Thursday, December 14, 2006

ThePeach's Random Life Happenings

Nothing major has happened to me recently, but several minor humorous events took place. I shall now list them for you:

1. You Know, Keeping Your Shape in Shape has its Rewards
AsianCymbals sent me THIS link. I almost died. I don’t even know what I can possibly say about it, since the commercial really says it all.

Now my wish to be my age in 60s/70s isn’t as strong. Because, although I do wish to have a nice shape, I don’t know if I could be a mind-sticker.

2. I Made a New Friend
TheCrip and I went out for wings and booze on Tuesday. A couple of his guy friends were there, and we joined their table. I should preface this story with the fact that I was wearing a Senators t-shirt during a Leafs game. I’m awesome that way. Anyway, TheCrip goes to introduce me to one of the burly mens, and here is how that went:

TheCrip: Peach, this is BurlyMens.
ThePeach: *sticks out hand* Hi.
BurlyMens: I won’t touch her fucking hand as long as she’s wearing that fucking shirt. *slams back a beer*
ThePeach: *sits down* Why? Can’t stand that we’re the better team?
BurlyMens: If you weren’t a chick I would punch you in the face right now.
ThePeach: I get that a lot. So, my name is ThePeach.
BurlyMens: My ex-girlfriend’s name is ThePeach. Now I want to stab you in the throat.
ThePeach: Awesome.

After a few drinks and some racial jokes, BurlyMens started warming up to me.

BurlyMens: So, what do you do for a living?
ThePeach: I work at the University. My boss wants to rape me but they pay me to sit on my ass all day, so it evens out.
BurlyMens: Dude, I can’t believe you just dropped a rape-bomb! You hardly know me!!
ThePeach: You introduced yourself as wanting to stab me in the neck.
BurlyMens: It’s still true.

3. TheBoss Made Me Uncomfortable
We had our work “non-denominational festive party” this week. It was at TheBoss’ house. He picked a night when he wife was out of town to hold the party. Awesome. There were about 8 of us there, and here are some of the things he said during the party:

TheBoss: So, you know when you use a bar of soap in the shower and it gets really tiny and thin when it’s almost gone? So you press all of the little soap slivers together into one slightly larger soap sliver?
ThePeach:…sure.
TheBoss: If I use that sliver to wash my ass, it will go straight up my asshole!
ThePeach: oh god.

Co-worker: So, I used to be a drama major. Once we did this really cool exercise where we had to act with paper bags over our heads and-
TheBoss: I like it when girls have bags over their heads. You don’t need to see their face. Not in the sack.
ThePeach: oh god.

TheBoss’Kid (6 years old): Wanna see me do my exercises???!!!!
ThePeach: Sure, child.
TheBoss’Kid: *goes through series of situps, pushups, and jumping jacks*
ThePeach: Very nice, child.
TheBoss’Kid: *gets on all fours and starts thrusting his pelvis towards the floor*
TheBoss: Heh, ya. He caught me doing that to TheWife once and I told him it was an exercise.
ThePeach: oh god.

So, that was the work party. Merry Christmas!

4. My Dad Hurt My Feelings
I talk to my dad on the phone about once a week. He usually asks about my love-life, which I can handle. But this I could not handle:

Peach-Dad: So, how’s the love-life?
ThePeach: Uneventful, Dad.
Peach-Dad: Really? Why don’t you just get married, already?
ThePeach: Because I don’t think it would be very romantic when I have to drag a street-hobo down the aisle and pay him in used needles to marry me.
Peach-Dad: Well…that’s ok. I think you’re just going to be one of those girls that never gets married. You’ll just be one of the types that stay single forever. Alone.
ThePeach: I have a cat.
Peach-Dad: He’ll die eventually.
ThePeach: *sniffle*

5. My Kitten Gives Me Mixed Messages

Here is what I go through every single day when I get home from work. The kitten has been alone in the apartment for about 6-7 hours at this point.

*warning* some of you may be shocked and appalled to learn that I talk to the kitten in a disgusting baby-voice that makes me hate my own being. I apologize for this.

ThePeach: *opens door* Hewwo?? Where is de kitten??
Milo: *trots up to ThePeach with wide eyes and an adorable shiver of excitement*
ThePeach: Dere he is!! Dere he is!! I missed my kitten!!
Milo: *audible purring. Starts trying to climb ThePeach’s legs*
ThePeach: OHHH what a good kitten! What a good kitten! *Picks up Milo*
Milo: *purrs loudly enough to shake his own body. Pats ThePeach’s face with his paws and rubs his own face into her neck. Starts licking her cheeks with his little raspy tongue*
ThePeach: I missed de kitten, too! GOOD WITTLE BOY!! GOOD WITTLE BOY!!!!
Milo: *continues licking and purring*
ThePeach: OHHH MY WITTLE GUY IS SO CUTE! AND – hey, did your ears just get pointier?
Milo: *eye twitch*
ThePeach: Did your pupils just dilate? Why is your tail whacking me in the back of the head? WITTLE GUY!! YOU’RE STILL CUTE!!
Milo: *clamps onto ThePeach’s face with his teeth. Doesn’t let go. Continues to purr loudly*
ThePeach: OW. NO!!! WE DON’T BITE FACES! BAD KITTEN!
Milo: BITE THIS, MULLLAFUCKA!!! *sticks pointy teeth into ThePeach’s wrist veins. Starts batting at ThePeach’s arm with his claws. Continues to purr loudly*
ThePeach: Motherfuck!! Why don’t you love me???!!!
Milo: By the way, I pood on the bath-mat today.
ThePeach: *sob*


So, I think that pretty much covers my week so far. It was pretty par for the course.

He wants you with a good shape…shape with Tab!

ThePeach

3 comments:

asian cymbals said...

Ahhhahahahahahaa!!!!

Excellent commercial...saw it on Ellen. I love Ellen.

And TheBoss is unreal. I don't even know how to react anymore. I'm shocked and tickled, and part of me feels that I shouldn't be shocked after all this time, so I chide myself internally, and that all causes confusion and resentment of myself.

As for my man, when I can't be with him, I want to be in his mind. I know that for sure. Now I know how.

svenicus said...

ooooohkay.

Please tell me that those conversations with your boss actually didn't happen. If they did, it's hilarious, but beyond the scope of reality I want to acknowledge.

I want a mind-sticker :(

Cleavage said...

I think that you transcribed Milo's thoughts wrong. It is actually, "Poo-ed". Or maybe Milo needs to go back to skool?