Wednesday, January 10, 2007

ThePeach Repents; Hates You

I will not apologize for making fun of mentally retarded people in my blog. If I apologized for every type of person that I was brutally insulting to, this blog would be 50% apologies, 50% offensive, and 100% bullshit. Why 100% bullshit? Because I am JOKING when I make fun of people, and my apologies would thus be FALSE. So, everything I write would be lies. Do you want me to write 100% lies? Why do you want that, you sick skanks? Lies make baby jesus cry.

But, since I have insulted some people that I care about, I will repent for this apparent sin.

I just donated $25 to the Canadian Special Olympics Foundation.

Seriously. Not kidding you. Don’t believe me? Here:

I chose $25 because that is exactly how much money I have made off the commercials on my blog in the past year (which is sad, I know). So, every penny that this blog – and all of its hilarious offensiveness! – has earned, is being put towards the Special Olympics.

Put your hands up in the air! Put your hands UP. IN. THE. AIR.

Now, a brief word: I’m only doing this ONCE. Don’t think y’all can get all up in my grill about every other group of persons I insult and think that I will donate them all money. I’m just doing this to prove a few points:

1. I don’t hate retarded people. I don’t want to drown them. I hope my $25 buys some special olympics swimmer a set of floaties and maybe a pool noodle just so that he WON’T drown.

2. I am not totally devoid of feelings, despite being half-dead on the inside from my upbringing and slowly killing the other half of my soul via alcohol. When people get mad at me, it hurts and I get upset. Ya, that’s right. Maybe I’ll even cry later. Maybe it will be because I accidentally hit my head, but what do you people want??

3. TheHippie is probably the only one of all my friends who has a shot of making it to heaven, and I don’t want to ruin those chances for her by having her soul-mate seem like a heartless and offensive bitch. I think I read in the bible that Jesus sees us when we’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake, and knows when we’ve been bad or good…or something like that. I do know for sure that Jesus is psychic, so he totally knows what just happened. TheHippie: when you get to heaven, tell Jesus that I’m sorry about the time I stole a name-tag from the church lost-and-found when I was 12. The name-tag was “Heinz Burger”, though! I think Jesus will understand.

If anyone would like to make a donation to any other groups that I have offended, here is a list that you may find helpful:

Stretch-pant wearing Skinnies:

I think that about covers it.



thecrip said...

The donation is tax deductable. Just so you know.

Anonymous said...

where can I donate to help save previously funny blogs?

Anonymous said...

If that's the same anonymous person from before, you're a turd...

TheSuit said...

Anonymous, you can find the donations box to your "new" fund next to where you left your balls...

The Diva said...

it's a joke..
and she already feels bad about it
anonymous if you're going to judge. take a long look at yourself

Anonymous said...

dear thesuit,
i left my balls in your mouth last night, but i did not see a donation box in your room. please check again for me

theHubby said...

Dear Anonymous,
Please stop reading this blog, and return to a life of online gaming and trying to "stick it" to the family pet.

ps. don't try to fool any of us into thinking you've ever had that much action from a person you weren't related to or couldn't inflate with a pump.

Anonymous said...

"If anyone would like to make a donation to any other groups that I have offended, here is a list that you may find helpful:"... now that's hilarious!!

Anonymous said...

Just for the record, I (the Anonymous from the post above where I said that's hilarious) am not that previous Anonymous person. I'm just too lazy to sign up for an account just so's I can comment. But I'm not too lazy to type a tagline. So hi, ThePeach's friends, you can call me ChocoDoc.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous, what was fantastic about last night was that I could floss with your ball hair this morning while I donated to the "fight gingivitis society" unfortunately now I have to also donate to the "crabs and herpes society for people who are offended by tuber jokes"

Pass the lemon!!!!