Monday, May 12, 2008

ThePeach's Productive Sunday

FauxHawk was working at the hospital all day/night Sunday, so I was left to my own devices. I decided I should be productive for once in my life, so I carefully planned out my day around the following tasks:

1. Do laundry (sit on washing machine so hobos and hookers won’t steal clothes)
2. Go to gym (run at least 5km on motherfucking treadmill so freshly washed pants will fit better)
3. Go to Shopper’s Drugmart (buy painkillers to counteract crippling pain of treadmill binge. Also, buy candy.)
4. Go to Pet Store (buy Milo new cat-brush to attempt to tame the mange that is his fur).

Before I set out on these tasks, I thought I would sit in front of the tv for 20 minutes while I ate lunch. This was my undoing.

I had no idea Sunday tv was so FUCKING BEAUTIFUL! The movies! My god – the movies! Long story short, I ended up watching 6 movies in a row. You read that right. 6 movies. In a row. So, my productive day ended up looking like this:

1. Watch Corrina, Corrina on Peachtree tv (cry when Whoopi forgives Manny. Ponder at enormity of Whoopi's head. Cry when Molly sings to Grandmother.) 2. Watch Terms of Endearment on The Women’s Network (cry from when Shirley MacLaine says “I’ve been so foolish! All this time I thought it would be a relief when her suffering ended, but it’s not! It’s not at all! Oh, it’s the most horrible thing in the world, isn’t it?” to when movie actually ends 20 minutes later. And then for another 15 minutes afterwards.) 3. Watch Pay it Forward on Peachtree tv (cry when Haley Joel Osment is stabbed by child with mullet. The humanity!) 4. Watch Serendipity on Peachtree tv (cry when John Cusack learns to believe in fate and soulmates. Wonder if FauxHawk is soulmate? Decide Milo is probably soulmate. Pet Milo lovingly. Milo bites hand. Cry.) 5. Watch Selena on Peachtree tv (cry when Jennifer Lopez is stabbed. Also cry because she accomplished her dreams. Wonder if I will ever accomplish dreams. Current dream = Queen of the Cheeses) 6. Realize I have just watched 10 hours of tv. Raging headache. Decide I should accomplish at least one thing from my list.
7. Walk to Shopper’s Drugmart to buy painkillers for crippling movie pain and candy for the hungers.
8. Shopper’s Drugmart has been closed for 2 hours. Walk home sans advil or candy. Hang head in sadness and headache.
9. Headache becomes unbearable. Curse tv movies. Tear house apart for any sign of painkillers. Look through all old purses. Look in all pockets. Finally find an advil under a dirty sock in my laundry hamper. Consume with relish.
10. Feel better. Turn on tv. Watch Selena. Again. Cry at her spirit and beauty.

So, that was my day. I can’t be sure, but I *might* have PMS.

Also, I realized at about 1am that every single movie I watched except Serendipity ended in death. One by stabbing, one by shooting, one by tumour, and one by old age. I didn’t sleep very well after that. I could feel death’s icy finger jabbing me, and I’m pretty sure the ghost of Selena salsa’d through my bedroom two or three times. When I did finally fall asleep at 3:30am, I dreamt that my new apartment in CapitalCity had a toilet in the middle of the kitchen floor, and that the walls had all been knocked down so that I shared my space with a commune of meth-addicts who lived next door. I woke up at 8am with the cat sleeping on my throat, his mangey un-brushed fur in my mouth and nose.

That’s a pretty random way to finish up this post.



Tania said...

The toilets are all appropriately located in bathrooms... and no meth addicts in this neck of the woods.

asian cymbals said...

You watched Selena twice? Yikes, woman. I've never watched Selena even once.

When I need a movie about the indomitable triumph of the human spirit, I watch Centre Stage. They're dancin'! And it feels all right.