Tuesday, March 04, 2008

ThePeach Puts Her Foot Down; Keeps Shirt On

Every time I post something about TheBoss I get all kinds of messages from people asking me if he is for real, if he exists, if I am making this up, etc. I know that TheBoss sounds much like a cartoon character that I made up for your enjoyment, but I regret to say that this is not the case. The man exists. Everything I tell you about him is true and unexaggerated. Maybe it will help you wrap your head around TheBoss if you think about the character of the boss played by Steve Carell on the tv show "The Office."
Carell's character, Michael Scott, succeeds in making everyone in his office, and indeed all viewers of the show, very uncomfortable. I think he can best be summed up by a quote from the show in which Jan tells Michael why she won't date him:

Jan: (On why she does not like Michael) Michael, it has nothing to do with your looks. It's your personality. You're obnoxious, and rude...and, and, and...stupid, and you do have coffee breath, by the way, and I don't agree about the BO, but...

He thinks he is young and hip, and tries to connect with his employees by making dirty and racist jokes, getting his employees drunk at office parties, sharing his own personal sex life, and using hip lingo. And yet, at the same time, Michael Scott loves his own authority and and the power he thinks it renders him. This combination of "dude, I totally banged that chick last night," and "Everyone is working late tonight because I'm really behind on my reports" creates such an uncomfortable dissonance in his employees that I actually have a hard time watching the show. It physically pains me. BECAUSE IT IS MY LIFE.

You see, if TheBoss is Michael Scott, then I am Pam from "The Office". Pam, or "Pam! Pam! Thank you, ma'am!", as Michael likes to call her. Pam does all of Michael's dirty work. She is the brunt of his jokes. He makes fun of her for dressing like an old lady, but when she wears anything fitting or short he immediately hits on her. Sound familiar? Throw some muffins into the mix and we have my work place.

FYI, I only started watching "The Office" last month, so there is no way I could have unconsciously created the character of TheBoss based on my own hate of Michael Scott. No, TheBoss is pure TheBoss. He exists. Apparently for your entertainment and my demise.

On that note, here is how my morning meeting with TheBoss went today:

TheBoss: *trips into office* Hey, Peachy-Peach!


TheBoss: So, I need you to do something for me.

ThePeach: Uh-huh.

TheBoss: You know that public forum I'm giving next month on how patients can control their own pain?

ThePeach: Yes, the forum was my idea.

TheBoss: You know how I'm having that specialist in to demonstrate how to give injections?

ThePeach: ...Uh-huh.

TheBoss: Well, we need a model and of course I thought of you. It would just be one injection. Into the spine.

ThePeach: Absolutely not.

TheBoss: It's perfectly safe.

ThePeach: Absolutely not.

TheBoss: You'd probably have to take off your shirt...you know, so the specialist could see what he was doing.

ThePeach: Absolutely not.

TheBoss: So...that's a no?

ThePeach: I refuse. Absolutely refuse.

TheBoss: Maybe we could just let you wear one of those sports bras, instead. You know, like one of those sporty bras...

ThePeach: Absolutely not. I am putting-

TheBoss: But-

ThePeach: my-

TheBoss: Or-

ThePeach: FOOT

TheBoss: If-

ThePeach: DOWN!

TheBoss: So...you won't do it?

ThePeach: Was there anything else you wanted today?

TheBoss: Ya. Will you peel my orange for me?


TheBoss: I'll give you halfsies.

ThePeach: Still no.

TheBoss: *pouts* But I hate peeling oranges.

ThePeach: I don't want half your orange. I have my own applesauce in the fridge.

TheBoss:...that was your applesauce?

ThePeach:...I hate you.

So, that was my morning. Not made up. Not exaggerated. This is what I get paid to do. I think my job is every little girl's dream: shots to the spine, the removal of clothing in public, and having food stolen on a daily basis.

Pam! Pam! Thank you, Ma'am!



Tania said...

Oh god... I was one of those people who kind of thought he a figment of your caffeine-induced insanity. GET OUT of there, NOW!

Anonymous said...

Your blog gets me through work.

I'm the office bitch...I have co workers asking me to "plate their food"...I feel yo' pain sistah.


Billy said...

I can relate to this... only on a more uniform, "there is no comedy here" kinda way.

I few years ago, I watched Office Space for the first time since I had entered the working world, and since I was still at my first job, which I detested enormously, it actually depressed me. I ended up drinking heavily, and dragging my hungover ass into work only because I had already used up all 3 (yes, THREE!) sick days I had for the year.... my reward for such loyalty in the face of self-loathing? A big fat bowl of "Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment." (well, tailored for where I worked, but you get the idea).

If you leave, you will feel like the weight of the universe has been lifted off your now-rounded-with-self-pity shoulders. Trust me on this one.

PS: When I read "TheBoss: Ya. Will you peel my orange for me?" the first time, I believe due to the italics, and somewhat because I never feel like I have a good grasp of where any convo with TheBoss is going, I honestly thought is said "Will you pee!". For some reason I think you need to know these things.

PPS: I am not a crackpot.

The Peach said...

Tania: How dare ye suggest I have caffeine-induded insanity! I have caffeine-induced jitters, twitches, heart murmurs, paranoia, bug-eyes, and tendencies to ramble...but the sanity is intact.

Mo: Office bitches unite! Unite, and cry.

Billy:...How did you know about my shoulder-stoop? I imagine I'll have a full-grown hump by age 35. Maybe I'll let you stroke it. Hot.

Billy said...

Call it a "hunch".... get it?!?

/stabs self in eye.