Tuesday, May 06, 2008

ThePeach Waxes Poetic

I’m feeling sentimental today. I’ve been feeling sentimental for a few days, actually. It’s an alarming change from my baseline emotion of bitter hag, but I’m feeling out the territory and so far it’s not entirely unpleasant to feel…how does one say…happy? Perhaps the cold tar in my heart has oozed into the shape of a happy face, or maybe the acid on my tongue burned away the evil parts of my cortex.

Or maybe I had jungle-sex this weekend and it brought the love (blood) back to my heart (lady parts), if only temporarily.

Regardless of the reason (sex), I’m going to capitalize on this feeling (love via sex) to share some uncharacteristic (loving) thoughts with you, my gentle reader (recipients of love).

ThePeach’s Not Entirely Bitter Thoughts:

1. Fauxhawk = Love
Let us begin with Fauxhawk, the giver of sex. I know I make fun of him for being in touch with his feminine side, but this weekend he got in touch with my feminine side and I’m suddenly feeling quite loving towards my sexy, hair-hawked, loofa-scrubbed man. After 4 years he can still rock my world, he DVRs all my favourite shows for me, and tonight he’s letting me drag him out to what promises to be a horrific family dinner with my Mother and some long-lost family of cousins with whom she decided to re-connect and fake family intimacy. I’m expecting two hours of:

Mom: Peach, these are your 3rd cousins. Let them sit in your lap.
ThePeach: I’ve never heard of these people before.
Mom: That’s it, little cousin, climb into Peach’s lap! Let’s get all friendly and intimate like the family we are! *forcibly dumps 8 year old girl onto my lap*
Girl: *screams* STRANGER!
ThePeach: Mom! She doesn’t want to sit on my lap!
Girl: *screams* STRANGER!!!
Mom: Oh, wait…sorry, that wasn’t your cousin. I’m confused because I’ve never seen them before. *removes screaming girl from my lap* You can go back to your Mommy now, little girl! *lifts new 8 year old into my lap* Now, THIS is your cousin. Say hello!!!
ThePeach:…Hi.
Girl: *screams* STRANGER!!!
Mom: God, don’t you just love having such an intimate family? How lovely!!!
Girl: *pees pants*

And yet he’s still coming. Probably for the free dinner, but still. That’s love.

2. My Friends = The Sunshine of my Life

In 2 weeks I am going to my friends’ annual May 2-4 cottage weekend of debauch, bacon, and love. I cannot wait to be reunited with my dearest bitches:

- Cleavage: Flying all the way in from Englaaand just so I can motorboat her British Cans. She might be coming for more reasons than just the boatin’, but none are as important.
- WeeOne: Ah, my precious WeeOne! Flying all the way from Vancouver! I plan to roll in the dewy grass with her at 4am after a good night of the pots. The grass = nature = we are animals = she gets it.
- TheHippie: We have been separated by distance, but our love keeps us together. Let us reunite into Peachie (Hippie + Peach) and converge our souls once more.
- TheHubby: I propose a commitment ceremony. I’ll work on training Milo to carry rings on his back, and you get started on those meat and cheese pies for the reception!
- QueenB: This year, I’m going to make you touch my boob for real. TOUCH IT.
- TheCorporate: Darling, I look forward to bacon, bitching, and over-sharing. I have stories. I want yours.
- Workahol: Welcome back to Canada! Let us celebrate with cheeses, gin, and…gin.

I’m going to come back from that weekend like I always do: 10 pounds heavier, 20% less liver functioning, 15% less brain cells, and 100% in love.

3. There Has to Be Something…

Nope, I guess the power of sex can only do so much.

No, wait!

4. TV = Yes.
I forgot my lover, TV. TV has been especially wonderful lately now that the writer’s strike is over. I love how all my favourite shows have been mashed up into one fabulous night, so that my Thursdays go as such:
9pm: The Office. (DVR Grey’s Anatomy)
10pm: Lost (DVR ER)
11pm: Watch DVR’d Grey’s Anatomy.
12pm: Watch DVR’d ER.
1am: breathlessly discuss all shows with TigerCat. Ponder the mysteries of Lost. Propose theories. Question motives.
1:30am: sleep. Dream of Sawyer/Jim/Luca/a non-gay George.

Also, Grey’s Anatomy, which has unfortunately been anti-climactic this season, did deliver this precious line last week:

Callie: (to Meredith and Christina) Do people ever think you two are a couple?
Meredith: No, because we fuck guys like whores on tequila.

Perhaps the writers are reading my blog?

Ok, I think I’ve exhausted my happies for one day. I think dinner with my Mom tonight will extinguish the rest of them. Tomorrow I’ll be back to my old self.

*tar in heart re-forms a middle finger*

ThePeach

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