Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Fuck Right Off

I've been feeling a little down on myself, lately. I'm probably going to get a jew-jitsu slap to the face if I ask FauxHawk "Am I fat?" one more time. Heh, I'm witty. But anyway, I have not been feeling my hottest. I'm a little stressed about my grad school applications, and between that and the cat urine and human feces smeared all over my life, I think I am taking it out on my back-fat. And jowls.

But this weekend I started feeling better. I went out with TOP for dinner on Thursday and she treats a woman real good. She made me feel hot. Drinking also helped. And then I had two good hair days in a row. And then I bought some new, sexy bras. And, I have to say, my tits look fucking awesome. And then, yesterday, I ran out of clean clothes and was forced to try on my skinny jeans because it was either those or no pants at all and, while I usually condone the rejection of pants in all their forms, it was a chilly day and I needed some ass coverage. And, MY GOD, the skinny jeans fit again!!! I don't know how or why, but clearly my voodoo magic worked and muffins shrank my thighs.

So, between TOP's lovin', the drinking, the two days of good hair, the good boobage, and the skinny jeans, I rolled into work today feeling uplifted. For me. Which means I was able to look at pictures of celebrities online without throwing a donut at the screen and yelling at the bitches to eat, for the love of god, EAT. I'm talkin' to you, Olsen twins. Fucking freaky-ass goblins.

Enter TheBoss:

TheBoss: Hello, Peach. How was your weekend?
ThePeach: Well, I-
TheBoss: Ya. Mine was great. *spins circles in desk chair* Wee!
ThePeach: Ok.
TheBoss: It's quiet here today. *spins circles in chair* Where are all the other peeps at, yo?
ThePeach: It's reading week. Everyone is home.
TheBoss: *looks through office fridge* Then they won't miss this sandwich!
ThePeach: That's my sandwich.
TheBoss: *mouth full of crumbs* wha?
ThePeach: Nothing.
TheBoss: *eyes ThePeach creepily*
ThePeach: *crosses arms over boobs*
TheBoss: *eyes ThePeach creepily*
ThePeach:...Was there anything else you wanted?
TheBoss: Here's what I'm thinking. Because it's reading week, I will let you leave work 45 minutes early every day this week. BUT ONLY if you spend those 45 minutes at the gym. You have to go straight to the gym from here. Otherwise, you work a full day. *eyes ThePeach creepily*
TheBoss: *runs out of room* see ya! Make sure you actually go to the gym!

Fuck. Right. Off. What a subtle way to tell me that I'm a fatass. Why didn't he just whip some donuts at me and make me wear a cow-bell around my neck while he was at it? Jesus Christ!

I was so depressed that I went to Tim Hortons and got a double-chocolate donut. I'll be back in my fat pants by this evening.

Self-fulfilling prophesy what-now?



Tania said...

What a fucker! Did he SERIOUSLY say that to you?!?! That's harrassment... what kind of idiot thinks it's okay to imply that a woman is fat?

Perhaps I'm a little sensitive on this subject... :(

Cleavage said...

I think, when you leave, as a parting practical 'joke' you should fill every crevice in his office with lard.
It's just a thought (I'll totally fly over to help you...maybe it's harder to arrest me now that I'm not a resident or something?)