Friday, January 25, 2008

ThePeach Finds a New Miracle Diet

After not posting for over a month and carefully weighing each recent event in my life, I have decided that the most important thing to share with you is my discovery of Kraft LiveActive Probiotic Cheese.

Remember how I said that I am a suggestible person who will buy and believe anything a commercial tells me? I am a marketing researcher’s dream. Well, this month an advertisement in a magazine told me to buy Kraft LiveActive Probiotic Cheese. The advertisement promised me the following:

- Improved digestive health
- Improved intestinal transit, or “regularity”
- Enhanced immune system
- Same great “cheese taste”!

Now, being a slightly neurotic and weight-obsessed harpy, I chose to interpret the claims as such:

- Improved digestive health = less bloat, smaller gunt, happier life.
- Improved intestinal transit = weeee! Poop! And also less bloat, smaller gunt, happier life.
- Enhanced Immune System = You had me at smaller gunt.
- Same great “cheese taste” = Whatever. I’m gonna poop more!

This probiotic cheese seems like some kind of god-send. Seriously, I think god lovingly churned this cheese just for me. Finally there is a product out there that combines my two greatest loves: cheese and regularity. And, in my mind, I have found my new miracle diet food. Cheese as diet food. The concept blows my mind and makes my heart all a-flutter. No wait, that’s just my arteries clogging. *thump* Theeere we go.

So, I immediately dragged TigerCat to the Loblaws to purchase said cheese. I was perplexed by her lack of mutual excitement.

ThePeach: Let’s go to Loblaws!!!!!
TigerCat: Ok. I could use some groceries.
ThePeach: I’m buying PROBIOTIC CHEESE!!!!!!
TigerCat: Ok.
ThePeach:…!!!!!!!!
TigerCat: Sounds fun. For you.
ThePeach: But…it’s PROBIOTIC CHEESE!!!! CHEESE!!! CHEESE THAT MAKES YOU POOP!!!!
TigerCat: Ya, I don’t need help in that department.
ThePeach: PROBIOT-
TigerCat: I’m not buying any.
ThePeach: PROBI-
TigerCat: You probably don’t need it, either.
ThePeach: PRO-
TigerCat: Did a commercial tell you to buy this?
ThePeach: P-
TigerCat: Just buy your fucking cheese and shut up.

My friends, I did buy the cheese. I have followed the instructions and eaten the appropriate serving size every day for the past week. About 3 days in I started noticing improved intestinal transit. Yessss.

Oh, and I choose to ignore the fact that each single serving of probiotic cheese contains 11g of fat.

Yessss.

ThePeach

1 comment:

Tania said...

Does 'improved intestinal transit' mean that the cheese moves quicker through your system, thus, your body has less time to actually absorb those 11g of fat? I choose to believe so.