Tuesday, September 18, 2007

ThePeach's Parents are Supportive; Soothing

The fact that I turn 25 in 2 weeks is disturbing on its own. When you add the loving phone calls I've been getting from my parents about my 'milestone' birthday to the mix, things start getting downright horrifying. 'Britney in a bikini' kind of horrifying.

And now, I give you: ThePeach's Monday Night.

Phone: *ring*
ThePeach: *eating corn flakes/watching tv/"studying"*
Phone: *RING*
ThePeach: No.
Phone: *RING!!*
Milo: *attack!!* Feel my wrath, phone!! Mullafucka!!
ThePeach: Shh...it's tv time.
Phone: *RIIIING!!!!*
Milo: Ah, I see we have a fighter-phone. I kill you! I kill you! *attack!!*
ThePeach: *prys phone out of Milo's mouth. checks call display* Fuck me. God give me strength for the trial I am about to endure. *presses Talk* Hello?
ThePeach's Mom: HI HONEY!!
ThePeach: *wince* Mom, there's really no need to yell. I can hear you just fine.
ThePeach's Mom: BUT YOUR PHONE IS SO QUIET!!
ThePeach: THEN I'LL TALK LOUDER. YOU DON'T NEED TO. TRY TURNING OFF THE TV. I CAN HEAR THE LAUGH-TRACK TO CORNER GAS FROM HERE.
ThePeach's Mom: WHAT??
ThePeach: TURN DOWN CORNER GAS!
ThePeach's Mom: WHAT??
ThePeach: ARE YOU GODDAMN DEAF?? BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO BE! TURN DOWN CORNER GAS!
ThePeach's Mom: WHAT??? HONEY, I CAN'T HEAR YOU! HANG ON, I'LL TRY TURNING DOWN CORNER GAS.
ThePeach: *lifts arms to throw phone through window. Considers possible consequences. Reluctantly lowers arm*
ThePeach's Mom: IS THAT BETTER?
ThePeach: You're still yelling.
ThePeach's Mom: CAN YOU BELIEVE YOU TURN 25 IN 2 WEEKS!!?? YOU'RE A QUARTER OF A CENTURY!!
ThePeach: I know.
ThePeach's Mom: WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I HAD 2 KIDS.
ThePeach: And it worked out so well for you.
ThePeach's Mom: WHAT?
ThePeach: Nothing. Go on.
ThePeach's Mom: I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT YOU SHOULDN'T FEEL UNACCOMPLISHED JUST BECAUSE I HAD 2 KIDS AT 25.
ThePeach: I don't.
ThePeach's Mom: I HAD 2 KIDS AT 25, BUT YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE 2 DEGREES. THAT'S JUST AS GOOD.
ThePeach: *silence*
ThePeach's Mom: CORNER GAS IS BACK ON! I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW! *click*
ThePeach: Sweet merciful christ. *puts down phone*
Milo: *attack!!*

An hour later...

Phone: *ring*
ThePeach: *eating more cornflakes/studying for real*
Phone: *ring!*
ThePeach: No.
Milo: *carefully licks his pooper* I'm busy now, phone, but I'll kill you later.
Phone: *RING!*
ThePeach: *checks call display* Oh, it's just Dad. Phew. *Presses talk* Hello?
ThePeach's Dad: Chovincinquo! How's-a-my-Cov?
ThePeach: I'm good, Dad. How are you?
ThePeach's Dad: Eh, I'm going to Vancouver next week.
ThePeach: To visit your girlfriend?
ThePeach's Dad: Eh, I might try to see her. It depends how many rounds of golf I can play after smoking a joint with St. Jacques. I might not have time.
ThePeach: That's...great.
ThePeach's Dad: Can you believe you turn 25 in 2 weeks! You're a quarter of a century!
ThePeach: *exhales through teeth* I know.
ThePeach's Dad: My little Cov! 25!
ThePeach: You know what Mom told me today? She told me not to feel bad about being 25 and not having 2 kids like her, because she may have had 2 kids at 25 but I'll have 2 degrees.
ThePeach's Dad: What the fuck does that even mean? Why would she say that?
ThePeach: *feels the rare warmth of being understood by a parent* I know!!
ThePeach's Dad: She didn't even WANT kids!
ThePeach:...
ThePeach's Dad: Oh, right. Sorry. *laughs hysterically*
ThePeach:...

So, that was my night. My mom hints that I'm on my way to being a barren spinster because I chose an education over a prematurely disastrous foray into motherhood, and my Dad's words of comfort are to inform me that I was an unwanted pregnancy. I guess I should just be thankful that I wasn't born with a rusty coat-hanger lodged in my head.

Although I do suffer from mysterious headaches and have several unexplained scars...

ThePeach

1 comment:

Billy said...

Although I do suffer from mysterious headaches and have several unexplained scars...

I call this Sunday morning....