Thursday, April 17, 2008

ThePeach Gets Owned By MasterCard Employee; Sad Life Flashes Before Eyes

Ok. Those of you who know me quite well know (and those of you who don't have probabaly assumed) that I am poor at managing my own money. I get really overwhelmed with bills, so I tend not to open them and I leave the envelopes in a pile on the floor for Milo to bite at or poop on. I get really stressed when I know my bank balance or credit card balance, so I never check them and just assume that I'm not bankrupt yet. I still pay my bills and make payments, mind you, but that's only because I set up my online banking to automatically pay them each month or because I randomly guess what my minimum payment on my credit card might be.

The fact that I don't ever open or respond to any mail that I receive from my bank, credit card company, or service providers means that I keep accidentally signing up for services that I don't want. For instance, apparently I pay for two life insurance policies, accident insurance, female cancer insurance (??), and I also apparently pay money to receive a detailed credit report from my bank each month - which of course I do not open. Banks are tricksy. Apparently they prey on people such as me who have a phobia of mail by signing people up for policies and giving you 30-60 days to cancel. I suppose this is where opening one's mail becomes vital. Oh well. At least I'll be well covered when I contract female cancers.

I would hanker a guess that I get my poor money-management skills from my mother, who went bankrupt twice before the age of 40. I guess divorces are 'spensive.

So, my neurotic bill-fear recently became a major issue when I accidentally maxed out my credit card. This may not seem like a huge deal, but my credit limit was $6000. Um, Oops. So, I did the mature thing and panicked, sobbed, and went about planning my own fake-death to gather life insurance from my two policies and start anew in Mexico.

When that plan was vetoed by FauxHawk, I sucked it up and started making payments. For the past four months I have dutifully put as much money as I possibly could onto my mastercard. I tried not to spend as much money on other things, like drinking and buying pants, and focused all of my energies onto paying off my bill. Last week, when I received my hefty tax return, I put ALL of it onto my mastercard. I'm such a good little banker.

So, when all is said and done, I assumed I had finally paid off my mastercard. Of course, I couldn't be sure because I still wasn't checking the balance, but deep in my heart I knew that I had finally done it. The pride I felt, my friends, was immeasurable. I gloated to my family that I had gotten myself out of debt, and they pretended to care. I started looking up vacations that I could spend my seemingly limitless credit on, because monetary responsibility deserves luxurious rewards. Right?

And then I decided to check my balance for real.

$3000 still in the hole.

Well. Clearly there was a problem, here. I had dutifully put all my monies onto the card, so obviously this was a mistake. Oh god, perhaps my card had been stolen? Or maybe I was the victim of a scam that I formulated in my head whereby my online payments all went to some con's bank account? Yes, that must be it. I called mastercard to report this problem to them, and here is how the conversation went:

MC: Hello, thank you for calling mastercard! How may I help you?

ThePeach: Something is wrong with my card.

MC: I'm very sorry to hear that, Ms. Peach. What seems to be the problem?

ThePeach: I'm quite sure that my card is involved in some kind of scam whereby my payments go to some con's bank account.

MC:...I see.

ThePeach: I would like to fix this problem, ma'am.

MC: Well, Ms. Peach, I'm looking at your account now and we have received all your recent payments.

ThePeach:...but, that's impossible! How can my balance still be so high? It's a scam, I tell you! A SCAM!

MC: Ms. Peach, maybe your balance seems high because of your recent spendings?

ThePeach: No, impossible. I have no recent spendings. Now I'm sure my mastercard has been stolen! I would like to report my mastercard as stolen, ma'am. STOLEN!

MC: Ok...but first let's run through the expenses and make sure they're not yours. Ok, Ms. Peach?

ThePeach: Let me guess? LCD tv's? Cars? Gold? ...other things that people spend stolen money on?

MC: Well, first I see a $500 purchase from Jamaican Vacations back in January?

ThePeach: Oh...ya...that was me.

MC: $400 to the OUAC for grad school applications?

MC: $100 at Universitytown Pub? date, please?

MC: I see $100 three different times in February, $80 March 3rd, $80 again on March 11th...

ThePeach: Ok, stop. All me.

MC: There are ATM withdrawals on various dates in a place called "Bubba's Poutine"?


MC: $100 in an underwear outlet store?

ThePeach: Please stop.

MC: $50 from an online shoe store?

ThePeach: For the love of god, stop.

MC: I see various bills at a restaurant called "Asia-riffic Foods"?

ThePeach:...I like their noodles *whimper*

MC: $50 on prescription cat food and another $50 on cat medicines? Oh and $75 at the futon cover store?

ThePeach: I beg you to stop.

MC: Oh, and I see more bills from the UniversityTown pub throughout March and April?

ThePeach:...are you finished?

MC: $100 at the pants store.

ThePeach: DAMMIT!

Oh my god. Talk about your pathetic life flashing before your eyes. Cat medicine, noodles, and outlet-store underwear?! This is where my money goes?? I just got owned.

Although I'm still about 65% sure that I'm part of some elbaorate scam. And I'll prove it...from Mexico.



Tania said...

My coworkers think I'm crazy from all the sobbing/crying/laughing I did while reading this post - well done!

thehippie said...

those are some sweat pleated pants youre sporting - i can see how they were $100 at the pants store.

Cleavage said...

What you do, see, is leave the continent, and sever all ties with your family. Severing ties is important, otherwise when you call home for a friendly chat, they ask you why they are now deflecting the phone calls from the bank, and could you please make a payment so that your aunt who co-signed the loan will still have us over at Thanksgiving this year? That's awkward.

The Nurse said...

AHHH peach! I feel so stressed after reading that. sounds a bit like those shopoholic books. she does end up married to a gorgeous rich man and has babies so I guess all will be right?

s_kassum said...

I was having a craptastic day but desperately needed a good laugh, so I wandered onto your blog for the first time in months, and was not let down!! I don't know what urged me.. but I called my sister about it, and despite knowing she works in front of a computer all day, I insisted on reading it ALOUD to her over the phone while she repeatedly tried to convince me of her ability to read. The only problem was, every other sentence the tone and volume of my voice would drag upwards as I tried to stifle all my laughter, which didn't work and I was laughing and crying so hard all over again, that there was no sound and given I was unable to stop and speak, she hung up on me. Thank you. :)