Thursday, October 25, 2007

ThePeach is Conflicted about Hallowe'en

Ok. I have a problem.

Hallowe'en is yet again upon us, and since this year I won't be spending it dry heaving and sobbing myself to sleep, I plan to go all out and dress up and get drunk and...probably dry heave and sob myself to sleep. But as a result of too much vodka and pot and ass, not from being broken hearted. Ah, yes. I have a wide range of emotions; all of which involve vodka and most of which end in vom and tears. Healthy.

What's funny (in a kick to the labia kind of way) is that FauxHawk keeps forgetting that we were broken up at this time last year. Bless his soul; he has a poor memory. So, he keeps asking me to remind him what "we" dressed up as last year and which party "we" went to. He forgets that my Hallowe'en last year was not very festive. So, like a good girlfriend, I tactfully remind him.

FauxHawk: What should I dress as this year?
ThePeach: AIDS?
FauxHawk: No...too complicated. What did you go out as last year, again?
ThePeach: Single.

or

FauxHawk: Should we do a couple costume this year?
ThePeach: Can we be dead Anna Nicole and Larry what-his-face with the fug baby??!!!
FauxHawk: No...too boring. What did I go out as last year?
ThePeach: Remorseful.

or

FauxHawk: Should we go to the MedsHouse party this year?
ThePeach: Maybe. Does the girl's bathroom have a door yet?
FauxHawk: Where did we go last year?
ThePeach: Our seperate ways.

You get the idea.

But I digress. I have a problem.

As I have mentioned before, FauxHawk is a wee bit metro. He enjoys loofas, designer shaving cream, and manly lip balms. He gleefully sports velvet jackets over tshirts that say "Smile if You're Gay". His hair is perfectly sculpted and he always smells fresh. Don't get me wrong - I enjoy all of these qualities. Except maybe for the loofah. But who wouldn't enjoy a fresh-smelling, well-dressed, soft-lipped boyfriend?

Unfortunately, when you combine these factors with FauxHawk's chosen profession of gyna doctor, he can be mistaken for a homo. Now, my boyfriend is not gay. NOT GAY. He's a well-dressed, fresh-smelling, soft-skinned bundle of heterosexual man-power. We have heterosexual sex. I know this because I am there when it happens. Once, he slept with a stripper. True story. This was before we were together.

Anyway, as you can see I am pretty defensive about FauxHawk's metro image. So I am sure you can understand why I am so distraught about his choice of Hallowe'en costume this year.

FauxHawk wants to dress up as Richard Simmons.



I'm just so...I don't know...oh god...there are no words.

It's a great costume idea, for sure. It will be hilarious. But...ya.

Well, it gets worse. FauxHawk has a huge exam this weekend and is on call a lot this week, so he has asked me to go buy his costume for him. He has requested that I look for tight, shiny shorts and a man-tank and an afro wig.

I'm so conflicted. I want to be a good girlfriend and buy my man his homo costume. I want him to be happy on Hallowe'en.

What I don't want is to go to a department store and ask the salesman for help buying shiny shorts ("As short at possible, please.") for my boyfriend. What I don't want is to peruse the man-tanks for the shirt that I think will make my boyfriend look the most gay. What I don't want is to try on X-large women's running shorts to see if they have enough room for FauxHawk's junk.

I feel like, if I do this, I'm just asking for it. If I do this, 5 years from now FauxHawk will announce to the world that he's gay and all my friends will whisper "remember when she bought him those sequined women's shorts?"

I just...I'm so...oh god, hold me.

ThePeach

7 comments:

T said...

Oh Peach! *Sobs and wipes tears from eyes* ... you've made my day! LOL :D

The Diva said...

no way! faux hawk has slept with a stripper?

Tigercat said...

I like how the shocking news of this blog was the stripper sex and not the outfit choice ... I kid, I kid. But seriously, it will be a hilarious costume and a great party!

The Diva said...

honestly tigercat...are you REALLY surprised by the costume choice?

the stripper sex...threw me a bit

the party...i'll be honest..not the best...you treat it like a novelty...hang out for a bit....go for ten minutes...get sweated on and vomited on and then you go somewhere more fun...like a bar the smells like urine pucks...hmmm...now where could that possibly be
miss you and i wish I could be there!

Cleavage said...

At least he's not going as Barbara Streisand...

thebitch said...

ahahaha
that's awesome.
so did you end up getting his costume for him?

business voip services said...

Sobs and wipes tears from eyes,faux hawk has slept with a stripper?