Friday, November 16, 2007

This is going to be random.

Yesterday was interesting. I had tons of work and was feeling sleepy, so I went to Tim Hortons for a large hit of speed. I was just going to get a large tea to give me energies to get through the day, but my uterus made me also buy cookies. I was a little annoyed with my uterus at that point, but those cookies sure looked tasty and, really, two cookies are unlikely to give me an extra chin or roll of back-fat. So I gave myself a little justifying pep-talk.

ThePeach: Peach, you’ve had a hard week. You have lots of work to do. You deserve two gooey TimWhore’s cookies. Two cookies won’t kill you.
Uterus: YA MOTHERFUCKER!!! EAT THAT SHIZ!!!
ThePeach: And really, Peach, you’re still pretty far off from becoming morbidly obese. Enjoy a treat every once in a while.
Uterus: ENJOY TWELVE TREATS, BITCH!!! I WANT GRAVY NOW!!!
ThePeach: Shh, Uterus…shhh…have a cookie.
Uterus: FUCKIN’ A!!!!

So, I nibbled on my cookies and walked back to my office.

Unfortunately, I passed one of god’s little practical jokes on the way back: a bake sale.

Uterus: STOP. STOP RIGHT NOW. STOP!!!
ThePeach: Oh god…oh god no…must…keep…walking…don’t…want…chins…
Uterus: STOP OR THE PELVIS GETS IT!!!
ThePeach: I won’t listen to your threats, uterus!
Uterus: OHHH BITCH, YOU’RE GONNA REGRET SAYING THAT. HERE COMES THE PAIN!!!
Pelvis: *screams in agony*
ThePeach: *to bake sale salesperson* Here’s all the change I have. Give me as much as you can fit in my backpack.
Uterus: *purrs*

Ok, so then I ate 6 cookies. That wasn’t as easily justifiable. And, since I am squeezing into a very tight dress tomorrow, this meant I had to take my most hated course of action.

I would have to go run on the motherfucking treadmill that night. Motherfuck!!!

But first I had to get through my day of work. I was literally up to my asshole in papers to write, so I was feeling the stress. This was not helped by an afternoon visit from TheBoss:

TheBoss: *opens office door* Hi, Peach!
ThePeach: shmyfglygrofsshh (mouth packed full of cookie)
TheBoss: I have to go do some running around. I’ll be back for my kids in a few hours.
ThePeach: *spits out cookie* excuse me?
TheBoss’Spawns: *scream and run into office*
TheBoss: Bye!
ThePeach: OH MY GOD.
TheBoss’Spawns: *scream, hit Peach with umbrellas*

Ya. My boss dumped his two young sons on me for the afternoon. They are 4 and 7 years old. I think you can imagine by now, through getting to know me through my blog, just how much I love young children. Young boys are demented hellions. Now factor into the equation that these young boys are the offspring of TheBoss. They spent the next 2 hours screaming and destroying my office, while I anxiously begged everyone on my msn list to come to my office and put a bullet in my eye.

So, that was fun.

Afterwards, I went home and weeped gently onto my futon while Milo attacked my feet. It was a sad scene.

So, then I went to the gym. That was also a sad scene. Those cookies did not appreciate being shaken up in my gullet on the treadmill. They did not appreciate it AT ALL. My uterus was also pretty pissed.

ThePeach: *wheeze* run….run bitch…run like the wind…
Uterus: WHAT ARE YOU DOING????!!!
ThePeach: *pant* run…keep running…don’t die…ignore that wedgie…
Uterus: OH MY GOD!! WHY???
ThePeach: *cough* run…run…ok, maybe pick that wedgie because it’s starting to seriously hurt, but for the love of god, keep running…
Uterus: STOP!!! STOP THIS!!! STOP RIGHT NOW!!
ThePeach: *dry-heave* run….run bitch…run away from the chins…
Uterus: JUST FOR THIS I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU INFERTILE!!!

Ok. So, after that debacle I went home and worked on essays all night. That wasn’t very fun, either. FauxHawk came over around 11 and I was very glad to see him. We went to bed. But first, I drank some chakra tea.

I need to explain about the chakra tea. TheHippie (who else?) bought me a package of chakra tea for my birthday. 3 days ago I decided to try the “sexual” chakra tea, just for fun. It promised to awaken my sexual chakra (which is chakra number 2, in case anyone wants to look it up). I was pretty skeptical, but I figured what the fuck. Let’s see if TheHippie’s lesbian tea could get me laid.

My friends, it did. I don’t know if it was just a placebo effect, or if “chakra number 2” is Sanskrit for “put it in me”, but I essentially raped FauxHawk two nights in a row. I don’t think he minded. At least, he didn’t say anything, but I might have been muffling his voice by sitting on his face. He’s such a good sport.

Anyway, last night he came over and I was hoping to have a 3-night run. So I guzzled more chakra tea and jumped anxiously into bed.

FauxHawk was already asleep. Poor little lamb, I guess I wore him out those past two nights. Plus the whole “doctor” thing is tiring, I guess. So I was a good girlfriend and woke him up gently.

ThePeach: *slaps FauxHawk*
FauxHawk: zzzzz..huh what??!!!
ThePeach: Oh, sorry…were you sleeping?
FauxHawk: Yes.
ThePeach: *strokes FauxHawk gently* sorry….
FauxHawk: That’s ok…what…do you want?
ThePeach: Sex.
FauxHawk:zzzz…huh?
ThePeach: I’d like some sex, please.
FauxHawk: But…I’m sleeping…so tired…
ThePeach: I shaved!!!
FauxHawk: zzzzz…
ThePeach: *raises face to god* I SHAVED!!!!!

So, that was a lost cause. I lay in bed with the chakra number 2 tea coursing through my veins and anger coursing through my mind. I just drank a steaming mug of sexual prowess and had no outlet. FauxHawk snored gently beside me.

And then…poetic justice arrived in the form of a stinky monster named Milo.

Milo usually sleeps on the bed, and usually on top of me. It’s the one time each day where he’s cute. Last night, Milo jumped into the bed and crawled across FauxHawk’s dozing body. Milo started purring. The purring got louder. The bed started shaking.

Milo was homo-raping FauxHawk’s leg. Perhaps he drank the remnants of my number two chakra tea.

FauxHawk woke up to the sound of my hysterical laughter.

FauxHawk: What…what the fuck?
ThePeach: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Milo: *hump*
FauxHawk: Why is the bed shaking?
ThePeach: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Milo: *hump*
FauxHawk: Oh…my god…
ThePeach: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Milo: *hump*
FauxHawk: Is he…am I being…oh my god…
ThePeach: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Milo: *hump*

Oh, Milo. What a good kitten. This is what happens when you refuse my sex. My cat homo-rapes you.

At least someone got laid.

Anyway, Milo tired himself out pretty quickly and curled up to have a post-coital sleep on my stomach. I was no longer angry, and I told FauxHawk that I loved him and let him fall back asleep.

He’d been through enough that night.

ThePeach

4 comments:

That girl... said...

I know what I want for Christmas, Peach!!! You better bring me some of that shiz when you're visiting - it can be an apartment-warming prezzie ;)

asian cymbals said...

Haaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaaa!!!!

Oh excellent.

I still think you should have pulled some porn up on your internet browser and explained to TheBoss'Spawns how babies are made.

But chakra tea you say? My man is not so responsive with the sex lately. That might do the trick!!

CresceNet said...

Oi, achei seu blog pelo google está bem interessante gostei desse post. Gostaria de falar sobre o CresceNet. O CresceNet é um provedor de internet discada que remunera seus usuários pelo tempo conectado. Exatamente isso que você leu, estão pagando para você conectar. O provedor paga 20 centavos por hora de conexão discada com ligação local para mais de 2100 cidades do Brasil. O CresceNet tem um acelerador de conexão, que deixa sua conexão até 10 vezes mais rápida. Quem utiliza banda larga pode lucrar também, basta se cadastrar no CresceNet e quando for dormir conectar por discada, é possível pagar a ADSL só com o dinheiro da discada. Nos horários de minuto único o gasto com telefone é mínimo e a remuneração do CresceNet generosa. Se você quiser linkar o Cresce.Net(www.provedorcrescenet.com) no seu blog eu ficaria agradecido, até mais e sucesso. If is possible add the CresceNet(www.provedorcrescenet.com) in your blogroll, I thank. Good bye friend.

Cleavage said...

The tea was clearly just balancing your chakras by inflicting some karmic justice on Fauxhawk. And Milo? A not-so-innocent tool!