I have a somewhat addictive personality. I don’t mean to say that people find my personality addictive to be around; no. Although I don’t know why they don’t, the motherfuckers. I’m goddamn charming. What I mean, though, is that I am the kind of person who becomes easily addicted to things. I’m sure this has something to do with my wholesome childhood of going to the ‘pones (“Daddy, if my pony wins can we finally go to Disneyworld?” “Shhh…Daddy is talking to his bookie”), playing the lottery (“Peach, you’re my good-luck girl! Now scratch me another gold bar and I’ll take you to Disneyworld!” *scratch* “Daddy, it’s a cherry” “Daddy doesn’t love you anymore”), and gambling with relatives on Christmas Day (“Peach, you owe Uncle Mike 20 bucks”).
The point is that I get sucked into things very, very easily. I buy Cash for Life tickets about once a week; I never win. I enter online contests every day; I never win. When I go to casinos (which I should never be allowed to do), I eagerly cash my savings into buckets of quarters which I breathlessly empty into the shiny slot machines; I never win. I enter draws, I bet, I gamble, and I NEVER WIN. EVER. But does it stop me? Fuck no! All this means is that my time is coming and my luck is bound to change and Jesus Christ I might have a gambling problem.
Anyway. I am also addicted to caffeine. Precious nectar of good, life force of all things; caffeine is my saviour. I need it. It is necessary for my daily functioning, unless I want to function at a level I could describe as “haggishly crusty and tardishly slow”. Caffeine is the spring in my step, the twinkle in my eye, and the ‘fuck’ in my ‘mullafuck’. It is the potty to my mouth, if you will. But that sounds wrong, like I drink urine. Which I don’t.
Despite my addictions, I have been able to manage them in a way which still allows me to function normally. Except for the 2 months/year where Tim Hortons owns my soul and I am powerless against the forces of all-consuming evil.
Rrroll up the Rim.
Rrroll up the Rim combines my two greatest weaknesses, caffeine and gambling, into one holy antichrist of a paper cup. It is not a good time for me. Some of you may recall how, in an effort to win, I drank so much fucking tea during Rrroll up the Rim last year that I developed a medically concerning eye twitch. My doctor strongly suggested that I cut down, but what the fuck did she know!? I would have the last laugh as I drove past her office in my new Rav-4, throwing an empty cup out the window and adjusting my eye patch. Anyway, despite drinking 3-4 large steeped teas per day (“Mrs.Chen. Your garden’s looking steeped.”), I LOST EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! All around me, people were winning donuts and coffees and all I had achieved was a neurological condition. Every time I eagerly rrrolled my goddamn rrrim and saw another “Please play again” I would hurl my cup across the office and swear like I had Tourette’s. My eye twitch finally subsided when rrroll up the rim ended, but the shame never went away. No; the humility remains.
This year, I decided not to get caught up in the whirlwind. If last year I got an eye twitch, what would this year bring? Incontinence? Seizures? Plus, I never win. Anything. Ever. And I should really save the money for more important things, like my alcohol addiction. So, I made the firm decision not to go to Tim Horton’s during Rrrape Me and confidently told all of my friends and coworkers that I would be abstaining.
I Make Lies.
The first 2 teas were against my will. They really were. They were bought for me by TheBoss, and it doesn’t count if I don’t buy it myself. I guzzled the precious caffeine and rrrolled the rrrims. I lost. Shocker. I figured the universe was trying to tell me something, and I reaffirmed my promise not to go back.
Then my office mate started winning. She won a coffee. She won a coffee again. I started getting the hand shakes. When she walked over to claim her next coffee, I thought I’d go with her. For the walk. To stretch my legs. To get out of the office. To prove to myself that I could go to TimHo’s without buying anything.
ThePeach: I really am not getting anything. I’m just going with you for the walk.
ThePeach: I really don’t want to go down this road again, you know?
OfficeMate: I understand.
ThePeach: I mean, that eye twitch was pretty fucking crazy. And I never win, ever. I’m just wasting my money and hurting my neurons.
OfficeMate: That eye twitch was hilarious.
ThePeach: It kind of was. But I think the universe is trying to tell me that I should just give up and stop gambling, you know?
OfficeMate: *to TimHo’s employee* Large Steeped.
ThePeach: Make that two. Extra sugar.
ThePeach: THE UNIVERSE FUCKING OWES ME A CAR OR AN IPOD, DAMNIT!!!! IT’S MY TIME!!! I CAN FEEL IT!!! MY LUCK IS GOING TO CHANGE!!! OH GOD, I FEEL SO ALIVE!!! *guzzles tea* OHHHH YAAAA THAT’S GOOD!!!
OfficeMate: *rrrolls* I won a coffee.
ThePeach: *rrrolls*…MOTHERFUCK!!!! *throws cup at wall*
ThePeach’s Eye: *twitch*
And it begins.