Thursday, December 06, 2007

Milo Hates Chanukah Part 2

Who remembers an entry I wrote around this time last year where I said that Milo hates Chanukah? I included this charming picture of of my cat, taken by FauxHawk the Jew (encouraged by Peach the Whore).

Milo does not look pleased surrounded by Chanukah paraphenalia. In fact, I would like to suggest that, in this picture, there should be a thought bubble floating above the cat's head that reads: "First I'm going to bite off your face and then I'm going to poop in your Yamulkah".

Hence my conclusion that Milo hates Chanukah.

I would like to take this opportunity to point out that I do not hate Chanukah. I thoroughly enjoy the festive holiday and the potatoes fried in oil that we gorge upon to commemorate the miracle of oil. Maybe it's the miracle of potatoes. I'm not clear on that one. I also enjoy the Chanukah songs that are sung at this time of year. Such as this oldie from a "multicultural politically correct holiday-inspired" play TigerCat starred in at the tender age of 10:

Light the candle

Spin the dreidel

Celebrate our victory tonight!

For our history

And our freedom

Light the candle see the light!

This year on the second night of Chanukah, FauxHawk came over to my apartment so that we could grill paninis on my new panini press (!!). He brought his menorah and some jew-candles so that he could burn the candles as we made dinner. Milo seemed pretty engrossed in trying to disembowel a twist-tie as we lit the candles, so we felt assured that he was in no immediate danger. He soon grew tired of the twist-tie, but then he was focused on trying to suck the cheese out of my panini with his little stinky-asshole mouth. I was focused on trying to punt the kitten across the room.

Back off. Get your own sandwich.

And then...this:

Milo: *suckles on ThePeach's Panini while ThePeach has her head turned* CHEESE!!! CHEESE!!!

ThePeach: *turns back to panini* YOU SONOFABITCH SHIT-FUCKING AWFUL CAT!! *punt*

Milo: *acts dejected for .2 seconds* TWIST-TIE!!! TWIST-TIE!!! *picks up twist-tie in mouth and trots away happily*

5 minutes later...

FauxHawk: Where's the cat?

ThePeach: *mouth full of panini* Dunno. Hell?


So, to summarize, Milo stuck his face into the flames of the Menorah and singed off all of his left-side eyebrow whiskers. His right-side eyebrows are long, white, and lustrous (like the old japanese man that he is), and his left-side eyebrows are short stubs with melty ends that smell like burnt plastic.

After the tard stuck his face in fire, he yelped and leaped around the room and then took cover under the couch, where it is a well-known fact that Menorahs can't find you. He was mighty angry for the rest of the night. Plus, cats use their whiskers to judge space, so I expect him to bump into walls and other objects until his stubby eyebrows grow back to their original bushiness.

If Milo didn't hate Chanukah before, he sure does now. Chanukah burned off his eyebrows and took away his depth perception.

Light the kitten

Spin the dreidel

Celebrate out victory tonight!

For our history

and our freedom

Light the kitten see the light!

Also, even though Milo stuck his reetee face into the flame of the candle, the candle STAYED LIT. What a Chanukah miracle of potatoes!!! No wait, light. I meant to say light.

Everybody sing along! Light the kitten...



Tigercat said...

Light the kitten see the light!!!

I think god is punishing you for celebrating two religions with animal torture.

That or Milo is a tard? Whatever.

Tania said...

You and your cat were meant for each other ;)

meOw? said...