Tuesday, January 09, 2007

ThePeach Is Going To Hell; Takes TheCrip

In case anyone wasn’t already positive that I would not only rot in hell, but also become the dark lord’s evil-consultant (TheDevil: I think today I’ll kill some orphans. ThePeach: Molest them first…then kill them. TheDevil: You so craaazy!), here is a convo I had with TheCrip over msn today:

TheCrip: I went to a hockey game this weekend.
ThePeach: Coo’
TheCrip: It was Special Olympics Day!
ThePeach: OH MY GOD.
TheCrip: I walked in and this tard ran over waving a flyer at me and yelled “SUPPORT SPECIAL OLYMPICS” in this amazing tard voice!
ThePeach: YES! OH MY GOD!
TheCrip: Unfortunately I was with TheHippy, so I couldn’t laugh out loud…
ThePeach: Shit, that damn hippy ruins everything.
TheCrip: Well, she did laugh when all the tards started dancing to that song “Put your hands up in the air! Put your hands up! In. The. Air!”
TheCrip: I immediately thought of you.
ThePeach: Did you videotape it on your cell phone?
TheCrip: I know I failed you.
ThePeach: You’re fucking right you failed me! FUCK! DANCING TARDS, THECRIP!
TheCrip: I’m so sorry. My mom’s dog-sitter is a tard. She looks like a potato.
ThePeach: YES. You do realize that karma is going to bite us in the ass and that our own children will be tards, right?
TheCrip: Do you think if we mated that our karma would cross each other out?
ThePeach: No, I think we would breed tards with flippers. But I have a plan. It’s not illegal to drown tards, right?
TheCrip: They won’t drown if they have flippers. But we can shoot them out of potato cannons.
ThePeach: YES! And we’ll aim the cannons at cripples! We’ll kill 2 birds with 1 tard!
TheCrip: We’re going to hell.
ThePeach: I can take it.
TheCrip: And the tards will be our overlords.
ThePeach: *shudder*

I'm coming to you soon, Satan. Patience...patience...



TheCrip said...

I hope they serve beer in hell

The Peach said...

I will make it so.

thecrip said...

This is for you Peach.


All my love.


asian cymbals said...

Oh my god.

I can't believe how I giggled at this. I really thought I was a better person than that. But the part where they were dancing to "Put your hands up in the air" was too much for me. I giggled like...okay, like a giggling tard.

theHubby said...

WOW....just....WOW!. I will see you in hell...although, being a gluttonous "Catholic" with less-than-Catholic values, I may be locked in a separate compartment of hell. I hope not...

Anonymous said...

call me when you go back to writing things that are actually funny and not brutally insulting.

The Peach said...

Dear Anon.,

I will admit that I was especially offensive today and I apologize for insulting you or your morals. For real. I appreciate you expressing your opinion - that's why I have comments.

However, it's not fair of you to call this one post brutally insulting, as I am equally insulting to all minorities/underpriveleged people/crazies. I do not pick solely on tards, as I'm sure you know. You can't laugh at alcoholism and mentally unstable mothers and cripples and homeless people and amputees, and then go and get riled up about retarded people because you personally find that insulting.

Also, if you can't see that I am joking and don't seriously hate all of these people, then you clearly don't get my humor and I don't understand why you read my blog at all. Do you think I have a pact with satan for real, as well? Well...I do...but that was a bad example.

Anyway, keep your shirt on, keep reading, and, next time you feel insulted, remember that there are lots of one-armed people and people on antidepressants and crack-whores who have managed to laugh along with me.

jonathan said...

Who's the coward who posted the anonymous bitchy whine?

Grow up, you don't have to read it if you don't want to.

I love your blog, Peach. Don't let this pussy get you down.

melissa said...

i thought the post was funny. I agree with jonathan why didn't anon speak up when peach madefun of all the other unfortunate people or the racial groups?

give it to me harder said...

Maybe Anonymous lost their virginity to a tard and they masturbate to tard porn.

Put your dick up in my ass! Put your dick up! In my ass!

kim* said...

ouch, peach. that one stings. i still love you, but i love my camp kids more. let's stick with making your mom cry or the building sexual harassment suit from theboss...

social working my way out of hell,

The Legend said...


*breathes deeply*


I don't know if you guys remember when (I know you were there, but probably not sober) we were at the home football game in UniversityTown, and they had the Special Olympian doing the kick off. I thought the person was special because they were an Olympian, however, when a "special" Olympian came out and did the kickoff, I laughed until I realized it was not a joke....specifically, when nobody else around me was laughing when the ball made it 10 yards tops.

Man, this post brings back memories.

Oh, theCrip, beer is served in hell...except it's warm Fosters. You decide if it's really worth it.

weeone said...

i love how this post brought out the most comments ever seen in a peach post...

therefore there should be more tard posts.


asian cymbals said...


Put your dick up in my ass!!

More tard posts for realz. I'm finding it hilarious how NOW you've apparently crossed some line. I heart all your blog Peach, depressed cripple tard amputees and all.

Billy said...

That post just woke me up more than any bucket of coffee ever could. :)

...and i'm also really glad to see other people talk about shit like that.

PS: Nice reference, TheCrip. Excellent read...

the Legend said...

Hey, it wasn't this guy, was it?

thehippie said...

so have you ever suggested to drowned other minority groups in your blog? i think this is more of the line anon is talking about rather than just making fun of different underprivledged people. Most of you who have commented know me personally; you know what i'm like and that i'm bound to comment on this sort of stuff. so here i go.
I'm a true believer in the power of words but also of free speech. you can all write what you think and feel, i just hope you have the decency to reflect on what you think, say and write everyday. you know how you're only allowed to say nigger if you're black? ya, i believe that too.

don't worry, i'm done being preachy now.

dear peach and thecrip, you both know that i've never found this type of humour very funny but i love you both anyway and i'm fine with you guys having your fun. you both have a tendency to run off at the mouth without thinking about what you're saying or really meaning it. this post is just to add a bit more balance to the comment section.

love and kisses,

Cleavage said...

Huzzah controversy!
Isn't this just everyone's way of whistling in the dark, though? I think most of us (yes, I speak in the collective) deeply fear becoming unwed welfare mothers with bad teeth and 'tard children, so we play up just how awful it is. This helps to remind us never to go home with a townie, ever, even if your va-j-j is in danger of closing over.
I think widows and people with parkinson's are up next, Peach.

Anonymous said...

I consider myself to be a really good person and I laughed my ass off at this post. Seriously, who, of all you out there, can say with one hundred percent certainty that you have never crossed the line of what is socially acceptable while joking around with their friends? I can guarantee theres not one of you out there who hasn't wished death upon some social group...I now Ive done it too many times to count.

I dont even know you peach, but I know your blog is the funniest thing Ive ever read. for serious.

signed, a supportive anonymous