes all the time. And we could sway to the music while we were high on these beautiful drugs. And TheHippie would have a big shagalicious van that we could travel the country in. And we could grow our hair to luxurious lengths and experiment sexually.

2. I would like to have been a groupie. I would have very much enjoyed traveling the country with hot rockers and servicing them sexually as I’m high on an endless supply of acid and Quaaludes. That would have been the perfect job for me!!!

3. Kate Hudson is so adorable that I would consider going dyke just to be with her. Even though she wears incredibly high-waisted jeans in the movie. Speaking of which, isn’t fashion fucked?

4. Fashion is fucked. It really is. Do you ever think about how bizarre it is that we put so much effort into our appearance based on what society tells us is attractive at the time? Fucking society. And isn’t it fucked how much fashion changes through the years? Look at those high-waisted jeans and knit tops…that was hot in the 70s. Now it is no longer hot. Fashion, man…it’s fucked.

5. You know what else changes throughout the years and is fucked? Music, man. Music is fucked. Look at how much it changes. I mean, hundreds of years ago we listened to fucking Gregorian Chant for fun. Then we had rock and now we have hip-hop? It’s all so fucked.

After the movie, TheHubby and I slow-danced in the kitchen to “Tiny Dancer”, which I was singing despite the fact that I don’t know any of the words:

ThePeach: Ballerina!! You must have seeeen her…dancing in the…land
TheHubby: Oh my god, we’re so in love!
ThePeach: Bluuuuue jean baby…L.A…crazy…
TheHubby: We’re so in love and the whole world knows it!
ThePeach: HOLD ME CLOSER, TINY DANCER!
TheHubby: We’re the cutest couple ever because we slow-dance to music of our own making!
ThePeach: LA-LA HEADLIGHTS ON THE SKYYYYY…way…?
TheHubby: My skin is itchy.

So, around 2 I started to crash bad. I was drunk and high and minutes from passing out. People were starting to scare me and I could feel the ‘noids coming on something fierce. I needed to be in my bed, stat.

So we decided to call a cab. It would be the fastest way to home and safety.

TheHippie, TheCrip and I crawled into the backseat of the cab when it arrived and breathed a sigh of relief. Home was but a quick cab ride away.

The car pulled into the street and very slowly made its way south. The car started getting slower. And slower. We were almost at a stand-still. We all assumed this was happening inside our heads and not in reality. All of us but the cabbie, who started swearing in French. We turned the corner, the car sputtered, and stopped.

Cabbie: Zut! Tabernac! Shit!
TheHippie:…wha?...wha?...huh?
TheCrip: zzzzzz
ThePeach: Why…why god…?
Cabbie: I ran out of gas. Shit!
TheCrip: zzzzzz
ThePeach: Why god…why do these things always happen to me…when I’m high?
Cabbie: SHIT!

Yes, my car to safety, the vehicle that was supposed to deliver me from the ‘noids, ran out of gas. Of course. Of course.

The cabbie sat there all puzzled and the 3 of us sat in the back seat freaking out, high as motherfuckers.

Cabbie: Shit!
ThePeach: *whispers* oh god, we’re all going to die.
TheHippie: *whispers* We are. We really are.
TheCrip: I…wanna…be…in bed.
Cabbie: Maybe I’ll try the engine one more time…
ThePeach: *whispers* we’re going to die out here, and then he will rape us all.
TheHippie: *whispers* I don’t want to be raped!
TheCrip: Why…why…
Cabbie: Hey, maybe there’s enough gas to do this after all…

No, French cabbie. There was not enough gas to get us home. There was only enough gas to drive, slowly, into the middle of a busy intersection and then stall for good in the path of oncoming traffic. That was the final straw for the ‘noids.

TheHippie: *gripping tightly onto the Peach* OH GOD WE’RE GOING TO BE HIT BY MULTIPLE CARS AND DIE!
ThePeach: *sob* I HATE YOU, JESUS!
TheCrip: We could just get out of the cab, you know.
ThePeach: *sob* SHUT UP!! YOU KNOW I CAN’T MOVE RIGHT NOW!

TheCrip eventually left the safety of the cab to push us out of the intersection as the cabbie steered us to the curb. TheCrip should get a medal for that. The cabbie should not.

Another cab came and we got into that and were safely delivered to our homes and beds and, for some of us, angry kittens.

Why can’t anything ever happen normally for me? Of course my fucking cab runs out of gas in the middle of an intersection when I’m high as all sweet Christ. Of course it does. This is proof that Jesus hates me.

But, when Jesus makes your cab stall in an intersection when you’re high, the next day he gives you a hobo santa, midget, and one-armed cripple to make up for it.

ThePeach

8 comments:

weeone said...

Awe.. i miss your rants peach!
And miss times like those ...

im sorry about the cab ride home... did they still make you pay??

miss you!! (and everyone!)

asian cymbals said...

I was wondering the same thing! Did you have to pay for this cab ride?

P.S. My vagina is broken

theCrip said...

WE DID HAVE TO PAY!!! I tried to weasel a free ride out of cabbie number two but the asshole didnt do it.

He even charged us for the "extras" of having to carry two more people.

Good thing theHippie was my sugar momma and paid for it. She's great like that.

thehippie said...

i even tipped too much cause i was feeling high and generous. im like that.

thehippie said...

p.s. what happened to your vagina a.c.?

The Peach said...

FOR THE RECORD:

I was the sugar momma and that was my monies that paid for the fucking cabbie!! I'm TheHippie's sugar momma and then she's yours, thecrip. There's a bitch hierarchy and don't you forget it.

btw, i'm drunk. wooo!

TheCrip said...

You had two smirinoff ice's last night and went home at 10. How in gods name could you be drunk from THAT.

weeone said...

dear thecrip... you don't know me.. but i would love to know you... :)

BUT.. 2 smirnoff's is more than enough for thepeach. sometimes just one is enough.

i heart that about thepeach. it brings on wonderful rants etc.

miss you all :)