Wednesday, January 10, 2007

ThePeach Repents; Hates You

I will not apologize for making fun of mentally retarded people in my blog. If I apologized for every type of person that I was brutally insulting to, this blog would be 50% apologies, 50% offensive, and 100% bullshit. Why 100% bullshit? Because I am JOKING when I make fun of people, and my apologies would thus be FALSE. So, everything I write would be lies. Do you want me to write 100% lies? Why do you want that, you sick skanks? Lies make baby jesus cry.

But, since I have insulted some people that I care about, I will repent for this apparent sin.

I just donated $25 to the Canadian Special Olympics Foundation.

Seriously. Not kidding you. Don’t believe me? Here: https://www.dollarsatwork.org/DonationConfirmation.aspx?CCTR=1

I chose $25 because that is exactly how much money I have made off the commercials on my blog in the past year (which is sad, I know). So, every penny that this blog – and all of its hilarious offensiveness! – has earned, is being put towards the Special Olympics.

Put your hands up in the air! Put your hands UP. IN. THE. AIR.

Now, a brief word: I’m only doing this ONCE. Don’t think y’all can get all up in my grill about every other group of persons I insult and think that I will donate them all money. I’m just doing this to prove a few points:

1. I don’t hate retarded people. I don’t want to drown them. I hope my $25 buys some special olympics swimmer a set of floaties and maybe a pool noodle just so that he WON’T drown.

2. I am not totally devoid of feelings, despite being half-dead on the inside from my upbringing and slowly killing the other half of my soul via alcohol. When people get mad at me, it hurts and I get upset. Ya, that’s right. Maybe I’ll even cry later. Maybe it will be because I accidentally hit my head, but what do you people want??

3. TheHippie is probably the only one of all my friends who has a shot of making it to heaven, and I don’t want to ruin those chances for her by having her soul-mate seem like a heartless and offensive bitch. I think I read in the bible that Jesus sees us when we’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake, and knows when we’ve been bad or good…or something like that. I do know for sure that Jesus is psychic, so he totally knows what just happened. TheHippie: when you get to heaven, tell Jesus that I’m sorry about the time I stole a name-tag from the church lost-and-found when I was 12. The name-tag was “Heinz Burger”, though! I think Jesus will understand.

If anyone would like to make a donation to any other groups that I have offended, here is a list that you may find helpful:

Cripples: http://www.easterseals.com/
Amputees: http://waramps.ca/
Tards: http://www.specialolympics.ca/
Hobos: http://www.habitat.org/
Crack-Whores: http://www.unitedway.org/
Boozers: http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/?Media=PlayFlash
Jews: http://www.jewishcanada.org/section_display.html?id=1
Crazies: http://www.marchofdimes.com/
Stretch-pant wearing Skinnies: http://www.anad.org/site/anadweb/
Fatties: http://www.obesity.org/
Hookers: http://www.siamese-dream.com/harbor_house/harbor_house.html
Fuggs: http://abc.go.com/primetime/extrememakeover/casting.html

I think that about covers it.

ThePeach

10 comments:

thecrip said...

The donation is tax deductable. Just so you know.

Anonymous said...

where can I donate to help save previously funny blogs?

Anonymous said...

If that's the same anonymous person from before, you're a turd...

TheSuit said...

Anonymous, you can find the donations box to your "new" fund next to where you left your balls...

The Diva said...

it's a joke..
and she already feels bad about it
anonymous if you're going to judge. take a long look at yourself
thediva

Anonymous said...

dear thesuit,
i left my balls in your mouth last night, but i did not see a donation box in your room. please check again for me

theHubby said...

Dear Anonymous,
Please stop reading this blog, and return to a life of online gaming and trying to "stick it" to the family pet.
Love,
theHubby

ps. don't try to fool any of us into thinking you've ever had that much action from a person you weren't related to or couldn't inflate with a pump.

Anonymous said...

"If anyone would like to make a donation to any other groups that I have offended, here is a list that you may find helpful:"... now that's hilarious!!

Anonymous said...

Just for the record, I (the Anonymous from the post above where I said that's hilarious) am not that previous Anonymous person. I'm just too lazy to sign up for an account just so's I can comment. But I'm not too lazy to type a tagline. So hi, ThePeach's friends, you can call me ChocoDoc.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous, what was fantastic about last night was that I could floss with your ball hair this morning while I donated to the "fight gingivitis society" unfortunately now I have to also donate to the "crabs and herpes society for people who are offended by tuber jokes"

Pass the lemon!!!!