Thursday, March 15, 2007

ThePeach's Mom Is Difficult To Talk To

My mom is coming to visit me this weekend. She called me on Monday to inform me of this:

Mom: I’m watching a documentary about sea-kelp. I’m coming to visit you this weekend.
ThePeach: What?
Mom: I’m watching a documentary about sea kelp. It’s very interesting…*zones out*
ThePeach: Mom? Mom! MOM!
Mom: Huh?
ThePeach: You’re coming to visit me?
Mom: Yes, this weekend.
ThePeach: *grits teeth* We’ve covered that part. Why are you coming? When? Are you staying with me?
Mom: Let’s play it by ear…bye, sweetie! *click*
ThePeach: What?

She called me again the next day.

Mom: How’s Potter?
ThePeach: Who?
Mom: Potter. How is she?
ThePeach: What?
Mom: Potter, your cat. Is she still throwing up?
ThePeach: *balls fists* My cat’s name is Milo and he’s a boy. I’ve had him for a year now. And yes of course he’s throwing up. It’s all he does.
Mom: Who’s Potter?
ThePeach: My ex-boyfriend’s cat. The ex I broke up with 3 years ago.
Mom: Oh. *zones out*
ThePeach: Mom? Mom! MOM!
Mom: Hi sweetie.
ThePeach: *bangs head on wall* Mom, are you watching tv?
Mom:…*zones out*
ThePeach: MOM!!!!????
Mom: We’re watching a hockey game.
ThePeach: What’s the score?
Mom:…*zones out*…what?
ThePeach: *mutters a Hail Mary* Mom, are you coming to visit me this weekend?
Mom: Yes, I want to buy you some dress clothes for work.
ThePeach: But I don’t wear dress clothes to work.
Mom: I know you have a hard time finding dress pants that fit. I want to help you find some dress pants. I’d like that.
ThePeach: I don’t wear dress pants.
Mom: I know you like looking nice at work. I’ll help you get some new dress pants.
ThePeach: I work in a basement office. In a building full of students. The professors don’t wear dress pants. I really would have nowhere to wear them.
Mom: Let’s look in The Gap. They have such nice dress clothes.
ThePeach: Oh my god.
Mom: Is Potter still shedding? Because if she is I’m just going to stay in a B&B. My allergies will bother me too much if Potter is still shedding a lot.
ThePeach:…Potter is still shedding a lot.
Mom: Darn.
ThePeach: Indeed.

And then, today:

ThePeach: Are you getting here Friday?
Mom: Yes.
ThePeach: What do you want to do?
Mom: …let’s play it by ear.
ThePeach:…do you still want to go shopping?
Mom: Oh, that’s a nice idea.
ThePeach:…ya. Do you want to go out for dinner?
Mom: *zones out*
ThePeach: Mom? Mom! MOM!!
Mom: I’m reading a book right now. It’s very good.
ThePeach: *swears under breath* Do you want to go out for dinner?
Mom: Sure, honey.
ThePeach: Ok, where? Have you been craving anything in particular?
Mom: Or we could make dinner.
ThePeach: …really?
Mom: Well, I guess that would be easier.
ThePeach: What would?
Mom: Going out for dinner.
ThePeach: *puts down phone, screams into pillow, pick up phone* And are we still meeting up with Grandpa and TigerCat for brunch on Saturday?
Mom: Yes, at 1.
ThePeach: But Grandpa’s email said 12. He always comes at 12.
Mom: We’re going at 1. For lunch.
ThePeach: I thought we were going for brunch.
Mom: Lunch.
ThePeach: But the email said brunch. At 12.
Mom: Lunch. At 1.
ThePeach: So are we not going to the Grandpa’s favourite brunch restaurant? The one he takes me to every 2 weeks when he comes to see me for brunch?
Mom: Do they serve brunch?
ThePeach: OH MY GOD. We have been there for brunch! Together! Grandpa takes me there every 2 weeks for brunch! BRUNCH! YOU KNOW THIS!!!
Mom: It’s so sweet.
ThePeach: WHAT IS???
Mom: That he takes you out for brunch every 2 weeks.
Mom: Lunch. At 1.
ThePeach: *sob*
Mom: Bye, sweetie!

Afterwards, I relayed the convo over msn to TigerCat.

TigerCat: She’s really going fucking crazy.
ThePeach: I want to punch her.
TigerCat: Seriously, I think she is going insane. Like medically, for real.
ThePeach: Punch her right in the temporal lobe.
TigerCat: Seriously, I think she has medical problems. I’m worried.
ThePeach: Multiple punches to the lobe.
TigerCat: She told me her depression is bad again. She’s on antidepressants.
ThePeach: She’s been on antidepressants for 15 years.
TigerCat: Well, they’re not fucking working! Bitch is fucking loony!
ThePeach: Seriously…just one swift hit to the lobe.
TigerCat: She’s seeing a shrink, too.
ThePeach: Well he’s working fabulously. Where did she find him? She probably put as much research into this as she did planning our family vacations.
TigerCat: The one where she took us to the airport a day too early and we ran out of money and had to sleep in dorm rooms? Or the one where I got electrocuted in our hotel?
ThePeach: She probably saw an ad for the shrink on the side of a bus.
TigerCat: Probably.
ThePeach: And when she got there he was a real estate agent.

Can’t wait to go shopping for dress pants,



thepilot said...

Dress pants can be hot! You should take advantage of this opportunity.

Cleavage said...

I had a variation on this conversation with my mom yesterday.
mom: So how is The Englishman?
me: He doesn't get here til tomorrow.
mom: Right, yeah.
me: So, about the *Important Thing* you're coming up for this weekend.
mom: Omigod the cat just did the cutest thing...
me: It STARTS at four. Do you remember last year, when you arrived ten minutes before the show and had craptastic seats and complained that I told you to sit on the wrong side but you just hadn't read my email and then you crapped out on the dinner plans for which I had already ditched my friends? Do you remember?
mom: Ok, so we'll be there at quarter to four.
This was while I was at work, and when she was done ignoring the detailed email I'd sent her earlier in the day, and also the WORDS THAT WERE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH, she began repeating stories she'd told me when we spoke two days before, and then getting annoyed when I 'ruined the endings'.
They're dangerous when they start repeating.
ps: Totally take her up on the offer of new pants on her tab. Why not?

Billy said...

I need a drink after reading that...

Like, badly.

The Peach said...

And people wonder why I'm an alcoholic.

violent asian cymbals said...

This was really infuriating to read. My god, I want to punch someone now too!

Anonymous said...

Sounds like your dear mommy may have ADHD...


the Legend said...'re telling me that not all moms are that hard to talk to? I just assumed that it was the generation gap....or something....

kim* said...

is noone else on the edge of their seats waiting for the hilarity that was the peach's mom's visit??? what a tease...