Thursday, February 28, 2008

Victory Tastes Like Splenda

I am currently finishing my FREE steeped tea from Timmy Whore-Whore's. It tastes like victory! And also like Splenda. Yes, FauxHawk and his manorexic ways have finally gotten to me and I have switched to Splenda. I'm not convinced that consuming a chemical won't give me cancer, but maybe I won't gain 5 sugar-pounds this rrroll season.

By the way, my victory parade will be this Saturday. I plan to march down the main UniversityTown street, cup in hand, a single tear on my cheek, with FauxHawk following behind me in his Hawk-mobile. Where can I procure a siren for his car? It has been suggested that I march topless, but this has yet to be decided. It's chilly out.

ALSO: did you know that when you win a free beverage, you can redeem ANY SIZE you want??? So, of course I got an extra-large steeped tea. I assume that the larger the drink you buy, the greater the chance of winning. My gambling/caffiene addictions are SO FUCKING HAPPY RIGHT NOW! Seriously, this is more caffiene than I am used to. I already have the shakes. I assume the eye twitch will follow shortly.

And now to rrroll my rrrim...

"Please Play Again"

Well. Fuck you.

ThePeach

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

What the...what?

I...

I'm so...

...what?

...rrroll?

I won. I won a free small cup of coffee. I won. I WON.

MY FIRST WIN EVER!!! EVER!!! And only on the third day! OHHHH baby it's gonna be a good season for ThePeach. I feel my luck a'changing. Let's go to a casino. Let's go buy some lottery tickets. Let's...do other things that involve gambling. Shoot craps? Why not. Let's go shoot some fucking craps!

I AM INVINCIBLE.

ThePeach

Monday, February 25, 2008

And it begins...

Rrroll up the rim started again today. I wasn't expecting it again so soon. Has it really already been a year since the last season of delerium tremors, unbridled anger, cup whipping, incalculable spendings, and eye twitchings?

I had such mixed feelings as I purchased my daily tea and had it handed to me in the red and yellow cup which haunts my nightmares and also my wildest dreams. Here is a re-cap of what went through my mind as the cup was placed in my hand:

1: Can it...can it be? Rrroll?
2. My god, it is. IT IS! IT'S BACK!
3. Mental Cartwheels. Ever so many mental cartwheels.
4. And yet...there is this sense of dread.
5. *gambling addiction kicks in*
6. THIS HAS TO BE MY YEAR!! BUY AS MANY AS MONIES WILL ALLOW!!
7. It's gonna be a long season. This could be bad.
8. WHOA, I COULD WIN A BOAT!?
9. *caresses cup*
10. Oh god, I have a reason to live again.
11. Oh god, my life is so sad.

I tenderly rolled the rim on my cup as soon as I finished my tea:

"Please Play Again"

Oh, I will. I will. *eye twitch*

ThePeach

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Fuck Right Off

I've been feeling a little down on myself, lately. I'm probably going to get a jew-jitsu slap to the face if I ask FauxHawk "Am I fat?" one more time. Heh, I'm witty. But anyway, I have not been feeling my hottest. I'm a little stressed about my grad school applications, and between that and the cat urine and human feces smeared all over my life, I think I am taking it out on my back-fat. And jowls.

But this weekend I started feeling better. I went out with TOP for dinner on Thursday and she treats a woman real good. She made me feel hot. Drinking also helped. And then I had two good hair days in a row. And then I bought some new, sexy bras. And, I have to say, my tits look fucking awesome. And then, yesterday, I ran out of clean clothes and was forced to try on my skinny jeans because it was either those or no pants at all and, while I usually condone the rejection of pants in all their forms, it was a chilly day and I needed some ass coverage. And, MY GOD, the skinny jeans fit again!!! I don't know how or why, but clearly my voodoo magic worked and muffins shrank my thighs.

So, between TOP's lovin', the drinking, the two days of good hair, the good boobage, and the skinny jeans, I rolled into work today feeling uplifted. For me. Which means I was able to look at pictures of celebrities online without throwing a donut at the screen and yelling at the bitches to eat, for the love of god, EAT. I'm talkin' to you, Olsen twins. Fucking freaky-ass goblins.

Enter TheBoss:

TheBoss: Hello, Peach. How was your weekend?
ThePeach: Well, I-
TheBoss: Ya. Mine was great. *spins circles in desk chair* Wee!
ThePeach: Ok.
TheBoss: It's quiet here today. *spins circles in chair* Where are all the other peeps at, yo?
ThePeach: It's reading week. Everyone is home.
TheBoss: *looks through office fridge* Then they won't miss this sandwich!
ThePeach: That's my sandwich.
TheBoss: *mouth full of crumbs* wha?
ThePeach: Nothing.
TheBoss: *eyes ThePeach creepily*
ThePeach: *crosses arms over boobs*
TheBoss: *eyes ThePeach creepily*
ThePeach:...Was there anything else you wanted?
TheBoss: Here's what I'm thinking. Because it's reading week, I will let you leave work 45 minutes early every day this week. BUT ONLY if you spend those 45 minutes at the gym. You have to go straight to the gym from here. Otherwise, you work a full day. *eyes ThePeach creepily*
ThePeach:...what?!
TheBoss: *runs out of room* see ya! Make sure you actually go to the gym!
ThePeach:...WHAT?!

Fuck. Right. Off. What a subtle way to tell me that I'm a fatass. Why didn't he just whip some donuts at me and make me wear a cow-bell around my neck while he was at it? Jesus Christ!

I was so depressed that I went to Tim Hortons and got a double-chocolate donut. I'll be back in my fat pants by this evening.

Self-fulfilling prophesy what-now?

ThePeach

Friday, February 15, 2008

The Shitter Chronicles: UPDATE

The cat, in following with the "my life is shitting all over me" theme, decided to piss on the futon last night. I guess he wanted to join in on the fun. Now every room in my apartment smells like something that came out of an ass. Awesome.

I'm gonna go eat some jam and cry.

ThePeach

Thursday, February 14, 2008

In Honour of Valentine’s Day ThePeach Gives You: The Shitter Chronicles

Happy Fucking Valentine’s Day. I hope you’re all having love-y days full of chocolate and sex and kinky lingerie and the likes. I am not having a love-y day. I am literally having a very shitty day. First though, I’ll explain the metaphorical shit:

1. FauxHawk is doing a rotation out of town. No sexing for me.
2. I’m siiiick and have been for weeeeks. I’m also a little whiney, which makes me a pleasure to be around.
3. I’m behind in my school-work because I keep skipping class because I’m siiiick and also lazy.
4. I walked through a slush-puddle on my way to work and my goddamn cheap boots absorbed the water like a sponge. My feet are currently marinating in boot water. I smell like a hooker’s ass.
5. I just ate some really shitty low-calorie vegetable soup. It looked like vomit but I ate it anyway because I haven’t had a vegetable in a while and scurvy probably won’t help my siiiickness. The soup was lumpy and yellow. I don’t understand why the soup would be yellow, as there is no corn in it. The soup was so bad that I had to wash it down with a muffin.
6. Have I mentioned that I’m siiiick? I’m all congested. My sinuses are sealed tighter than…than…oh god, I can’t even think of a good metaphor. DAMN YOU, SIIICK! YOU’RE RUINING MY LIFE! This congestion makes me a little crazy and disjointed in the head. Yesterday I drank some neocitron at work, but that might have been a poor life-choice as I acted like a drunk for the rest of the day and may or may not have drooled more than once.

Ok, and now the literal shit. I give you THE SHITTER CHRONICLES:

CHAPTER 1

These things only ever happen to me.

The bathroom in my ramshackle apartment has always been a little sketch. There’s no fan installed, so I get a lot of mildew and the occasional patch of mould. It’s always been manageable with a little extra-strength CLR or Vim OxyGel and some good scrubbin’. I would guess that I’ve lost some significant brain functioning thanks to all the time I’ve spent inhaling bathroom cleaning products in an unventilated area, but so far it hasn’t affected me in any- *minor seizure*-noticeable way.

Last year, I noticed that the patch of mould on my ceiling, above my sink, was growing at an alarming rate. I made the mistake of mentioning this to my grandfather, who immediately hobbled into his giant ’86 Chrysler, puttered down the 401 at 70 km/hr with his 4-way blinkers on, and showed up at my doorstep holding an assortment of products he had purchased at the nearest hardware store. He also showed up with two jars of home-made jam, which I put in the freezer along with the 75 jars of jam that have been sitting there since my grandfather decided jam-making would be his latest hobby. Sometimes I try to give the jars of jam away to friends, but it turns out that people under the age of 70 aren’t huge fans of jam. Except for The Hippie, who squeals with jam-related glee every time my grandfather visits.

After examining my ceiling for 30-40 minutes and muttering things like:

“Hmm…yes…you do indeed have a mould problem.”

“I had a mould problem in my bathroom once, in ’78. I fixed it myself. There’s no reason a person can’t fix a mould problem when the local hardware stores carry all the appropriate tools.”

And

“I know just what to do, here.”

My Grandfather opened a can of spray paint, pointed it up, and proceeded to destroy everything in my bathroom. To be fair, he did cover up the mould quite nicely. He just also covered the toilet, the sink, my shower curtain, my towels, his glasses, and the cat in a light layer of white paint.

I then was able to forget about the mould for a year.

THE SHITTER CHRONICLES: CHAPTER 2

The bitch was back. Black mould was crawling across my ceiling at an alarming pace, and flecks of it were flaking onto me anytime I stood under the sink. I can’t wait to see what type of mysterious and strange cancer I will grow when I’m 50 as a result of that. My bets are on ass cancer.

I ignored the mould for a few months. Then the flaking became more persistent, so I told my landlord. He was too busy employing ex-cons to renovate the other rental units to care, so the mould continued to grow, and flake, and grow some more. I made the mistake of mentioning this to my mother, who told my grandfather, who immediately hobbled to his ’86 Chrysler, puttered down the 401 at 70 km/hr with his 4-way blinkers on, and showed up at my doorstep holding an assortment of products he had purchased at the nearest hardware store. He also showed up with 2 jars of jam, which I put in the freezer.

My grandfather clucked and tsk’d at my ceiling for about 30 minutes, and then whipped out his can of trusty spray paint. I prepared to run for cover with the cat tucked under my arm, but my grandfather hesitated, put down the can, and asked for a broom.

Bobba: Peach, I think we’ll need to brush away some of those flecks before we spray again.
ThePeach: Ok. Thanks for bringing more jam, by the way.
Bobba: Well! I know how much my girl loves jam! Now, bring me a broom!

Ok. I brought him a broom. My grandfather started feebly swiping the mouldy ceiling and flecks of mould and drek flurried to the floor. I tried not to inhale anything, lest I accelerate the growth of my future ass-cancer. And then, this happened:

Bobba: Hmmm *scratches fleck-covered head*…this one fleck up here doesn’t seem to want to come down. I’ll just give it a little poke with the handle of the broom.
ThePeach: Um, I don’t know if that’s a great ide-
Bobba: *rams broom handle into ceiling with surprising elderly strength and agility*
ThePeach: -a.

Well, of course the handle ripped right through the mouldy ceiling and a turd of black mould oozed through the giant hole, hitting the bathroom floor with a sickening splat. My bathroom ceiling had just taken a dump onto my floor. It pinched a loaf. Onto my floor.

My grandfather was so upset that I let him change a light-bulb in my bedroom just so he would feel useful again. Then he drove back home to bottle some more jam for his next visit.

The gaping hole in my bathroom ceiling continued to shit mould/sludge/death all over my bathroom. The next morning I told my landlord, and he promised to get “a guy” in to look at the problem “real soon”.

THE SHITTER CHRONICLES: CHAPTER 3

6 weeks had passed. My landlord had still done nothing. The giant anus in my ceiling was continuing to shit mould all over my bathroom. FauxHawk had bravely duct-taped some plastic over the hole, but the humidity in my fan-less bathroom peeled the tape back in about 36 hours. I was getting desperate.

I once again pleaded and begged with my landlord to do something. He said he’d have “a guy” in “real soon” to take a look at it. I moaned with frustration into my pillow that night, and every night for the next 2 weeks. And then, one fateful morning, there was a knock on my door at 7am.
I ignored it. The knocking got more persistent. Milo jumped off the bed and started pacing beside the door, grunting quietly with his ears slicked back. I made my way to the door and opened it. Milo bolted into the hallway and sprinted up all four flights of stairs, where he would wait for me to trundle my way to the top before he would sprint back down the stairs and into the apartment, where he would knock over a lamp in his excitement at the brief taste of freedom. Little bastard.

But back to the door. On the other side were my landlord and a smelly guy in overalls.

Landlord: We’re going to fix your ceiling now.
ThePeach:…REALLY??!!!
Landlord: Yep, get out.
ThePeach: Oh…well…it’s 7am…and I need to shower and stuff, for work…and stuff.
Landlord: Oh. I’ll be back in an hour. Then get out.

I did get out. And when I came back home, 8 hours later, I had no bathroom ceiling.

THE SHITTER CHRONICLES: CHAPTER 4

It would appear that my landlord and the “the guy” had ripped out my entire bathroom ceiling, but then given up and not actually fixed anything. So, now instead of a mouldy anus dumping rotted drywall onto my floor, I had a mass of rotted pipes puking buckets of smelly water onto my bathroom floor. I missed the anus.

Also, now that I no longer had a ceiling, my bathroom channeled the icy winds of hell into my apartment. It was a bleak time.

Several times each day a gush of smelly water would fall from one of the pipes and drench my bathroom. Going in there became a game of Russian roulette. Did I dare to use the crapper? Would it be worth the gamble of possibly being drenched in pipe-water? I somehow managed never to be caught in a down-pour, which is proof enough that there is a God. I didn’t trust Milo’s timing, so I moved his litterbox into the hallway and my entire apartment quickly filled with the smell of kitten-ass. I was living in a barn.

I then noticed something disturbing. The gush of water onto my floor corresponded directly with the flush of the toilet in the apartment above me. OH HOLY JESUS. My bathroom had been leaking DIRTY TOILET WATER onto me for the past year. This was the point when I lost my shit. Pun intended.

I harassed my landlord daily, to no result. I took pictures of the bathroom, documented everything, and emailed it to the city bylaw office. I took 2-minute showers and cried. I brushed my teeth over the kitchen sink and cried. I called my grandpa and cried. I ate the jam he sent me and cried.

And then, one day I came home from work and had a ceiling again! Could it be true??! Were the toilet-toxins giving me hallucinations??

I HAD A CEILING. THE LANDLORD FIXED IT. PRAISE BE TO JEBUS.

THE SHITTER CHRONICLES: CHAPTER 5

A happy time. A time of dancing and singing. A time of 20 minute showers. A time of rolling around in giddiness on my (disinfected) bathroom floor. A time of re-training the cat where to shit. A time of happily cleaning cat-shit off my hallway floor.

A time that was all too short.

THE SHITTER CHRONICLES: CHAPTER 6

Last Sunday I woke up in the middle of the night to pee. As I was sitting in the dark, I heard a drip. I heard it again. I looked down. Nope, not my pee. I looked outside my bathroom window. Maybe some icicles were melting. I went back to bed and slept in an innocent, naïve state of peace.

I woke up with my alarm. I peed again. I heard a drip. I heard it again. I assumed that it was the icicles. I washed my hands. Something hit my head. Something hit it again.

NOOOOO MOTHERFUCK SHIT BALLS MUFFINS TREADMILL ALLAH WHY???!!!!!!!!

The drip was coming from my bathroom ceiling. I jumped in the shower and scrubbed my head like I had just come in contact with cholera. Which, you know, I probably had. I dressed myself and stormed into my landlord’s office. I informed him that the ceiling was leaking again. He informed me that he would get “a guy” to come look at it “real soon”. This has yet to happen.

When I got home from work that day, my bathroom was destroyed. The drip had quickly turned into a constant stream, and the water had quickly turned into sewage. I’m not kidding: my walls were brown. My sink was brown. My new hand-towels were brown. Oh. Holy. Jesus. I moved the cat’s litter into the hallway. My house quickly filled with the smell of kitten ass. I tried to rescue my toothbrush from the medicine cabinet above the sink this morning. A drip landed in my FUCKING EYE. I now have hepatitis.

I have resumed my old habits of brushing my teeth in the kitchen sink and sobbing into my pillow. I’m still waiting for “a guy” to show up.

On the bright side, my apartment insurance is going to pay for me to stay in a hotel.

On the dark side, my life is covered in shit.

I'm going to steal a trademark of AsianCymbals and end this post with a shit-inspired haiku:

On this day of love
Feces dripped into my eye.
That seems about right.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Bitches.

ThePeach

Monday, February 04, 2008

ThePeach Attempts to Sound Intelligent; Insults Indians and Mother

So, I’m graduating for the second time at the end of this term. I saved all of my hard courses for last, which means that I’m taking a bunch of fourth year English Lit seminars right now. Maybe this sounds hellish to you. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I want to drop out of school with just 3 credits left to graduate. Maybe I want a lot of things. Like a puppy. Or to look hot in skinny jeans. But sometimes god gives you child-rearing hips, my friends. And you just can’t change that.

A large component of my grade in each course is comprised of class-participation. This means I have to say intelligent things from time to time in order to boost my mark. Can you guess how well that goes for me?

A shining example of my eloquence occurred last Thursday in my Native Canadian Literature class. We were discussing a novel called “Half-breed”, which is a biography of a Metis woman who overcomes hardships blah blah stereotypical hooker whine drugs blah. I think my first problem is that I signed up for a course where the possibility to insult a culture is readily available, and as a white woman I already represent the oppressor, but I digress. Our professor asked us what significance the picture on the cover of the novel held, and I thought I would offer my opinion.

Here is how it went in my mind:

Prof: What is the significance of the picture on the cover of “Half-breed”?
ThePeach: I believe the cover is intended to bring our own stereotypes into awareness and force us to deconstruct them. The woman on the cover of the novel is the author of the book, and her image gives a face to struggling Metis women. Her face humanizes our perception of the stereotypical “prostitute” and “drug-addict”, forcing us to confront our own biases. The woman on the cover could be anyone – she looks “normal”. She could be a Caucasian, middle-class house-wife for all we know. She could be anyone’s mother. Her face is the face of all Canadians but also the face of one Canadian who has lived a stereotypical “Native” existence. It is disarming and beautiful all at once.
Class: *applauds and cheers*
Prof: *wipes tear from eye*
ThePeach: *guns fist into air* YEAH!!

Here is how it actually went:

Prof: What is the significance of the picture on the cover of “Half-breed”?
ThePeach: I believe the cover is intended to bring our stereotypes into awareness and force us to deconstruct them. This chick doesn’t look Native. This chick doesn’t look like a hooker. This chick looks like my Mom.
Class: *awkward silence*
Prof: *awkward silence*
ThePeach: *guns fist into air* YEAH!!

I think I just earned myself an “A”.

ThePeach