Tuesday, January 29, 2008

ThePeach Ruins Women for ThePilot

ThePilot and I had a little chat on msn today. It went as such:

ThePilot: Peach, it’s -41 degrees Celsius here in Fort McMoney.
ThePeach: MOVE BACK.
ThePilot: -50 degrees with the wind chill.
ThePeach: MOVE BACK NOW.
ThePilot: I want to be dead.
ThePeach: PLEASE MOVE BACK.
ThePilot: Sure, just as soon as you find me a job flying planes somewhere warm.
ThePeach:…does it have to be planes?
ThePilot: Yes.
ThePeach: Because we could always run away together to Mexico, and I’m pretty sure they need dudes to drive those boats that people hang-glide off of.
ThePilot: It has to be planes.
ThePeach:…so what else is new?
ThePilot: Wait, why do you want to run away now?
ThePeach: Oh, because I hate my job, and the crippling depression of knowing that I have to come in each day and waste another 8 hours of my life makes me wonder why I bother to get out of bed at all. And the uncertainty of my future makes me recoil in terror at the possibility of living alone for the rest of my life, jobless and friendless, eventually going insane and boiling my own cat so it will never leave me.
ThePilot:…I…don’t…I’m…not good at…helping…
ThePeach:…I’m eating a muffin. A chocolate-chip muffin.
ThePilot: Sweet. Here’s a question: will I ever find love? Or at least a hearty bang?
ThePeach: Of course, but I think the real question here is am I still attractive as I suck the chocolate smearings off the cellophane wrapper of this muffin?
ThePilot: Hmm…ThePeach hoovering a muffin wrapper…Ya, I’m still aroused.
ThePeach: *sucks on wrapper* thank god.
ThePilot: So, you know what I’m really into lately?
ThePeach: Well, I know it’s not Ass. Snap.
ThePilot: I hate you. But well-played. Seriously though, I’m really into “Friends” episodes lately.
ThePeach:…I FUCKING LOVE “FRIENDS”!!!!
ThePilot: AND RACHEL IS SO FUCKING HOT!!!!
ThePeach: YA AND…what?
ThePilot: RACHEL! SO FUCKING HOT!
ThePeach: No, Pilot. No.
ThePilot:…what?
ThePeach: Jennifer Aniston is not hot.
ThePilot: Now you listen to me, Peach. She is my perfect woman. Don’t you take this away from me. Don't you do this to me again.
ThePeach: Her face is funny.
ThePilot: Stop it.
ThePeach: If you shaved her head she would look like a dog. A hairless dog.
ThePilot: STOP IT.
ThePeach: So I guess my point here is that she may have perfect hair and the body of a Greek goddess, and tits that just won’t quit…wait, what was I talking about?
ThePilot: You were failing to prove that Rachel isn’t hot.
ThePeach: It’s her chin. Her chin is mannish.
ThePilot: STOP RUINING WOMEN FOR ME!!!
ThePeach:…you know what? You’re right. Maybe my own low self-esteem has crippled my ability to appreciate beauty in others and I really need to do some soul-searching, here.
ThePilot: Um.
ThePeach: No, it’s definitely the chin. Here's a picture I think you should take a look at.
ThePilot: I hate you.

ThePeach

3 comments:

Tania said...

While I wish I had powers over all that other shit, I can only guarantee you that you will not die alone and friendless - because if you actually do, it will have meant that I probably did as well. I won't let that happen. And when you do die, I will keep you company in hell... we've had this conversation before.

Chocodoc said...

I think that she (J.A) looks like a dog even without her head shaved. I thought I was the only one who didn't think she was prettee!

thepilot said...

Well I'd still do her. Because, you know, it's her PERSONALITY that counts.