Thursday, May 03, 2007

ThePeach Has a Disturbing Conversation; Fears Clowns

I’ve always found clowns completely creepy. Seriously, they creep the hell out of me. The painted smile, the crazy hair, the big shoes - what the shit is with that? I remember once I was in this parade (ya, I used to be in parades. I held a flag and wore a short skirt. I was usually drunk. This is a story for another time.) and some fucking creepy clown took a liking to me. He pranced behind me, mocking my flag-holding, got all up in my face with his painted grin, honked a bicycle horn in my ear, and threw M&Ms at me. I didn’t know whether to shit my pants or stab a stake through his heart (that’s how you kill clowns, right?).

Anyway, my point is that I really don’t like clowns. I’m not terrified of them, like TheHippie is, but I really hate them. A lot.

Last Saturday, TheHippie, TheHubby and I watched an SNL skit where they made fun of McDonalds and referred to a “McJob” as the act of receiving oral sex from a clown. This got us to thinking. What would it really be like to receive oral from a clown? The answer: terrifying and also hilarious.

ThePeach: Can you imagine looking between your legs and seeing a clown’s face looking back up at you?
TheHippie: *scream*
TheHubby: Would he smile the entire time?
TheHippie: *scream*
ThePeach: I think he would make funny noises while he did it. Like motorboat noises. Or slide whistle noises. *wheeeeee!!* (imitation of slide whistle)
TheHippie: *scream*
TheHubby: Can you imagine a clown’s voice asking you: “Hey, Hey, boys and girls! Are you coming yet?!” *said in high-pitched clown voice*
TheHippie: *scream*
ThePeach: I like to think he would also honk a bicycle horn.
TheHippie: *scream*
TheHubby: And, in the background, the circus theme music would be playing. *do do do-do-do-do do do DO DO*
TheHippie: *scream*
ThePeach: Do you think his makeup would smear? Like you’d look at your own genitals and there would be a copy of the clown’s face imprinted on you?
TheHippie: *scream*
TheHubby: For foreplay he’d perform magic! Like he’d pull a string of brightly-coloured scarves out of your vag.
TheHippie: *scream*
ThePeach: God, this is really getting disturbing. Seriously, I’m slightly terrified. Maybe even terrified enough to never want oral again.
TheHubby: Me too.
ThePeach: Well, that’s clearly a lie.
TheHubby: No shit.
ThePeach: Is anyone else craving McNuggets?
TheHippie: *sobs gently into a pillow*

I’m loving it.



Billy said...

It scares me that I might never be able to look at clowns the same way again... or at least not without picturing how their makeup would look smeared around my junk.....

Anonymous said...

Or to make it all technical and stuff, you appear to be suffering from a case of coulrophobia.
- Chocodoc

thehippie said...

why? why? why?

oh god, im looking at another sleepless night...